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    Will Someone Please Think Of The Caviar

    | Ohio, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (A customer is calling in regarding a 5-day hold we have on his deposit of a personal check for $150,000. Note that in the 3 months he has been a customer, his account has been negative 60 times and has an average daily balance of $75.00—hence the hold.)

    Customer: “You need to give me all my money now! My family is starving. We have no money to pay for food! I am going to the local news and telling them about how you big banks are forcing us to starve to death!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we did give you $1000 of that deposit immediately. Due to the large amount of the check, you will have to wait for the hold to be lifted.”

    Customer: “But my children are starving! How can you be so cruel and starve children?!”

    Me: “Sir, we are your bank. I can see everything you have spent with your debit card, and I see you went to [upscale restaurant] and spent $250 last night on dinner.”

    Customer: “Well…the lobster was under-prepared. Do you really expect my children to be forced to eat like that?! This isn’t a third world country! What is wrong with you?? They are starving!”

    Don’t Know Thy Enemy

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (Note: I never forget a face, ever. A man walks into my bank, straight to my desk. He has a look on his face as if he knows exactly who I am. However, I have never seen him before in my life.)

    Man:*smiles and sits down at my desk* “Your mother is a dirty w****.”

    Me: “E-e-excuse me?!”

    Man: “You heard me. A dirty, nasty w****.”

    Me: “Sir, first of all, I am certain you don’t know my mother, since she’s dead. Second, you need to leave right now for speaking like that.”

    Man: “Wait, is this [competitor]?”

    Me: “No, no it’s not. Please leave.”

    Man: *quickly leaves*

    No Deposits, Just Withdrawals

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Health & Body, Top

    (A customer approaches the teller window with a withdrawal ticket.)

    Me: “Hi there! Withdrawal today?”

    (The customer seems taken aback.)

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “You’re taking out cash, right?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. I thought you knew about my drug problem!”

    Human Interaction Is For Slackers

    | Normal, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [bank]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need my balance.”

    Me: “Sure, do you have your account number?”

    Customer: “Don’t you have a phone number I can call where I don’t have to talk to a live person?”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but I’d be more than happy to check that balance for you.”

    Customer: “No, I’ll just take that other number.”

    Me: “Okay, it’s [phone number].”

    Customer: “Thanks! Now, I don’t need to talk to a live person!”

    Ersatz-Guile Dysfunction

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I work for a bank’s fraud claims department.)

    Caller: “I did not do this transaction from [male enhancement supplements company].”

    Me: “Sir, I see that the merchant was able to verify your name, full address, and card CVV. Is there anyone else who has access to your card?”

    Caller: “This is fraud! I don’t even know who the f*** they are!”

    Me: “I understand, but if they have your address, most likely the product was shipped to you.”

    Caller: “D*** it. I did it, okay? IT DIDN’T WORK!”

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