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    Taxing Faxing, Part 9

    | WI, USA |

    Customer: “I need to open an account.”

    Me: “I can help you. It appears your employer requires you use a specific internet site to do that.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “You have to go on the internet to a specific site to fill out the application.”

    Customer: “What if I don’t have a computer?”

    Me: “That’s okay. I can fax or mail one to you.”

    Customer: “You guys will mail me a computer?!”

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing, Part 8
    Taxing Faxing, Part 7
    Taxing Faxing, Part 6
    Taxing Faxing, Part 5
    Taxing Faxing, Part 4
    Taxing Faxing, Part 3
    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

    , | Central Oklahoma, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

    Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

    Caller: “All the other f***ing banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

    Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

    Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

    Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

    Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

    *long silence*

    Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

    Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

    Being Buried In Your Mortgage

    | Beaverton, OR, USA |

    (I specialize in modifying loans to make an existing payment more manageable. These are called ‘loan modifications’.)

    Customer: “I’m calling for a ‘remortification’.”

    Me: *joking* “Okay, so you were previously mortified?”

    Customer: “Yes, once before. My payments are too high now. I need to be mortified again.”

    Kill Bill

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Customer: “Can I trade you for a better looking bill?”

    (The customer hands me a nearly destroyed $20 bill.)

    Me: “Sure!”

    (I hand him a cleaner bill.)

    Customer: “No, this isn’t what I want. Don’t you have any new ones?”

    Me: “We only order new bills at the end of the year. Do you want me to see if I have a newer looking one?”

    Customer: “Wait, you order the bills? I thought you printed them yourself in the back.”

    Me: “No. That’s actually illegal, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But my son does it all the time!”

    Ink Isn’t The Only Thing Running Low

    , | Location undisclosed |

    Customer: “Whenever I try to print my statement from your website, it always comes out really light. I don’t have this problem with other websites. Are you guys out of ink?”

    Me: “No. Are you using your home computer?”

    Customer: “Yes. I already called the ink cartridge company. They said it’s not their fault.”

    Me: “Well, if you’re trying to print at home, it’s a problem with your home computer. Our printers are working just fine.”

    Customer: “So, you’re not out of ink?”

    Me: “No. Maybe you should have someone look at your computer’s settings.”

    Customer: “Should I call the ink cartridge company again?”

    Me: “I don’t think that will fix it.”

    Customer: “Okay. I’ll call the ink cartridge company again. Thanks! Bye!”


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