I am the watch-stander in Damage Control Central on the midnight watch on April first. Damage Control Central is the primary communications point for any emergency aboard the ship and is manned around the clock. As a result, the watch-standers routinely get sailors wandering in at all hours to ask some extremely stupid questions, like, “What time are eight-o’clock reports?” and, “What deck is the weatherdeck on?”

Since it is April Fool’s Day, I decide to try to limit the Stupid Question Parade by putting a sign outside the door suggesting we’re busy with an emergency situation. In an attempt to avoid getting in trouble for false reporting, I make sure the sign is totally accurate but misleading to anyone not paying attention.

All is well — and blissfully Stupid-Question-free — until the Chief Engineer happens to drop by DC Central to print out a report he’ll be needing first thing in the morning. He is less than thrilled about the sign and yells at me, but he acknowledges that the sign is both accurate and pretty funny.

The sign I posted says, “DC Central is dealing with seawater intrusion in the firemain system. Emergencies Only!”

For non-Navy readers, the firemain is the system that provides fire-fighting water in the event of a fire. On Navy ships, the firemain is constantly pressurized with seawater.

I receive some mild punishment from my Division Officer, but I follow it up the next April Fool’s Day with a different sign: “DC Central is dealing with a Class Bravo Fire in #2 Boiler. Emergencies Only!”

A “Class Bravo” fire means the fire source is a flammable liquid. The ship’s boilers burn diesel fuel, so there is always a “Class Bravo” fire in the boilers when they’re running.

I get in trouble again, of course. For the rest of my tour aboard that ship, I am specifically prohibited from standing any watches on April first.

(This takes place a few years ago on April Fool’s Day. A few things it’s important to note: my father appears to be a very gruff and stoic man, but has a hidden and dark sense of humor; his job involves a lot of people with power tools, and he’s already had to get stitches twice before, due to accidents; and I’m a HUGE worrywort with a tendency to think the worst-case scenario is happening.)

Me: *picks up call from my father’s cell phone* “Hey, Dad, are you working overtime again? The ribs are gonna take a while in the oven, so I was thinking of getting them started now.”

Dad: “I don’t think I’ll be home for dinner tonight, kiddo. I’m actually at the hospital now. One of the guys dropped his chainsaw, and… well, I lost a couple fingers.”

(He’s also always been incredibly calm in such situations; the last time he had to go the hospital, his co-workers told me he complained more about having to use his newspaper to staunch the blood!)

Me: “What?! Oh, my god! Let me call [Brother #1]; we’ll get [Brother #2] from work on the way and be right th—”

(Obviously I’m panicking, so it takes a bit for me to realize that he’s cracking up.)

Dad: “I thought you love to read. Why not read the calendar?”

(I look at the calendar on the fridge.)

Me: “Why you… It’s not a fair April Fool’s joke if it happens to you ALL THE TIME!”

(He brought me a chocolate bar to make up for messing with me like that, at least.)

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(I work at a fast-food place on Coruscant. A couple of robed customers come up.)

Customer #1: “I’ll have the Boba Fettuccine pasta salad with some Sarlaactose-free dip, some Darth Tatertots, and a Grand Muffin Tarkins.”

Customer #2: “I’ll get the Obi-Wan-Kebab, a side of Chewbaklava, and some Qui-Gon-Ginger-snaps.

Me: “Okay, that all comes to 159 galactic credits.”

(The customer then does a weird hand movement.)

Customer #1: “This food is free.”

(As weird as it sounds, I feel compelled to agree with them.)

Me: “This food is free.”

Customer #2: “And you will give us coupons for future free meals.”

Me: “And I will give you coupons for future free meals.”

Customer #1: *really getting into it now* “And you will bring back the McRibba-The-Hutt—”

Customer #2: *interrupting* “Dude, c’mon. Even Yoda can’t bring that back.”

Customer #1: “Fiiiiine.” *to me* “Please let us know when our order is ready.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. I’ve put that order in for you.”

(They walk aside and I serve a few more customers, when I see that their order number has come up but not been collected. I turn to my coworker who prepared the order.)

Me: “Why didn’t those two guys collect their food?”

Coworker: “I don’t know. I called out ‘Order 66 is ready!’ but then they just went all pale and just ran out the door…”

(I am a young Rodian looking to make a name for myself as a bounty hunter, so I have enrolled in Jango Fett’s Bounty Hunting School for beginners.)

Jango: “Morning, class. Today we will be learning how to lull your bounty into a false sense of security. Once you have confronted your bounty, it wouldn’t hurt to engage in a bit of alpha male banter as that always makes you sound cool.”

Me: “But surely it’s more important to secure your bounty first as there’s always a chance they could catch you off-guard.”

Jango: ”Nonsense! I’ve been a bounty hunter for longer than I remember so I know what I’m talking about!”

Me: “But surely the opportunity to catch your bounty so off guard so as to even have time for ‘banter’ is so rare, that really we should be focusing on simply rendering our bounty’s unarmed as a priority?”

Jango: “Are you questioning my years of experience!?”

Me: “I guess not. I’m just worried the situation could get out of hand.”

Jango: “Your fears are unfounded. It’s not like they’ll shoot first or anything…”

Me: “Aaaaarghahhhrrrg!”

Customer: “Grrrrrrrhaaarghar!”

Me: “Haaaargh! Mrrrrrghargr!”

Customer: “Harrrrg! Gorrrrrrerghargh!”

Me: “Grrrrrhrrrgargrgr!”

Customer: “Ghrrrrrdrgerggggh!”

Me: “Owr! Raaaaaargh!”

Customer: Mrowraaargh!”