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    Don’t Know Thy Enemy

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (Note: I never forget a face, ever. A man walks into my bank, straight to my desk. He has a look on his face as if he knows exactly who I am. However, I have never seen him before in my life.)

    Man:*smiles and sits down at my desk* “Your mother is a dirty w****.”

    Me: “E-e-excuse me?!”

    Man: “You heard me. A dirty, nasty w****.”

    Me: “Sir, first of all, I am certain you don’t know my mother, since she’s dead. Second, you need to leave right now for speaking like that.”

    Man: “Wait, is this [competitor]?”

    Me: “No, no it’s not. Please leave.”

    Man: *quickly leaves*

    No Deposits, Just Withdrawals

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Health & Body, Top

    (A customer approaches the teller window with a withdrawal ticket.)

    Me: “Hi there! Withdrawal today?”

    (The customer seems taken aback.)

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “You’re taking out cash, right?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. I thought you knew about my drug problem!”

    Human Interaction Is For Slackers

    | Normal, IL, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thanks for calling [bank]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need my balance.”

    Me: “Sure, do you have your account number?”

    Customer: “Don’t you have a phone number I can call where I don’t have to talk to a live person?”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but I’d be more than happy to check that balance for you.”

    Customer: “No, I’ll just take that other number.”

    Me: “Okay, it’s [phone number].”

    Customer: “Thanks! Now, I don’t need to talk to a live person!”

    Ersatz-Guile Dysfunction

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I work for a bank’s fraud claims department.)

    Caller: “I did not do this transaction from [male enhancement supplements company].”

    Me: “Sir, I see that the merchant was able to verify your name, full address, and card CVV. Is there anyone else who has access to your card?”

    Caller: “This is fraud! I don’t even know who the f*** they are!”

    Me: “I understand, but if they have your address, most likely the product was shipped to you.”

    Caller: “D*** it. I did it, okay? IT DIDN’T WORK!”

    In Creepiness And In Health

    | Portland, OR, USA | Uncategorized

    (Note: This customer is a little odd and makes the entire staff nervous when he comes in.)

    Me: “Okay, here’s your receipt. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Customer: “You could marry me…”

    Me: *awkwardly laughs*

    Coworker: “Well, is there anything else you need from me today?”

    Customer, to my coworker: “You could pay for our honeymoon.”

    (Suddenly, the customer turns to me.)

    Customer, to me: “Okay, I’m just kidding. But I wasn’t kidding about you.”

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