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  • A Gay A Day Keeps The Terror Away

    | Illinois, USA | Bizarre, Top

    (I’m a bank teller. I have just politely told a customer I could not cash his friend’s check without his friend present.)

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! Why would I lie? This is a good check.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I can only give the money to the person whose name is on the check. It’s nothing personal. It’s just a bank regulation to protect against fraud.”

    Customer: “Oh, I get it. All this 9/11 crap, huh?”

    Me: “Ha, yeah.”

    Customer: “You know, people say that those terrorists want to kill Americans because we have gay people here, but that’s not true.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah?”

    Customer: “Yeah, we should be blaming heterosexual people. They’re the ones giving birth to those d*** terrorists!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Well, have a good day. Try to become a lesbian…for America’s sake!”

    Hard On Yourself During Hard Times

    | Rhode Island, USA |

    Me: “Sir, is there a reason you write five checks to yourself every month?”

    Customer: “It’s to make the five transactions each month so I avoid your maintenance fee. It’s a hassle.”

    Me: “I see. Well, you could also just use your debit card at stores five times a month or make ATM withdrawals instead of writing the checks. Those all count as well.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “My debit card doesn’t work.”

    Me: “I can look at it for you.”

    Customer: “No, it works. It just doesn’t work the way everyone else’s does.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “My debit card only works at Gulf gas stations and nowhere else.”

    Me: “Umm…”

    Customer: “My card isn’t like anyone else’s. My card is different.”

    Me: “Sir, your card should work anywhere you present it. Why do you think it’s not the same?”

    Customer: “Because I’m a deadbeat loser on unemployment and can’t find a godd*** job!”

    Deposit Your Checks And Emotions Here

    | Madison, WI, USA | Rude & Risque

    Me: “You have [amount] available on your debit card.”

    Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

    Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, make the past not happen.”

    Me: “I wish I could!”

    Customer: “Yeah, especially ’cause I just broke up with my girlfriend.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Customer: “After three years!”

    Me: “Oh, that’s tough. Well, keep your chin up.”

    Customer: “Yeah, she called me while she was having sex with some other guy.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Take No Account Of This One

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    Caller: “Are you going out of business?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. But we are just about to merge with another large bank. Maybe that’s what you’re referring to?”

    Caller: “No, no. I need to know are you going out of business. Is [bank] going bankrupt? Because if so, I need to take all my money out before that happens!”

    Me: “I can assure you, ma’am, we’re not. [Bank] is actually doing very well at the moment. Can I ask what gave you that impression?”

    Caller: “I went to withdraw funds at your ATM late last night, and it said I couldn’t get any money!”

    Me: “Oh wait, the ATM in our drive-thru? That ATM actually did run out of money last night, but we refilled it this morning.”

    Caller: “I knew it! You are running out of money! I need to come in and close my accounts right away!”

    Me: “I think you misunderstood. We had an unusual amount of withdrawals at that ATM last night, so it ran out of $20s to give out. The bank itself is fine.”

    Caller: “You can’t backtrack and fool me! I’m coming in later today to speak with your manager and close out all of my accounts!”

    Taking Charge Of The Charges

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [bank]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I never received my statement this month! You are just sitting on it and waiting for me to be late! You want to rack up my rate and screw me over! You are even billing me for stuff I never bought!”

    Me: “Sir, what charge are you referring to?”

    Caller: “This one by [company].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m reviewing your account and I don’t see that charge on there.”

    Caller: “Are you stupid? I see it right here black and white! Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “No, sir. I do apologize. I’m just not able to see the charge you are referring to. Are you looking at the statement with that charge on it?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “Okay, so I’m going to pull up the statement you’re looking at, so I can see what you see. Is it the statement that says from this month to this month?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “And it has this balance at the top, and this transaction and this transaction on these dates?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, sir. I do see the charge here from [company]. It is showing as an escort service. It seems to be from the same company you always use. They just changed the way the name appears on the bill. Also, the statement in your hand is the one you just told me you never received. As we have now established you did in fact receive it, when can we expect the payment to be coming in?”

    Caller: *click*

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