Credit X-Rating

| North Carolina, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello and thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a loan. What do I need to do?”

(I take her information over the phone and tell her I would give her a call back after I review it with any questions that I had. The customer calls back 10 minutes later.)

Me: “I’m sorry Ms. ***. I have not been able to completely finish, but so far it looks like we would not be able to proceed with the loan.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “From what it looks like, there are quite a few collections from [adult subscriptions] and [porn site subscriptions] that are dropping your score.”

Customer: “That cannot be! I would know if I had wanted things like that!”

Me: “From your application, I notice that you also have a teenage son that lives with you.”

Customer: “D***! I knew that it was too good of him to get the mail for me!” *click*

How About Ten To The Durrrrr

| Fort Worth, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, welcome to *** Bank. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I want to withdraw ten hundred dollars.”

Me: “Ten hundred? Is that one thousand?”

Customer: “Don’t say that so loud! I don’t want people to think I’m getting one thousand. That’s why I said ten hundred!”

Stupidity You Can Bank On

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, this is [Bank] how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I deposited money through your ATM machine yesterday and it still isn’t showing up in my account.”

Me: “Okay, sir, can I just get the card number from the ATM card that you used to make the deposit.”

Customer: “I didn’t use a card.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I might have misunderstood. Did you make your deposit into the ATM or the night drop box?”

Customer: “No, I put it into your machine but I didn’t use a card. I didn’t need one.”

Me: “Sir, I still don’t understand how you could have made your deposit into the ATM without using a card. Could you please describe the steps you went through?”

Customer: “I drove up to the machine, filled out an envelope and stuffed it into the little door that said deposit but I didn’t use no card.”

Me: “Sir, the deposit door on the machine will not open without a card. How exactly did you put the envelope in?”

Customer: “Whoever designed those machines is a freaking moron. I couldn’t figure out how to open the little door so I got my pocket knife out and pried the door open. Then I stuffed the envelope with my deposit in there as best I could and drove away!”

Menage A Fraud

| North Carolina, USA | Uncategorized

(I am filling out a fraudulent charge claim for a customer.)

Customer: “There’s a charge on my statement for some medical thing and I never bought it.”

(Note: the ‘medical thing’ is for ‘male enhancement’.)

Me: “Okay, we can go ahead and file a fraud claim for you. So, just to verify, you never purchased anything from this company, correct?”

Customer: “I never got anything from them!”

Me: “Okay, so you purchased it, but you didn’t receive it?”

Customer: “Well, it didn’t work! Not that I need it.”

Me: “Okay, so you did receive it?”

Customer: “No! I didn’t order it! I don’t need it! And it didn’t work!”

Me: “Sir, you have to pick one. You didn’t order it, you didn’t receive it, or it didn’t work. But it has to be one; it can’t be all three.”

Customer: “All of them!”

In That Case, I’d Like To Buy A Vowel

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer is doing a large cash withdrawal at our credit union.)

Me: “Would you like large bills today?”

Customer: “Yes. Can I get one thousand dollar bills?”

Me: “The largest bill the fed currently makes is a one hundred dollar bill.”

Customer: “Well, they have them on game shows on TV!”

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