Automatically Teller You How To Do Your Job

| Enfield, London, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I have a complaint.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, madam. What is the problem?”

Customer: “I have an account with your bank, and just used my card in an ATM belonging to [rival bank]. I tried to take out £50. It gave me my card back, but I didn’t get the cash.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, madam. You will need to go into a branch of [bank] to fill out a form. They can then re-claim the money for you from [rival bank].”

Customer: “I don’t need to do that. I have a camera on my phone.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “Look, you are wasting my time. Call your supervisor; tell them that there is a very angry woman on the line with a picture of an ATM on her phone. Then he can press the little button on his desk that will make my £50 come out. Jeez, I didn’t realise I’d need to tell you how to do your own job too.”

Taxing Faxing, Part 9

| WI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I need to open an account.”

Me: “I can help you. It appears your employer requires you use a specific internet site to do that.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You have to go on the internet to a specific site to fill out the application.”

Customer: “What if I don’t have a computer?”

Me: “That’s okay. I can fax or mail one to you.”

Customer: “You guys will mail me a computer?!”

Related:
Taxing Faxing, Part 8
Taxing Faxing, Part 7
Taxing Faxing, Part 6
Taxing Faxing, Part 5
Taxing Faxing, Part 4
Taxing Faxing, Part 3
Taxing Faxing, Part 2
Taxing Faxing

Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

, | Central Oklahoma, OK, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

Caller: “All the other f***ing banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

*long silence*

Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*

Related:
Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

Being Buried In Your Mortgage

| Beaverton, OR, USA | Uncategorized

(I specialize in modifying loans to make an existing payment more manageable. These are called ‘loan modifications’.)

Customer: “I’m calling for a ‘remortification’.”

Me: *joking* “Okay, so you were previously mortified?”

Customer: “Yes, once before. My payments are too high now. I need to be mortified again.”

Kill Bill

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Can I trade you for a better looking bill?”

(The customer hands me a nearly destroyed $20 bill.)

Me: “Sure!”

(I hand him a cleaner bill.)

Customer: “No, this isn’t what I want. Don’t you have any new ones?”

Me: “We only order new bills at the end of the year. Do you want me to see if I have a newer looking one?”

Customer: “Wait, you order the bills? I thought you printed them yourself in the back.”

Me: “No. That’s actually illegal, ma’am.”

Customer: “But my son does it all the time!”

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