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    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 5

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Money

    Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I deposited a cheque in your ATM and wanted cash back, but it won’t let me. I need that money!”

    Me: “Alright, let me just pull up your file.”

    (I find her in the system and see the deposit’s held as she’s overdue on her credit card payments by several months, which caused her accounts to freeze.)

    Me: “Your deposit was definitely completed and is in your account, but unfortunately I cannot give you any cash as your accounts are frozen.”

    Customer:”What! No! They can’t do that! That’s my money!”

    Me: “Well yes, they can, because you haven’t made a single credit card payment in months.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “So, you need to pay it back.”

    Customer: “I have to pay? Why?”

    Me: *blinks* “You didn’t know you had to pay it back?”

    Customer: “No one told me!”

    Me: “Miss, it’s a credit product, meaning you’re borrowing money from us. We don’t give money away. After you borrow the money, you’re expected to pay it back. All of it’s explained in your Card Agreement.”

    Customer: *stares blankly at me*

    Me: “The agreement you would’ve received in the mail along with your card.”

    Customer: “That sheet full of ‘garbledygook’ that no one ever reads?”

    Me: “Just because you didn’t read it doesn’t mean you’re exempt. By using the card, that means you agree to the terms associated with the card.”

    Customer: “But I need my money! They can’t do that, it’s my money! I got no job, I have no money!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, I’ll call them and speak with someone for you. We’ll figure out a solution together based on your current situation, okay?”

    (I call them and discuss with the rep, then they ask to speak to the customer. I hand the phone over, and within seconds she starts yelling.)

    Customer: "GIVE ME MY MONEY! You can’t do this! No one told me I have to pay!"

    (She slams down the phone, storms off while shouting "They won’t give me my money!" to random people on the way out.)

    Related:
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession

    Caught Red Carded

    | New Zealand | Liars & Scammers, Money

    (A customer comes in to get replacement debit card. Lost cards attract a replacement fee, but for stolen cards the fee is waived.)

    Customer: “I need to cancel my debit card and get a new one.”

    Me: “No problem. Was it lost or stolen?”

    Customer: *looks a bit confused* “I’ve only just noticed it’s missing. Does it make a difference?”

    (I explain about replacement card fee.)

    Customer: “Yeah, it think it must have been stolen when I left my wallet in the car earlier.”

    Me: “No problem. Do you happen to have any ID on you?”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    (The customer pulls out an old, tattered wallet that also clearly contains a reasonable amount of cash and gets a drivers license
    out.)

    Me: “Thanks. You were pretty lucky.”

    Customer: “How come?”

    Me: “Lucky they only stole your debit card from your wallet.”

    Customer: *suddenly looking guilty* “Yeah.”

    *pause*

    Customer: “So I’m going to charge the Replacement Card Fee?”

    Me:“Yeah.”

    Rich Has Checked Out

    | Michigan, USA | Funny Names

    (This is an independent bank with only four loan officers.)

    Me: “Here’s you receipt. Are you all set?”

    Customer: “I need to speak with my loan officer for a minute.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s Joe. Let me check if he’s available.”

    Customer: “No! Rich is my loan officer.”

    Me: “No, Joe is. He talked to you last week, remember? Tall guy with a moustache?”

    Customer: “Rich has been my loan officer for eight years. I want to speak with him!”

    Me: “Rich died three years ago.”

    Customer: *silence*

    Me: “So, I’ll get Joe?’”

    Customer: “Right, Joe.”

    Criminal Behavior

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (For 11 days each summer Calgary goes a bit crazy with The Stampede. Businesses are decorated in Old West themes, and our bank is no exception. For the occasion we printed up ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ posters featuring our manager and certain tellers and plastered them around the lobby. A customer walks in, looks at the posters, looks around in alarm at our bank manager and then sidles up to my line.)

    Customer: “Are you alright? I know you can’t talk, but do you want me to call 911?”

    Me: “What’s the problem ma’am?”

    Customer: “Are they holding you hostage?”

    Me: “Who?”

    Customer: “Them!” *gestures at my bank manager*

    Me: Oh, ma’am, they’re not criminals, they’re regular staff. This is Stampede!”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t put up posters like that. It’s like yelling ‘Fire!’ in a movie theater!”

    Unfeasible Fees

    | Montreal, Canada | Crazy Requests, Money

    Customer: “I don’t like these hidden fees! You guys never told me I would have a fee for this!”

    Me: “Sorry sir, however we did send you documentation when you opened your account, and the fees were clearly explained.”

    Customer: “No one reads those! I shred the mail as soon as I receive it!”

    Me: “It’s also on our website if you’d like to have a look.”

    Customer: “I don’t have the computer. You can’t expect people to go online to search for your hidden fees. I bet if I go on the site, it won’t even be there!”

    Me: “If you’d like I can tell you all our fees over the phone right now, I’d be more than happy to.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time for that! Do I look like someone who has time for that?”

    Me: “Would you like me to remail you the agreement of the account? You’d receive it 5 business days.”

    Customer: “You’re not even listening, you’re an idiot! I told you, I shred my mail when I get it!”


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