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    An Inconvenient Convenience

    | Cape Cod, MA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just got my statement in the mail and it says at the bottom to call this number for questions?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

    (A long pause follows.)

    Customer: “OK, so…what are the questions?”

    Me: “No ma’am, that’s in case you had any questions about your statement that you wanted to ask us.”

    Customer: “Oh OK, good. Because I really don’t have the time to be answering your questions.”

    A Penny Lost Is A Penny Earned

    | Indiana, USA | Top

    Me: “Would you like to sign up for our free checking account?”

    Customer: “No, I usually keep my money in my sofa for safe keeping.”

    Me: “You shouldn’t do that.”

    Customer: “But it gains interest.”

    Me: “How does that work?”

    Customer: “When people come over, they keep losing their change in my couch.”

    Fifi Feels The Sting Of Government Bailouts

    , | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. This is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I just went to the drive-thru at the bank’s **** location, and they were very rude!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry. Please explain what happened.”

    Customer: “I go there every day, and they always give my dog a doggy biscuit. Today they didn’t give him a biscuit!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What else happened?”

    Customer: “Well…that’s it, but I always have my dog with me and they always give him a treat. They told me they’re not doing that anymore!”

    Me: “It’s not a requirement for the bank branches to give treats to customers’ pets.”

    Customer: “I’m going to close my account if they don’t start giving out treats again!”

    Me: “That is your decision to make. But again, it is not a requirement for a bank branch to give your dog treats.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *click*

    It Only Works If You’re The Fed

    | Portland, ME, USA |

    Customer: “Can I withdraw everything from my checking account?”

    Me: *processes transaction* “There you are. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, can you tell me my balance?”

    Me: “Well, after that transaction, your balance is $0.”

    Customer: “But I still have checks!”

    Me: “I’m sorry–”

    Customer: “I still have checks left in my checkbook, so I can still get money, right?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You can only write out checks if you have that money available in your account.”

    Customer: “But I still have checks! Why would they give me so many hecks, then?!”

    Me: “So you have checks for when you do have money?”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll just write one out anyway!”

    Me: “You’ll be charged a $35 fee for overdrafting your account.”

    Customer: “I thought I had a free checking account. You’re going to charge me for using my free account?!”

    Me: “No, we charge you for spending money you don’t have.”

    Customer: “I’M NOT SPENDING MONEY, I’M WRITING A CHECK!”

    Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

    New And Improved High-Def Hunger

    | Arizona, USA |

    (A customer whose account had been overdrawn for some time calls our bank.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but you’re card was turned off because your account is currently overdrawn $2,000.”

    Caller: “But I dont think that you understand. When I get paid, I need to buy food for my children.”

    (We are able to reverse some overdraft fees if the situation warrants it. I review the woman’s account to see where her money is going.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you said you buy food for your children after each paycheck?”

    Caller: “Yes! I need money to buy my children something to eat!”

    Me: “So your children eat big-screen TVs and acrylic nails?”

    Caller: “You can see where I’m spending money?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We keep records of where you spend your money.”

    Caller: *click*


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