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    Unfeasible Fees

    | Montreal, Canada | Crazy Requests, Money

    Customer: “I don’t like these hidden fees! You guys never told me I would have a fee for this!”

    Me: “Sorry sir, however we did send you documentation when you opened your account, and the fees were clearly explained.”

    Customer: “No one reads those! I shred the mail as soon as I receive it!”

    Me: “It’s also on our website if you’d like to have a look.”

    Customer: “I don’t have the computer. You can’t expect people to go online to search for your hidden fees. I bet if I go on the site, it won’t even be there!”

    Me: “If you’d like I can tell you all our fees over the phone right now, I’d be more than happy to.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time for that! Do I look like someone who has time for that?”

    Me: “Would you like me to remail you the agreement of the account? You’d receive it 5 business days.”

    Customer: “You’re not even listening, you’re an idiot! I told you, I shred my mail when I get it!”

    Don’t Bank On It

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am assisting a young woman over the phone; she has just had her wallet stolen.)

    Caller: “Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    Caller: “I had $200 in cash in my wallet when it was stolen. If I tell the police how much was in it, will they give it to me?”

    Me: “You mean, if you tell them you had $200 in cash stolen, will they just give you $200?”

    Caller: “Yes! Will they give it to me?”

    Me: “I don’t think it works that way. If they manage to recover your wallet and the money is still inside they would probably return it to you, but I don’t think that happens very often.”

    Caller: “Oh.”

    *long pause*

    Caller: “What if I told them it was $20? Do you think they would give me that much?”

    No ID, No Idea

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Money

    Customer: “So how long will it take to receive my new debit card?”

    Me: “Five to seven days.”

    Customer: “How will I make sure no one uses my card?”

    Me: “Although there is no 100% fool proof way, you can start by writing ‘SEE ID’ on the back of the card so merchants can cross reference it with your ID for each transaction.”

    Customer: “Oh! I can’t do that, I do a lot of transactions online and they won’t be able to see my ID.”

    *long, awkward pause*

    Customer: “Never mind, just pretend I didn’t just say that.”

    You Drive Me Crazy

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (A customer is trying to make a deposit through the drive-up part of the branch, but he’s on foot. Note that we also have a small lobby for walk-in customers.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, this is for cars only. Can you come inside so we can process your transaction?”

    Customer: “What difference does it make?”

    Me: “It’s against our policy for customers to be on foot at the drive-up window.”

    (The customer walks backward, puts his hands as if he was steering a car and walks up to the window again.)

    Customer: “VROOM, VROOM! I’m in a car now. Will you help me?”

    Credit X-Rating

    | North Carolina, USA |

    Me: “Hello and thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a loan. What do I need to do?”

    (I take her information over the phone and tell her I would give her a call back after I review it with any questions that I had. The customer calls back 10 minutes later.)

    Me: “I’m sorry Ms. ***. I have not been able to completely finish, but so far it looks like we would not be able to proceed with the loan.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “From what it looks like, there are quite a few collections from [adult subscriptions] and [porn site subscriptions] that are dropping your score.”

    Customer: “That cannot be! I would know if I had wanted things like that!”

    Me: “From your application, I notice that you also have a teenage son that lives with you.”

    Customer: “D***! I knew that it was too good of him to get the mail for me!” *click*

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