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    It Only Works If You’re The Fed

    | Portland, ME, USA |

    Customer: “Can I withdraw everything from my checking account?”

    Me: *processes transaction* “There you are. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, can you tell me my balance?”

    Me: “Well, after that transaction, your balance is $0.”

    Customer: “But I still have checks!”

    Me: “I’m sorry–”

    Customer: “I still have checks left in my checkbook, so I can still get money, right?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You can only write out checks if you have that money available in your account.”

    Customer: “But I still have checks! Why would they give me so many hecks, then?!”

    Me: “So you have checks for when you do have money?”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll just write one out anyway!”

    Me: “You’ll be charged a $35 fee for overdrafting your account.”

    Customer: “I thought I had a free checking account. You’re going to charge me for using my free account?!”

    Me: “No, we charge you for spending money you don’t have.”

    Customer: “I’M NOT SPENDING MONEY, I’M WRITING A CHECK!”

    Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

    New And Improved High-Def Hunger

    | Arizona, USA |

    (A customer whose account had been overdrawn for some time calls our bank.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but you’re card was turned off because your account is currently overdrawn $2,000.”

    Caller: “But I dont think that you understand. When I get paid, I need to buy food for my children.”

    (We are able to reverse some overdraft fees if the situation warrants it. I review the woman’s account to see where her money is going.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you said you buy food for your children after each paycheck?”

    Caller: “Yes! I need money to buy my children something to eat!”

    Me: “So your children eat big-screen TVs and acrylic nails?”

    Caller: “You can see where I’m spending money?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We keep records of where you spend your money.”

    Caller: *click*

    Tip Of The Day: How To Apply For A Federal Bailout

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    Me: “Alright sir, you’re all set. Anything else I can do for you today?”

    Bank customer: *jokingly* “Yeah, you can deposit a million dollars into my account.”

    Me: “Sir, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that, I’d have a million dollars.”

    Bank customer: *hangs up laughing*

    Taking The Supersizing Thing Too Far

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (A customer is withdrawing several hundred dollars in cash.)

    Me: “So, how would you like the cash today?”

    Customer: “Um, I’ll take it all in the largest bills you have.”

    Me: “So hundreds, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, a few hundreds, and then some 500 and 1000 dollar bills as well.”

    Me: “Oh, the largest denomination we have is hundreds…”

    Customer: “You see, this is exactly the type of thing that makes me not want to bank with you guys!”

    God Ma’amit

    | Boulder, CO, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Don’t call me ma’am, that’s rude! that’s like me calling you stupid!”

    Me: “I apologize… I was just trying to be courteous.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the manager.”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “You’re stupid, and he’s stupid, and everybody that works here is stupid! I’m leaving!”

    Me: “Have a great day, ma’am!”

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