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    Someone’s Been Sliced Down To Size

    | Sarasota, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

    Customer: “Can I have this loaf of bread sliced?”

    Me: “Absolutely. Would you like that sliced thin or regular?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know what you call it, but I want it sliced like this…”

    (He pulls slice of bread from his pocket and hands it to me.)

    Customer: “You can keep that. The wife and I couldn’t agree on how thick it was, so I thought it would be best to bring in a piece from the last loaf and let an expert look at it. ”

    (At this point I’m a little dumbfounded, and trying hard to keep a straight face.)

    Customer: “Yeah, the wife’s idea of four inches and my idea of four inches aren’t exactly the same thing, if you know what I mean.”

    (I slice the loaf of bread for the man and hand it to him.)

    Me: *laughing* “Here’s your bread, sir. Have a nice day.”

    Bread Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

    | Australia | Rude & Risque, Top

    Manager: *laughing* “You’re gonna love this. There was a complaint against you.”

    Me: “Oh, okay?”

    Manager: “Apparently you…um, package bread sticks suggestively.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Manager: “Yeah. This is what the actual complaint says: ‘She slid the bread stick into the paper bag while looking at my husband and smiling. I just know she was trying to flirt with him! We couldn’t even eat it, thanks to that hussy!’”

    (My manager and I crack up laughing. I’m a lesbian.)

    And…We’re Still Here (Happy New Year, Everyone!)

    | Vermont, USA | Bizarre

    (A customer, more intent on small talk than shopping, wanders into the bakery.)

    Customer: “So, you have a stove in your bakery?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Customer: “I run a thrift store. We’re looking for stoves. I’m gonna need a stove when I move.”

    Me: “Oh?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m building a church up on the mountain for when the famine hits. People will need a place to go, y’know?”

    Me: “Um…yeah…that’s a good idea.”

    Customer: “Yeah. It’ll be a church and thrift shop. Gotta diversify. You should do more than just baking at your bakery.”

    Me: “We’ll take that into consideration…”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was talking to my boss. You know how everyone thinks the world will end in 2012? Well, my boss told me to change that to 2011 in the US!”

    Me: “Oh.”

    Customer: “Yeah, there’s going to be a huge famine and everyone is going to die!”

    Me: “Well, thanks for the warning. Have a nice day!”

    Painfully Obvious Stupidity

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Food & Drink

    (In Canada, all products have the information written in both English and French. A customer is holding a loaf of whole wheat bread.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! This doesn’t make any sense. This says 100% whole wheat. Is it white bread or brown?”

    Me: “It’s brown.”

    Customer: “But, that’s not what it says here. It says ‘plain’, which means it’s white, doesn’t it?”

    Me: “That says ‘pain’. It’s French for ‘bread’.”

    Customer: “But it already says ‘bread’.

    Me: “Yes, but ‘bread’ is English and ‘pain’ is French.”

    Customer: “So, is it white or brown?”

    Me: “It’s brown.”

    Customer: “Then why does it say ‘plain’!?”

    Grow Up Or Melt Down

    | Colorado, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Hello, [bakery], [my name] speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I have a complaint about the cake you guys made for me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. What was the problem?”

    Customer: “It melted.”

    Me: “Sir, did you purchase an ice cream cake?”

    Customer: “Yes, and it melted when I left it on my counter last night.”

    Me: “Sir, ice cream cake is made out of ice cream and will melt if you don’t keep it in the freezer.”

    Customer: “This is not acceptable. I do not baby my cakes!”

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