(I work at a tire center. More often than we’d like, we get completely clueless customers coming in for tire replacements.)

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to get my tires changed.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the year, make, and model of your vehicle?”

Customer: “I’m really not sure of any of that. Do you need it?”

Me: “Yeah, we need to know so we can get the right size of tires. Do you know if your car is a Chevy? A Ford? Dodge?”

Customer: “I don’t know, but I think the name starts with an E?”

Me: “Okay, is it a car, truck, or SUV?”

Customer: “I’m really not sure.”

Me: “Okay, let’s just step outside on the parking lot. You can point your car out for me and I can get the information there.” (The customer stands at the door and points out to the lot, which is filled with cars.)

Customer: “It’s the white one.”

(I go outside and begin to walk to the first white car I see.)

Customer: “What are you doing?! I said the white one! The white one!” *points to another white car in a different direction* “You don’t know what you’re doing! Who hired you?”

(A customer comes in to pick up his Viagra prescription. I’m trying not to be awkward and ring him up as if it’s any other order.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “My name is [name]. I need to pick up my prescription.”

Me: “That will be just a moment.”

(I get the man’s prescription and proceed to ring him up for it.)

Me: “Your total today comes out to [price].”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: *I repeat the price*

Customer: *mumbles* “Still cheaper than a hooker, I guess.” *pays and leaves*

(It’s late at night, right before closing, when the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Auto-Parts Store], can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I bought a car stereo from you all a few month ago, and I didn’t really like it so I gave it to my son.”

Me: “OK.”

Caller: “Well, he didn’t like it either, so he gave it to our neighbors across the street.”

Me: “OK.”

Caller: “Well, they put it in their car and right now it’s sitting in their driveway with the doors open and they’re playing their music really loud!”

Me: “Yes…. well what do you want me to do?”

Caller: “I need you to come over here and tell them to turn it down!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Auto Parts], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I need an alternator for my vehicle.”

(I look up his car and the alternator.)

Me: “Okay, the one we have in stock is $79.99.”

Caller: “$49.99?”

Me: “No, sir, $79.99.”

Caller: “$49.99?”

Me: “$79.99.”

Caller: “Hey, you said $79.99!”

Me: “Indeed I did, sir!”

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you today?”

Caller: “I need a part for my car.”

Me: “Okay, what year, make, and model is your car?”

Caller: “Umm… it’s a black car.”

Me: “Okay, who made your car?”

Caller: “Some dude in a factory.”

Me: “Is it a Chevy, Ford, Chrysler?”

Caller: “It’s a Honda… Civic.”

Me: “Okay, what part do you need?”

Caller: “I was wondering if you guys sell little microwaves to put in the dash.”

Me: “No, no sir we do not.”

Caller: “But I saw this really awesome picture on the internet that had a microwave in the dash of this dude’s car.”

Me: “Um, I’m pretty sure that he had years of experience in working with that particular car, it’s electronics systems, and microwaves before he actually put that microwave in his car. They do not offer microwaves for cars.”

Caller: “So… do you think you could put in a microwave for me?”

Customer: “Could you check my brakes and see if they are bad?”

Coworker: “Of course. Which vehicle is yours?”

Customer: “Oh, I walked here.”

Coworker: “Ok, well we can’t check your brakes if the car isn’t here.”

Customer: “I told you I walked here. I just want to know if I need new brakes.”

Coworker: “I can’t tell you that unless I actually see the vehicle.”

Customer: “Can’t you just tell me if I need new brakes for my car? It’s a Mercedes if that helps at all.”

Coworker: “Like I said, I need to see the car to tell you if you need new brakes.”

Customer: “OK, so can you tell me if my brakes are bad?”

Me: “We physically need the car here in front of us so we can look at the brakes with our own eyes and determine if they are bad or not.”

Customer: “It’s a Mercedes.”

(A customer calls on the phone.)

Me: “Hello how can I help?”

Customer: “I need an air filter for my car.”

Me: “Okay sir, what is the model of your car?”

Customer: “It’s red.”

Me: “Okay, so it is red, but what car model is it? Is it a ford or a fiat?”

Customer: “It’s sort of big and red.”

Me: “…I think you should come round to the store and show us the car you need the filter for.”

Customer: “Are you saying I’m wrong? The customer is always right!”

Me: “No, sir. I’m not saying you are wrong…”

(After this, he hung up and parked his BLUE Audi outside the shop and said it was for that car.)

(I work in a motor factor (in America, an auto parts/accessories shop) which is on the same estate as a car workshop. Outside there is a huge sign for the workshop stating the things that they do e.g. brakes, exhausts, MOT testing etc.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book my car in for a five point service.”

(Now, we do various easy-peasy checks e.g. oil, water, and we fit batteries, bulbs, radios etc, so often customers are often confused as to exactly what we do and do not do.)

Me: “You mean the five point check? Just pull your car into the bay outside and I’ll be out in a minute.”

Customer: “No, NO, I meant the service you have advertised outside! New brakes, oil change!”

Me: “I think you’re confusing us with the garage next door. We’re just a motor factor.”

Customer: “But you’ve got a sign outside!”

Me: “Let’s have a look then…”

(We look and the sign is for the garage next door, not our motor factor. I point out that our building has a completely different name outside it.)

Customer: “That’s false advertising! Why can’t you do it?! I demand that I get a free service for the inconvenience you have caused me!”

Me: “Sorry mate, we’re just a motor factor. I’d happily service my own car, but I’m not a mechanic, I’m a history student. If you’d like the five-point service, try the building with the same name as on the sign.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I want YOU–” *stabs me in the chest with his finger* “–to service my car right now!”

Me: “Okay, if you just follow me, and talk to that gentleman there–” *points at garage owner* “–I can service your car straight away.”

Customer: *walks off swearing*