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    Tip Of The Day: How To Apply For A Federal Bailout

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    Me: “Alright sir, you’re all set. Anything else I can do for you today?”

    Bank customer: *jokingly* “Yeah, you can deposit a million dollars into my account.”

    Me: “Sir, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that, I’d have a million dollars.”

    Bank customer: *hangs up laughing*

    Taking The Supersizing Thing Too Far

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (A customer is withdrawing several hundred dollars in cash.)

    Me: “So, how would you like the cash today?”

    Customer: “Um, I’ll take it all in the largest bills you have.”

    Me: “So hundreds, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, a few hundreds, and then some 500 and 1000 dollar bills as well.”

    Me: “Oh, the largest denomination we have is hundreds…”

    Customer: “You see, this is exactly the type of thing that makes me not want to bank with you guys!”

    God Ma’amit

    | Boulder, CO, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Don’t call me ma’am, that’s rude! that’s like me calling you stupid!”

    Me: “I apologize… I was just trying to be courteous.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the manager.”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “You’re stupid, and he’s stupid, and everybody that works here is stupid! I’m leaving!”

    Me: “Have a great day, ma’am!”

    Bad News On Laundry Day

    | Magnolia, TX, USA |

    (A creepy, smelly old man with dirty clothes and a scraggly beard walks into the bank.)

    Me: “Hi! Welcome to **** Bank, how are you today?”

    Customer: *stares, saying nothing*

    Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “I need to take $150 in quarters from my checking account.”

    Me: “Ok, I can do that for you, no problem.” *taking out a withdrawal slip* “If you can just fill this out for me, I–”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.” *pushes slip across the counter*

    Me: “…pardon?”

    Customer: “I said, I can’t do that. Do it for me.”

    Me: “Sir, unfortunately I cannot do that, for security purposes.”

    Customer: “Why can’t you?”

    Me: “It’s to protect your identity.”

    Customer: “My what? Just fill out the damn slip for me!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry, but you have to fill out the withdrawal slip. At the very least, I need you to put your name down.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.”

    Me: “If you pardon my asking sir, why not?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to.”

    Me: “I’m…sorry sir, but–”

    Customer: “What kind of bank makes people do things?!” *storms out*

    Financial Loaves And Fishes

    | Cambridge, MA, USA |

    Customer: “There seems to be a problem with my ATM card. I can’t get any money out.”

    Me: “Hold on, let me check your account…you only have $3.35 in your bank account.”

    Customer: “Ok, so how do we fix that?”


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