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    Can’t Put Her Finger On The Problem

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work at the touch tank at a local aquarium. We invite guests to dip their fingers in and stroke the aquatic life as they swim past, provided they don’t put in more than two fingers at a time so as not to overwhelm the animals.)

    Me: “And over here we have lake sturgeon and blue gill, both native to our own Lake Michigan!”

    Guest: “What are these?” *points to starfish tank*

    Me: “Those are red knobbed starfish, ma’am. They’re native to the Indian Ocean.”

    Guest: “And I can touch them?”

    Me: “Absolutely! We only ask that you use two fingers at a time.”

    (The guest nods and proceeds to stick her thumb and forefinger into the tank, pull the starfish out, shake the water off it, and place it in her purse.)

    Me: “Ma’am! Taking the marine life out of the tank is very dangerous! Please! I’m going to have to ask that you put it back!”

    Guest: “But I wanted to take it home.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s a living creature you have there. We can’t just let people reach in and take out our animals!”

    Guest: “I only used two fingers!”

    Better Keep Him At Arm’s Length

    | Philadelphia, PA, USAPhiladelphia, PA, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work at an aquarium. I am petting one of the starfishes in the touch tank when a middle-aged man comes up to the tank. A coworker working the tank is telling us facts about starfishes).

    Coworker: “A really interesting aspect about these guys is that if one of their arms was severed, they could grow another one.”

    Middle-aged Man: “So, you mean that if I cut off one of its arms it would grow right back?”

    Coworker: “Well yes, but—”

    Middle-aged Man: “What if I cut off TWO of its arms? Would they still grow back?”

    Coworker: “Well, I’m—”

    Middle-aged Man: “I know! I will cut off ALL of its arms! Let’s see if it can rebound from that!”

    Coworker: *freaked out* “Thank you for all the interest everyone, but the touch tank is now closed for the day!” *moves all the starfish back towards him and closes the tank*

    Size Matters, Part 7

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Family & Kids

    Small child: “Mommy! I just saw a fish that was as big as Aunt Karen!”

    Mom: “There is NO fish that’s as big as Aunt Karen.”

    Related:
    Size Matters, Part 6
    Size Matters, Part 5
    Size Matters, Part 4
    Size Matters, Part 3
    Size Matters, Part 2
    Size Matters

    He’ll Grow Up To Be A Fine Customer (From Hell) One Day

    | Newport, OR, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids

    (I’m helping visitors touch some of the animals on exhibit. One of the boys in the crowd is getting too rowdy with the snake I have out.)

    Me: “I’m going to need you to step back so someone else can have a turn.”

    Boy: “Why?”

    Me: “You’re being a little to rough with the animal. You can come back later, though.”

    Boy: “YOU ARE BEING RACIST!”

    Me: “Um…how?”

    Boy: “It’s because I’m black!”

    (Note: I’m white, and so is the boy.)

    Me: “Um, you’re white.”

    Boy: “Oh, so now you’re being a reverse racist!” *storms away*

    Eeling Sad

    | Charleston, SC, USA |

    (The aquarium I work at is a non-profit organization, so we’re always accepting donations. A well dressed older lady comes up to me, and asks a question about one of the animals in the 2000 gallon tank.)

    Customer: “You see the eel? Doesn’t he just look so sad in that small tank?”

    Me: “That’s actually just the way they look and act in the wild.”

    Customer: “All the fish are swimming in circles. They just look so bored and sad.”

    Me: “I agree that it must get boring, but this is all these fish would do in the wild anyway. They would even live in a small area, like this one.”

    Customer: “Well, I’d like to just write you a big check. But your fish just look too sad.”


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