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    Watch And Burn

    | Lynn, MA, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

    (Although we are not supposed to lock the doors until exactly 9:00 pm, it had been a long, busy day and the manager and I were both tired, so I locked the doors at 8:58 pm. We closed down the last register and were both in the back office counting the till. At 9:05 pm we hear someone banging incessantly at the door, which is not unusual. Almost every night, we have customers banging on the door after close, hoping we’ll let them in. If it’s an emergency, and going to guarantee a large sale like a new car battery, we’ll let them in and help them. So, I go to the door to investigate.)

    Me: “Sorry! We’re closed! We closed at 9:00 pm.”

    Customer: “You locked the door before 9:00! I was here and I watched you!”

    Me: “If you were here before 9:00, why didn’t you come in?”

    Customer: “I was finishing my cigarette! I want to buy an air freshener!”

    The Argument Has No Legs To Stand On

    , | Indianapolis, IN, USA | At The Checkout, Health & Body, Top

    (The marathon was earlier this morning. I am in line behind a customer who ran in it. The cashier is sitting down, while serving patrons.)

    Customer: “I don’t have time for this. My legs are killing me. I ran the marathon this morning, and you can’t even bother standing at a cash register for one day!”

    (The cashier wheels himself out from behind the register. It becomes clear he has no legs.)

    Cashier: “P***y.”

    Returns From The Dead

    , | Pasadena, MD, USA | Crazy Requests, Money, Technology, Transportation

    (At the auto parts store I work for we offer free battery charging for any car/truck/boat batteries as long as they do not test bad.)

    Customer: “I’d like to get this battery charged please.”

    Me: “Okay, let me just test it real quick.”

    (This battery looks like crap, but it’s not leaking so I go ahead and test it.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this battery is not good. It has a bad cell in it. I can’t charge it.”

    Customer: “What do you mean it’s bad?! This battery is pretty much new. You need to charge anyway.”

    Me: “Not gonna happen. It is actually dangerous if I try to charge this.”

    Customer: “I demand you charge this right NOW!”

    Me: “No. Your battery is dead; no amount of charging is going to bring it back. You will need to get a replacme—”

    Customer: “I SAID, CHARGE IT!”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Well, I demand to—”

    Me: “I am the manager. I will NOT charge this battery. It has a bad cell, and there is no way this battery is anywhere near new. Judging by the inch worth of grease around the case and the ungodly level of corrosion on the terminals, I would say this battery is at least 7-8 years old. And If I were to attempt to charge this over sized paperweight, there is a chance it could explode and cause serious damage to the people around it.”

    Customer: “But—”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “But—”

    Me: “Not happening.”

    Customer: “Crap… but I can’t afford a new battery.”

    Me: “Look, give me a chance to check the back. We do have a used battery program, and I may have one in stock.”

    (I walk in the back and find a used battery that fits the customer’s car.)

    Me: “I found this one in the back. Now it is classified as used, but that just means that someone returned a battery with no problems to it, but we can no longer sell it new.”

    Customer: *brightens* “Really? How much?”

    Me: “$43.”

    Customer: “Really? That’s great! I was worried that I was going to have to spend hundreds on a new battery. Thank you so much!” *buys battery and leaves*

    Me: *to coworker* “Why do people always demand we bring dead things back to life?”

    Coworker: “I don’t know, but let me know when you figure out how to do that.”

    He’s Driving an ’05 Pontiac Paradox

    | Salisbury, MD, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I receive a call from a customer who speaks in a completely serious, business-like tone.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [National Auto Parts Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. What are you working on today?”

    Customer: “I have a 2005 Pontiac Grand Prix, and I need a Flux Capacitor.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Did you say you need a Flux Capacitor?”

    Customer: “Yes. Do you have one?”

    Me: “No, the only one who has one of those would be ‘Doc Brown.’”

    Customer: “Where are they located?”

    Me: “Well, I’m not sure where he is at this point in time…”

    Uncoiling His Plot

    , | MD, USA | Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

    (I am a female that works for an retail parts shop. Because of this, a lot of people believe they can pull one over on me.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes I need a coil pack for my car.”

    Me: “Okay, what is the year, make and model?” *he tells me his car* “Okay, I have a coil pack in stock for $89.99.”

    Customer: “Oh, well I called [competing parts store], and they said they had it for $34.99.”

    Me: “Okay hon, no problem.”

    (I know this is wrong, since I am familiar with how our rivals tend to price things. I proceed to call the other store, and get their actual pricing.)

    Me: “Alright hon, looks like they made a mistake with you. They actually list their coil pack at $91.99, but seeing as their economy pack is $87.99 I can go ahead and match that price for you.”

    Customer: “Um… well, it was actually their online price.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we do not match online pricing in store. But you are more then welcome to purchase online, hon.”

    (I hear the guy’s friend whisper to him.)

    Friend: “I told you it wasn’t gonna work.”

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