My department deals with account closures. A customer has recently passed, and I am calling her next of kin (her son) to discuss account closure and transference of funds.

Me: “And the matter of the pension payments your mother was receiving. The most recent payment went out yesterday, and that’s fine — we’re not chasing that or anything. It will be the last payment, though, so we should be safe to close the account.”

Customer’s Son: “Oh… the pension people know about Mama, huh?”

Me: “Yes, sir. She had arranged her pension with us also, so both departments became aware of her passing.”

Customer’s Son: “I was kind of hoping I could hold off on calling them.”

Me: *Knowing where this is going* “To what end, sir?”

Customer’s Son: “I wanted to get a few extra payments out of it before I told them.”

Me: “That’s not how it works, sir.”

Customer’s Son: “Could you… like… not pass along the memo for a few more months?”

Me: “They already know, and also, what you’re asking is committing fraud.”

Customer’s Son: “I’m not asking you to commit fraud! I’m just asking if you could keep my mother’s payments coming in a little bit longer!”

Me: “Yeah… that’s fraud.” 

Customer’s Son: “Ugh… even dead, she’s still a pain in my a**!” *Click*

Caller: “I got an email saying my bank account is in the rear.”

Me: “In arrears?”

Caller: “Yes, and I want to put it away from the rear. How much to put it in the front?” 

Me: *Trying not to laugh* “Let me help you with that, sir.”

Caller: “I am on my way to your [Town] branch to withdraw £3,000 in cash, and I need to call you to pre-authorize it. It needs to happen ASAP as I am very busy!”

Me: “Yes, I can do that for you. I will need to go through some security questions with you.”

Caller: “Okay, fine, but make it quick, as I’m about to exit the motorway.”

Me: *Asking, as I am trained to do* “Are you using a hands-free device for this call, madam?”

Caller: “No, but don’t worry about it; I’m a very good driver!”

Me: “Madam, I am not allowed to continue this conversation with you if I know you’re breaking the law by making this call. Please call back when you are either no longer driving or have a hands-free way to make this call.” 

Caller: “I do have a hands-free phone, but it’s on hold with IKEA! I need to order the furniture for pick-up after I’ve been to the bank!”

Me: “You’re on two phone calls while driving on the motorway?”

Caller: “I told you I am very busy!” 

Related:
This Caller Is Off The Hook

A customer comes up to my teller counter with a withdrawal slip. He is with his teenage son.

Me: “So, you’re withdrawing $500, sir?”

Customer: “Yes. Sadly, my account is suffering from withdrawal symptoms today!”

The teenage son groans.

Teenager: “Daaaad! Stop being embarrassing!”

Customer: “Hey! If I’m using this to buy you a PS5, I reserve the right to have my pun!”

The teenager looks at me as if I can help him.

Me: “Dude, you’re getting a PS5. I’d let him dance in front of my class to get one of those!”

Customer: “Oooh, now there’s an idea!”

Teenager: *Trying not to smile* “Nooooo!”

I used to work for a company that traced people who had shares they didn’t realise they owned, usually from the time when loads of UK building societies became banks. We would spend our days calling people to tell them they had money they didn’t know about coming to them, and most people were pretty happy to hear from us.

We would send them a claim form, which had the option to donate the whole lot to charity.

Me: “Hello, sir, I am calling from [Asset Tracing Company], and—”

Client: “Who?! Where did you get this number?”

Me: “From [Building Society], sir. We are calling on behalf of them. Last year, they became a bank, and you were automatically given shares in said bank. You would have received several letters at the time that—”

Client: “Yes, I remember those, but I threw those out! Did you go through my rubbish and fish out my details?!”

Me: “No, sir, like I said, we are an asset tracing company calling you on behalf of [Building Society]. I understand if you have security issues, so I can arrange for [Building Society] to send you a letter to—”

Client: “Okay. If you’re real, what’s my full name and bank account number?”

Me: “Am I speaking to [Full Name, Middle Name, Surname]?”

Client: “Sure.”

Me: “And your account number is [Account Number]?”

Pause.

Client: “I don’t know how you got that information, but I know you guys aren’t real!” *Click*

This reaction is fine. Honestly, it can be suspicious if you get a call from someone claiming to give you money. We got the bank to send him another letter, along with the claim form.

He thought it would be funny to fill out the claim form anyway and donate the money, because y’know, it’s all fake and he doesn’t need it anyway. 

He started to believe in it when he got a thank-you letter from the charity, and he decided to sue them for his donated £60,000.