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    Doesn’t Have The Balls

    | CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a spay/neuter clinic. One of my responsibilities is to explain the procedure to the customers when they drop their pets off in the morning, and give them care instructions when they pick their pets up that afternoon. I am explaining proper care of the surgical site to a young woman who has had her dog neutered. I lift the dog up to show where his stitches are located.)

    Customer: “Oh my God! Where are his balls?!”

    Me: “We removed them, ma’am. That’s… that’s what neutering is.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! I thought you were just going to… I don’t know, tie his tubes or something.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but I explained the procedure to you this morning. When a dog is neutered, we remove the testicles.”

    Customer: “Can you put them back?”

    Me: “… I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Can you put his testicles back?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m afraid once they’re gone, they’re gone for good.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, where are they?”

    Me: “Where are…?”

    Customer: “His balls.”

    Me: “We… removed them.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but can I have them?”

    Me: “WHAT?!”

    Customer: “Can I, like, have them?”

    Me: “NO!”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Ma’am, they’re medical waste. We have to dispose of them properly by law.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because… of the law.”

    Customer: “Okay, whatever.”

    (After she’s gone, one of the other techs confirmed what he thought he had overheard from across the room.)

    Other Tech: “What on earth do you think she wanted to do with them?”

    He Is Not A-Mew-sed

    | USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (We have only been open for 20 minutes, when I get a call to the front to show a cat to a customer.)

    Customer: “Hello, can I hold this kitty?”

    Me: “Sure!”

    (I take out the cat from her cage; she’s a really friendly grey tabby.)

    Customer: “Oh, thank you so much! I can talk to cats, you know! He was meowing at me; he said that I should take him home.”

    (The customer looks the cat directly in her eyes.)

    Customer: “Meow!”

    Me: “Haha, that’s cool. Actually, that cat is female. She’s got all her shots and stuff, so if you want her, you just need to go fill out her paperwork.”

    Customer: “EXCUSE ME?”

    (The customer then growls at me like an animal.)

    Customer: “HE. IS. A. MAN. CAT!

    (He puts her back into her cage, and goes off to fill out paperwork on her.)

    Coworker: “It’s gonna be a looooong day.”

    The Hard-Ball Explanation

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

    (I am a volunteer at an equine rescue center. I am giving a barn tour to a customer’s wife while the manager shows him a horse outside. This morning, we received a stallion and he’s been kept inside until the vet can neuter or ‘geld’ him.)

    Me: “And this is [horse name]. He just came in this morning.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, he’s pretty! Why isn’t he out with the others?”

    Me: “Oh, he’s still a stallion.”

    Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

    Me: “He hasn’t been gelded yet.”

    Customer’s Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand horse language.”

    Me: “Neutered?”

    Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

    Me: “He is going to get his boy parts chopped off, ma’am.”

    Customer’s Wife: *blushes* “I should go see how my husband is doing…”

    Thankfully, This Tail’s Ending Is Not Melan-Collie

    | Pembrokeshire, Wales, UK | Pets & Animals

    (I’m a volunteer at a small animal rescue that takes in dogs and cats to be re-homed. A woman brings in a border collie that’s a bit excitable, but otherwise okay. I’m busy walking another dog so I don’t get a chance to meet the woman. I go back to the office and overhear the owner of the rescue and another volunteer talking about the woman.)

    Owner: “She’s moving to Australia, and she wanted us to take the dog.”

    Volunteer: “I suppose that’s fair enough.”

    Owner: “Except she’s taking her other two dogs.”

    Volunteer: “Okay…”

    Owner: “And she wanted to have the border collie put down.”

    Volunteer: “But there’s nothing wrong with the dog! That’s awful!”

    Owner: “I know. I told her that we only put a dog down if it’s incredibly vicious. She then agreed to give the dog to the rescue, but she wanted us to put the dog down if it wasn’t re-homed in a few weeks!”

    Volunteer: “You’re not going to do that, are you?”

    Owner: “Of course not!”

    (Thankfully the border collie is still alive and waiting for a nice, caring new home!)

    This Problem Can’t Get Licked

    | Chattanooga, TN, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (We are doing an adoption event at a retailer in conjunction with four other animal rescue/shelter groups. Each group is in a large tent with dogs that are up for adoption in crates. A lady approaches, she has two kids; a boy about 6 and a girl about 9.)

    Woman: “Oh, she is so cute!” *motioning towards a two-year-old Shepherd mix*

    Me: “Yes, she is a great dog, and she is great with kids. Would you like me to take her out so you can see how she acts around your children?”

    Woman: “Yes, that would be great!”

    (I take the dog out of her crate, and have her on a leash. The kids are both petting her and the dog is behaving very well.)

    Woman: “Oh… that dog doesn’t lick, does she?”

    Me: “Of course she does. All dogs lick.”

    Woman: “Oh, you will have to put her back, then. My daughter is allergic to dog saliva. We need a dog that doesn’t lick.”

    Me: “Ma’am, all dogs lick. They use their tongue to eat, drink water, clean themselves, and show affection. Maybe a dog is not what you should be looking for.”

    Woman: “Oh, that’s bull. I know you have some dogs here that don’t lick. If you don’t, then one of these other groups will.”

    Me: “You are welcome to ask around.”

    (The woman spent the next 30 minutes going to each tent trying to find a dog that doesn’t use it’s tongue. She ended up going inside and adopting a cat.)

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