Monolingual Morons

| Cape Cod, MA, USA | Uncategorized

(Our line has signs marked enter and exit in both English and Spanish. A elderly gentleman is waiting at the exit sign while a line forms at the enter sign.)

Me: “Sir, I would be happy to help you, but you will need to get in line by the “enter” sign.”

Customer: “How would I know where that is? I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “Yes, but the sign is in English and Spanish and the English word is on top.”

Customer: “But I can’t read this sign. It’s in Spanish.”

Me: “And English.”

Customer: “I don’t read Spanish!”

No Country For Old (Wo)men

| USA | Extra Stupid

(I am on the phone helping a woman with her account.)

Me: “Lastly, before we continue, I need some additional information. What is your country of citizenship?”

Customer: “New York.”

Me: “Right, your state is New York. What is your country?”

Customer: “Oh! Manhattan.”

Me: “Manhattan is not a country, it’s an island. What country are you a citizen of?”

Customer: “I’m not. New York. Manhattan. I don’t know.”

Me: “So, you pledge allegiance to the flag of…?”

Customer: “I don’t know! Hold on.”

(I can hear her asking a woman near her.)

Customer: “My friend doesn’t know either!”

The Bank Appreciates Your Donation

| South Boston, MA, USA | Money

Customer: “The ATM won’t take my check for deposit!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I’ll deposit it right now for you.”

(I start filling out a deposit slip as the customer continues complaining.)

Customer: “Your stupid ATMs never work. I always have problems with them!”

Me: “If you’ll just slide your bank card for me, I’ll be able to get your account number and make the deposit.”

Customer: “I need an account to make a deposit?!”

Got Love In The Bank

| UK | Health & Body, Top

(I’m answering the phone at the bank I work at. Note that 999 is the emergency number in England.)

Me: “Hello, it’s Katy at [bank]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My husband’s having a heart attack.”

Me: “You need to call 999.”

Customer: “I’d like to take his name off the bank account.”

Me: “Call 999.”

Customer: “No, I want him to die. So, can you just take his name off?

Me: “No, call 999!”

Customer: “Take his name off!”

Me: “Not unless he comes to the bank and signs it. Right now, you need to call 999.”

Customer: “We’ll be right there.”

Me: “No! Call 999!”

(Two minutes later, a woman comes in and speaks to my coworker.)

Customer: “I think my husband’s dead.”

Coworker: “Erm…have you called an ambulance?”

Customer: “No, because your employee Katy said to come here and not call 999!”

Me:“No, I didn’t! I’ve got the call recorded and I specifically told you to call 999! Where is your husband?”

Customer: “In the car.”

(I go outside and see an unconscious man in a car. I call an ambulance and they take him to the hospital. Several weeks later, the man comes in to sign a form. It states that he doesn’t want to share a bank account with his now ex-wife.)

Related:
She’s Nuts About Her Husband
Through Joy And Sorrow, Sickness And Health Insurance

A Gay A Day Keeps The Terror Away

| Illinois, USA | Bizarre, Top

(I’m a bank teller. I have just politely told a customer I could not cash his friend’s check without his friend present.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Why would I lie? This is a good check.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can only give the money to the person whose name is on the check. It’s nothing personal. It’s just a bank regulation to protect against fraud.”

Customer: “Oh, I get it. All this 9/11 crap, huh?”

Me: “Ha, yeah.”

Customer: “You know, people say that those terrorists want to kill Americans because we have gay people here, but that’s not true.”

Me: “Oh, yeah?”

Customer: “Yeah, we should be blaming heterosexual people. They’re the ones giving birth to those d*** terrorists!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Well, have a good day. Try to become a lesbian…for America’s sake!”

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