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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    The Cake Is A Lie

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Me: “Okay, would you like the cake to say anything?”

    Customer: “Like what?”

    Me: “Happy Birthday? Happy Tenth Birthday?”

    Customer: “Oh! Well, if you could teach it to sing ‘Happy Birthday,’ that would be great!”

    (I think the customer is joking, so I write “Happy Birthday” on the cake as usual. Later on, the customer calls in complaining that his cake didn’t sing when the candles were lit!)

    A Smokin’ Deal

    | Ohio, USA |

    (A customer comes to me with a package of brownies with a “Special!” sticker on the top.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why are these brownies “special”?”

    Me: “They’re the bakery’s special of the week. They’re on sale now through Saturday.”

    Customer: “So, there’s nothing different about them?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: *winking* “They’re not…’special’ brownies?”

    Me: “Oh! No, sorry, they’re just normal brownies.”

    Customer: “Never mind, then.” *sets down the container and walks away*

    Do Not Get Hitched, Go Directly To Jail

    | Carlisle, PA, USA |

    Customer:: “I’d like to order a cake.”

    Me: “Alright, what size cake did you want?”

    (We go through the details of the cake.)

    Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

    Customer:: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

    Customer:: “I’d like a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

    Customer:: “He said no!”

    Chernobyl Over Ciabatta

    | Missouri, USA | Top

    (Woman comes to my coworkers drawer and orders a loaf of ciabatta bread. Coworker rings it up and hands it to her.)

    Customer: “This isn’t a loaf of ciabatta.”

    Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, that’s our ciabatta.”

    Customer: “No, this is NOT ciabatta! You don’t know what you’re talking about! I know a loaf of ciabatta when I see one!”

    Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes! I ordered a loaf of ciabatta, and this is not a loaf of ciabatta!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is a loaf. See, here…it says ‘Ciabatta loaf’.”

    Customer: “No, this is ridiculous! This is not a loaf of ciabatta!”

    (At this point, the customer is hysterical, near tears, and waving the bread wildly.)

    Me: “Let me get you a manager to speak to…” *gets the manager*

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I ordered a ciabatta loaf and these kids are trying to sell me THIS!”

    Manager: “That is our loaf of ciabatta. When is the last time you visited our store?”

    Customer: “About a year ago.”

    Manager: “Ah, that’s why. We changed the size of our loaf about six months ago.”

    Customer: “Thank you! Now why couldn’t you tell me that?!” *points at me*

    Manager: “She’s only been here two months. She wouldn’t have known.”

    Customer: “PATHETIC!” *pays for bread and storms out*

    Next customer: *shocked look* “Wow.”

    Sometimes They Travel In Packs

    | Australia | Food & Drink

    (I had just arrived and was beginning my shift, when a teenage girl approached the counter.)

    Customer: “Hi…do you guys sell bread?”

    Me: “Yes we do, anything you’re looking for in particular?”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Which is?”

    Customer: “White bread.”

    Me: “We have several kinds of white bread, what kind would you like?”

    Customer: “Oh…whatever.”

    Me: *grabs the most expensive white bread* “Sliced?”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Thick or thin?”

    Customer: “Oh…thick.”

    Me: *slices bread and rings everything up* “That’ll be $5.50.”

    Customer: “Is it too late to get that thin-sliced?”

    Me: “…I could get another loaf for you.”

    Customer: “Oh…nah, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

    Me: *hands her her change and her bread* “Have a nice day.”

    (She leaves, and a clearly intoxicated man walks over to my co-worker.)

    Man: “I LIKE YOUR BUNS!”

    (He swears loudly and walks away.)

    Co-worker: “It’s gonna be a long day.”

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