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    No Country For Old (Wo)men

    | USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am on the phone helping a woman with her account.)

    Me: “Lastly, before we continue, I need some additional information. What is your country of citizenship?”

    Customer: “New York.”

    Me: “Right, your state is New York. What is your country?”

    Customer: “Oh! Manhattan.”

    Me: “Manhattan is not a country, it’s an island. What country are you a citizen of?”

    Customer: “I’m not. New York. Manhattan. I don’t know.”

    Me: “So, you pledge allegiance to the flag of…?”

    Customer: “I don’t know! Hold on.”

    (I can hear her asking a woman near her.)

    Customer: “My friend doesn’t know either!”

    The Bank Appreciates Your Donation

    | South Boston, MA, USA | Money

    Customer: “The ATM won’t take my check for deposit!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I’ll deposit it right now for you.”

    (I start filling out a deposit slip as the customer continues complaining.)

    Customer: “Your stupid ATMs never work. I always have problems with them!”

    Me: “If you’ll just slide your bank card for me, I’ll be able to get your account number and make the deposit.”

    Customer: “I need an account to make a deposit?!”

    Got Love In The Bank

    | UK | Health & Body, Top

    (I’m answering the phone at the bank I work at. Note that 999 is the emergency number in England.)

    Me: “Hello, it’s Katy at [bank]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “My husband’s having a heart attack.”

    Me: “You need to call 999.”

    Customer: “I’d like to take his name off the bank account.”

    Me: “Call 999.”

    Customer: “No, I want him to die. So, can you just take his name off?

    Me: “No, call 999!”

    Customer: “Take his name off!”

    Me: “Not unless he comes to the bank and signs it. Right now, you need to call 999.”

    Customer: “We’ll be right there.”

    Me: “No! Call 999!”

    (Two minutes later, a woman comes in and speaks to my coworker.)

    Customer: “I think my husband’s dead.”

    Coworker: “Erm…have you called an ambulance?”

    Customer: “No, because your employee Katy said to come here and not call 999!”

    Me:“No, I didn’t! I’ve got the call recorded and I specifically told you to call 999! Where is your husband?”

    Customer: “In the car.”

    (I go outside and see an unconscious man in a car. I call an ambulance and they take him to the hospital. Several weeks later, the man comes in to sign a form. It states that he doesn’t want to share a bank account with his now ex-wife.)

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    A Gay A Day Keeps The Terror Away

    | Illinois, USA | Bizarre, Top

    (I’m a bank teller. I have just politely told a customer I could not cash his friend’s check without his friend present.)

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! Why would I lie? This is a good check.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I can only give the money to the person whose name is on the check. It’s nothing personal. It’s just a bank regulation to protect against fraud.”

    Customer: “Oh, I get it. All this 9/11 crap, huh?”

    Me: “Ha, yeah.”

    Customer: “You know, people say that those terrorists want to kill Americans because we have gay people here, but that’s not true.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah?”

    Customer: “Yeah, we should be blaming heterosexual people. They’re the ones giving birth to those d*** terrorists!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Well, have a good day. Try to become a lesbian…for America’s sake!”

    Hard On Yourself During Hard Times

    | Rhode Island, USA |

    Me: “Sir, is there a reason you write five checks to yourself every month?”

    Customer: “It’s to make the five transactions each month so I avoid your maintenance fee. It’s a hassle.”

    Me: “I see. Well, you could also just use your debit card at stores five times a month or make ATM withdrawals instead of writing the checks. Those all count as well.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “My debit card doesn’t work.”

    Me: “I can look at it for you.”

    Customer: “No, it works. It just doesn’t work the way everyone else’s does.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “My debit card only works at Gulf gas stations and nowhere else.”

    Me: “Umm…”

    Customer: “My card isn’t like anyone else’s. My card is different.”

    Me: “Sir, your card should work anywhere you present it. Why do you think it’s not the same?”

    Customer: “Because I’m a deadbeat loser on unemployment and can’t find a godd*** job!”

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