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  • Rich Has Checked Out

    | Michigan, USA | Funny Names

    (This is an independent bank with only four loan officers.)

    Me: “Here’s you receipt. Are you all set?”

    Customer: “I need to speak with my loan officer for a minute.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s Joe. Let me check if he’s available.”

    Customer: “No! Rich is my loan officer.”

    Me: “No, Joe is. He talked to you last week, remember? Tall guy with a moustache?”

    Customer: “Rich has been my loan officer for eight years. I want to speak with him!”

    Me: “Rich died three years ago.”

    Customer: *silence*

    Me: “So, I’ll get Joe?’”

    Customer: “Right, Joe.”

    Criminal Behavior

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (For 11 days each summer Calgary goes a bit crazy with The Stampede. Businesses are decorated in Old West themes, and our bank is no exception. For the occasion we printed up ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ posters featuring our manager and certain tellers and plastered them around the lobby. A customer walks in, looks at the posters, looks around in alarm at our bank manager and then sidles up to my line.)

    Customer: “Are you alright? I know you can’t talk, but do you want me to call 911?”

    Me: “What’s the problem ma’am?”

    Customer: “Are they holding you hostage?”

    Me: “Who?”

    Customer: “Them!” *gestures at my bank manager*

    Me: Oh, ma’am, they’re not criminals, they’re regular staff. This is Stampede!”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t put up posters like that. It’s like yelling ‘Fire!’ in a movie theater!”

    Unfeasible Fees

    | Montreal, Canada | Crazy Requests, Money

    Customer: “I don’t like these hidden fees! You guys never told me I would have a fee for this!”

    Me: “Sorry sir, however we did send you documentation when you opened your account, and the fees were clearly explained.”

    Customer: “No one reads those! I shred the mail as soon as I receive it!”

    Me: “It’s also on our website if you’d like to have a look.”

    Customer: “I don’t have the computer. You can’t expect people to go online to search for your hidden fees. I bet if I go on the site, it won’t even be there!”

    Me: “If you’d like I can tell you all our fees over the phone right now, I’d be more than happy to.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time for that! Do I look like someone who has time for that?”

    Me: “Would you like me to remail you the agreement of the account? You’d receive it 5 business days.”

    Customer: “You’re not even listening, you’re an idiot! I told you, I shred my mail when I get it!”

    Don’t Bank On It

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am assisting a young woman over the phone; she has just had her wallet stolen.)

    Caller: “Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    Caller: “I had $200 in cash in my wallet when it was stolen. If I tell the police how much was in it, will they give it to me?”

    Me: “You mean, if you tell them you had $200 in cash stolen, will they just give you $200?”

    Caller: “Yes! Will they give it to me?”

    Me: “I don’t think it works that way. If they manage to recover your wallet and the money is still inside they would probably return it to you, but I don’t think that happens very often.”

    Caller: “Oh.”

    *long pause*

    Caller: “What if I told them it was $20? Do you think they would give me that much?”

    No ID, No Idea

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Money

    Customer: “So how long will it take to receive my new debit card?”

    Me: “Five to seven days.”

    Customer: “How will I make sure no one uses my card?”

    Me: “Although there is no 100% fool proof way, you can start by writing ‘SEE ID’ on the back of the card so merchants can cross reference it with your ID for each transaction.”

    Customer: “Oh! I can’t do that, I do a lot of transactions online and they won’t be able to see my ID.”

    *long, awkward pause*

    Customer: “Never mind, just pretend I didn’t just say that.”

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