I work in a bakery.

Customer: “I’d like some sweet sausage, please.”

Me: “Sweet sausage? I don’t think we have that. Can you describe it?”

Customer: “Like your hot dogs, but sweet.”

Me: “We don’t sell hot dogs, sir.”

Customer: “I’m looking at one right now!”

I see where he’s pointing.

Me: “Sir, those are eclairs.”

Customer: “I don’t want Claire’s! I want mine!”

Me: “No, sir, they are called eclairs. They’re not hot dogs; they’re long pastries with cream in the middle.”

Customer: “Yes, I know. I call them sweet sausages.”

Me: “Next time, just ask for eclairs, sir.”

Customer: “Why would I do that?”

Me: “Yes, why indeed?”

Related:
Never Sausage A Thing Before, Part 5
Never Sausage A Thing Before, Part 4
Never Sausage A Thing Before, Part 3
Never Sausage A Thing Before, Part 2
Never Sausage A Thing Before

A customer comes in to pick up and pay for a cake.

Customer: “I’m unhappy with this. I shouldn’t have to pay for this.”

The manager is called over.

Manager: “Is there a mistake with your order?”

Customer: “No, there was no mistake.”

Manager: “The color, flavor, letter color, and writing is exactly what you asked us to do.”

Customer: “Yes, I know. I just don’t like the end result.”

Manager: “I can swap out the cake for one of the pre-decorated cakes at a discount?”

Customer: “No! I want the cake I ordered to be free.”

She didn’t get the free cake, and she didn’t understand why…

A mother and her young son come into the bakery. I served them earlier in the day.

Mother: “I wish to make a complaint and get a refund.”

Me: “Can I ask what your issue is, ma’am?”

Mother: “You said that you sold sugar-free chocolate cake!”

Me: “Yes, we do have a range of sugar-free cakes.”

Mother: “I bought a slice for my son, and he’s been hyper all afternoon! There was obviously sugar in there, and it made him practically feral! I want a refund, and I want to complain to your manager!”

My manager comes over and the complaint is relayed.

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t give you a refund on an item that was eaten. Also, there’s no proof that your son’s behavior is related to a… uh… sugar rush?”

Mother: “He was behaving, and then he ate your cake, and then he had so much energy that I struggled to calm him down! How do you explain that?”

Manager: “Well, that sounds like a typical little boy to me. Also, he’s currently eating a bag of Skittles.”

Mother: “…Well, I had to give him those to calm him down!” 

She did not get her refund.

I am working on a website for a management consultancy firm, and one of their clients is a baker.

Client: “I love the new banners. Much better than the old site. Just one change, though…”

Me: “Yes?”

Client: “Can you make them more bready?”

Me: “Bready? What do you mean by ‘bready’?”

Client: “Well, the main client is a baker, so I’d like a loaf of bread on every image.”

Me: “Even the stock photo of two professionals shaking hands?”

Client: “Yes.”

Me: “Where do you want it? On their head?”

Client: “No, don’t be silly. Just Photoshop the loaf into the background on the table.”

We eventually settled on a new stock image of two professionals eating toast.

I lived in a small, isolated village at the time of this story. A new development in the past year had included a bakery opening up in town, so when I was asked to make my famous cob loaf dip for Christmas, I made a point to go to the bakery to preorder a cob loaf. I was a little concerned that I didn’t see the employee write it down, but some people don’t need to.

Lo and behold, the day before Christmas I went down to buy my preordered loaf, and they had no clue what I was on about. So, instead of ducking five minutes down the road for the bread, I now had to drive half an hour and somehow find parking at the next nearest place, which was far bigger and busier, not even counting the fact that it was the main transport hub of our shire.

I haven’t gone to that local bakery since.