Bread Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

| Australia | Rude & Risque, Top

Manager: *laughing* “You’re gonna love this. There was a complaint against you.”

Me: “Oh, okay?”

Manager: “Apparently you…um, package bread sticks suggestively.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Manager: “Yeah. This is what the actual complaint says: ‘She slid the bread stick into the paper bag while looking at my husband and smiling. I just know she was trying to flirt with him! We couldn’t even eat it, thanks to that hussy!'”

(My manager and I crack up laughing. I’m a lesbian.)

And…We’re Still Here (Happy New Year, Everyone!)

| Vermont, USA | Bizarre

(A customer, more intent on small talk than shopping, wanders into the bakery.)

Customer: “So, you have a stove in your bakery?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “I run a thrift store. We’re looking for stoves. I’m gonna need a stove when I move.”

Me: “Oh?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m building a church up on the mountain for when the famine hits. People will need a place to go, y’know?”

Me: “Um…yeah…that’s a good idea.”

Customer: “Yeah. It’ll be a church and thrift shop. Gotta diversify. You should do more than just baking at your bakery.”

Me: “We’ll take that into consideration…”

Customer: “Yeah, I was talking to my boss. You know how everyone thinks the world will end in 2012? Well, my boss told me to change that to 2011 in the US!”

Me: “Oh.”

Customer: “Yeah, there’s going to be a huge famine and everyone is going to die!”

Me: “Well, thanks for the warning. Have a nice day!”

Painfully Obvious Stupidity

| Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Food & Drink

(In Canada, all products have the information written in both English and French. A customer is holding a loaf of whole wheat bread.)

Customer: “Excuse me! This doesn’t make any sense. This says 100% whole wheat. Is it white bread or brown?”

Me: “It’s brown.”

Customer: “But, that’s not what it says here. It says ‘plain’, which means it’s white, doesn’t it?”

Me: “That says ‘pain’. It’s French for ‘bread’.”

Customer: “But it already says ‘bread’.

Me: “Yes, but ‘bread’ is English and ‘pain’ is French.”

Customer: “So, is it white or brown?”

Me: “It’s brown.”

Customer: “Then why does it say ‘plain’!?”

Grow Up Or Melt Down

| Colorado, USA | Food & Drink

Me: “Hello, [bakery], [my name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I have a complaint about the cake you guys made for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. What was the problem?”

Customer: “It melted.”

Me: “Sir, did you purchase an ice cream cake?”

Customer: “Yes, and it melted when I left it on my counter last night.”

Me: “Sir, ice cream cake is made out of ice cream and will melt if you don’t keep it in the freezer.”

Customer: “This is not acceptable. I do not baby my cakes!”

English And Polish And French, Oh My

| Krakow, Poland | Food & Drink, Language & Words

(Our bakery in question sells the best cupcakes, muffins and American coffee in town. It attracts a lot of English-speaking clients. Therefore, all the staff speaks excellent English. I am standing in line behind an elegant woman in her mid 30s.)

Cashier, in Polish: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get you?”

Customer, in French: “I’d like a coffee with milk, please.”

Cashier, switching to English: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t speak French.”

Customer, in French: *appalled* “What?! I don’t understand! You’re talking to me in English!”

(She turns to other customers in line.)

Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

Me, to the cashier: “I know French. Maybe I could help?”

Me, to the customer, in French: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe I could translate for you? What would you–”

Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

Me: “Yes, she is. She doesn’t speak French. Don’t worry, I can translate for you.”

Customer: “But we’re in Poland! And she’s talking to me in English! Isn’t that illegal?!”

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