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    English And Polish And French, Oh My

    | Krakow, Poland | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Our bakery in question sells the best cupcakes, muffins and American coffee in town. It attracts a lot of English-speaking clients. Therefore, all the staff speaks excellent English. I am standing in line behind an elegant woman in her mid 30s.)

    Cashier, in Polish: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get you?”

    Customer, in French: “I’d like a coffee with milk, please.”

    Cashier, switching to English: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t speak French.”

    Customer, in French: *appalled* “What?! I don’t understand! You’re talking to me in English!”

    (She turns to other customers in line.)

    Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

    Me, to the cashier: “I know French. Maybe I could help?”

    Me, to the customer, in French: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe I could translate for you? What would you–”

    Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

    Me: “Yes, she is. She doesn’t speak French. Don’t worry, I can translate for you.”

    Customer: “But we’re in Poland! And she’s talking to me in English! Isn’t that illegal?!”

    Hanging Around For A Maternity

    | Missoula, MT, USA |

    (It is about an hour before closing time. A customer walks in and looks curiously at me.)

    Customer: “How are you?”

    Me: “I’m fine.”

    Customer: “You know, I’m organizing this charity event. To support unwed young mothers and those with unexpected pregnancies.”

    (The customer pulls out a pamphlet with a sad-eyed girl and sets it on the counter.)

    Customer: “You should come.”

    Me: “No, I’m fine. Thank you.”

    Customer: “These things happen to lots of people. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help.”

    Me: “I’m Mormon. And not married. And we preach abstinence until marriage.”

    Customer: “Everyone slips here and there.”

    Me: “Not me. I’m not pregnant, and won’t be for a long, long time. But, uh, thank you.”

    Customer: “Well, how about any of your friends? You look like the type–”

    Me: “No, my friends are fine too. Have a good night.”

    Customer: “We could always use donations, you know.”

    Me: “I work in a grocery store, and I’m a student. I don’t have any money to donate.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s disappointing.”

    Baking Up Baby

    | NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to get cookies. How much are they?”

    Me: “By the size of the box or the bag. We have 4 and 8 pound bags, and different sized boxes.”

    Customer: “8 pound bag? So I could fit a whole baby in there?”

    Congra-duh-lations

    | Chattanooga, TN, USA | Top

    (A customer comes to pick up her cake. I hand it to her and she starts to laugh.)

    Customer: “You’ve spelled this wrong, honey.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I can fix it for you right away. How do you spell the name?”

    Customer: “The name is right. It’s ‘Congratulations’ you’ve spelled wrong.”

    (I look at the cake but see no error.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see a mistake.”

    Customer: “Right here. You’ve spelled it with a ‘t’ instead of a ‘d’. It’s okay. You can just give me a discount and I’ll go on with it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m not authorized to give discounts.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the manager.”

    (Long story short, we ended up having to find a dictionary to prove I had spelled it right. She didn’t get a discount.)

    A Bit Grey With Anatomy, Part 2

    | Concord, MA, USA |

    (A girl begins to choke on some bread. The mother then proceeds to try and give the daughter some bizarre imitation of the Heimlich Manoeuvre.)

    Me: “Ma’am, wait for her to stop coughing before you help her.”

    Customer: “What? She’ll die by then!”

    Me: “I’m certified in CPR, I know what I’m talking about. It’s not an emergency until she can’t cough. When she can’t cough anymore, I can help her.”

    (The customer is now basically punching her daughter in the stomach, and I’m becoming increasingly worried that she is going to injure her. Suddenly, the girl stops coughing.)

    Customer: “See, I didn’t need your help. And you know what? I’m certified too; I watch Grey’s Anatomy every time it’s on!”

    Related:
    A Bit Grey With Anatomy


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