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  • Putting The X Into Xmas

    | Australia | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem

    (I work at a small town airport where, every year, we have a small talent contest. Although I do usually work at the flights desk, I am on talent duty, announcing all contestants. The prize for winning the contest is a flight to a destination of your choice within Australia.)

    Me: “Thank you to Waldo the Wizard for showing us his amazing magic tricks. Now, for our last act, we have The Anonymous Singer!”

    (Claps of applause.)

    Anonymous Singer: *pompous* “Thank you very much. I will be singing my own person version of Jingle Bells.”

    (The anonymous singer proceeds to sing a very crude and racist version of ‘Jingle Bells’, leaving the audience and I in stunned silence.)

    Anonymous Singer: “Well? I demand my prize!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I am disqualifying you for the use crude language.”

    Anonymous Singer: “I demand a flight to New York to show off my talent!”

    Me: “I cannot allow you to be in this airport. I must ask you to leave.”

    (He begins to sing the song again when an audience member stops him.)

    Audience Member: “Right, you’re coming with me!”

    (The audience member is about 6 foot, and looks like a body builder. He literally picks up the anonymous singer and carries her away.)

    Anonymous Singer: *screaming* “I’m never coming back! You will never hear my talented voice ever again!”

    Me: “Thank God for that!”

    Happy Spanksgiving

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Holidays, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog—who stay with my parents while I’m at college—falls out.)

    Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

    (The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

    TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

    Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

    TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

    Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

    Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

    Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

    (The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

    Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord girl, what will your parents think?!”

    TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”

    Failed Across The Board-ing

    , | MI, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I recently started working at a restaurant in my local airport. We serve passengers waiting to board their flights. As a rule, we tell all of our customers how long their food will take so that they don’t risk missing their flight or not receiving their food in time to board. I am visibly pregnant.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Can I get a cheeseburger combo from the grill?”

    Me: “Sure! Just so you know, they usually take about 10-15 minutes to make. Is that alright?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine…”

    (I give the woman her total, cash out the transaction, and she goes to her boarding area. After about five minutes, she returns.)

    Customer: “Where the f*** is my burger?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, as I said before, they take anywhere from 10-15 minutes to make. I can go check and see how much longer it will be for you.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! You didn’t tell me that! My plane is boarding! I’m going to miss my flight!”

    Me: “Hold on one second, ma’am and I’ll go check.”

    Customer: “No, f*** that! I want a manager and a refund!”

    (I fetch my manager.)

    Customer: “I want this pregnant s*** fired! She didn’t tell me that the food would take this long! How could you even hire someone like that? I don’t want some knocked up s*** taking my order!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, you are entitled to a refund. However, you are not entitled to insult my cashier and disturb the other customers. Also, I don’t doubt that my cashier told you how long the food would take. I’m betting you didn’t notice her saying it. Just like you didn’t notice that she is wearing a wedding band excluding her from your s*** comment, didn’t notice that your food has been sitting on the hot tray for a full two minutes while you berated my employee, and didn’t notice that your flight is not boarding. The flight boarding is for uniformed military only.”

    Customer:*stammers, takes her burger, and goes back to her boarding area in silence*

    Hello, Abbie Simpson

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Military, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (A passenger comes through my security checkpoint at the airport. She is the most scatterbrained individual I have ever seen, and has had to go through the metal detector three times: once for her belt, another time for her hairclips, and finally, for her dog tags.)

    Passenger: “Geez, I’m sorry, you know? I don’t mean to be so brain dead.”

    Me: “It’s fine, ma’am.”

    (I hand the passenger her dogtags and sees she’s in the Navy.)

    Me: “Oh, my brother is in the Navy. What do you do?”

    Passenger: *laughs sheepishly* “You’ll love this. I work on a nuclear reactor.”

    Weekly Roundup: Lost & Confused

    , , , , | Not Always Right | Geography, Roundups

    Lost & Confused: This week, we feature five stories of customers who are “geographically disadvantaged!”

    1. For The Love Of God, Get GPS:
      An employee serves as a human GPS for one completely lost customer!
    2. More Cars Than Common Sense:
      A couple thinks they lost their car, when they’ve really lost their minds.
    3. For The Love Of God, Get GPS, Part 2:
      This confused hotel guest puts the “duh” in Cana-duh!
    4. At The Corner Of Me & Myself:
      We need more than your living room to locate you, sir.
    5. The Great State Of Confusion, Part 4:
      An airline passenger ends up in New Orleans, LA–Los Angeles, that is!

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

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