(Note: when checking in for a flight, customers are asked to provide the customer service agent with a 6-digit code.)

Me: “May I have your confirmation code please, ma’am?”

Customer: “Sure. It’s A as in a**h***, F as in f***, 1, 5, B as in b****, and C as in c**t.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Um, okay…thank you. I’ll just find you in the system…”

Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling **** Airlines. This is ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “How much would it cost for my dog to travel with me?”

Me: “It’s $50 per leg.”

Customer: “Oh, she only has three legs, so how much would that cost?”

Me: “…that’s $50 per leg, as in travel segments.”

Customer: “…oh. Thank you.” *hangs up*

(The captain of our aircraft had stepped off to get some paperwork as customers were boarding. One passenger looked up front and turned to our flight attendant.)

Passenger: “Why is there only one pilot up there?”

Flight attendant: “She is the first officer. The Captain will be back in a bit.”

Passenger: “Can they fly the plane with only one pilot?”

Flight attendant: “The other pilot will be back in a moment. He is taking care of some paperwork.”

Passenger: “Why are there two seats if there is only one pilot?”

Flight attendant: *gives up* “Well, sir… actually, she is just setting up the airplane and telling it where to go. In a few moments, she’ll push the start button and leave. The plane will fly us all the way there with no pilot at all.”

Passenger: “Oh! That’s neat!” sits down, apparently satisfied*

(At the security checkpoint, I observed a man walking up to the checkpoint with his luggage and a Tupperware container full of soup.)

Agent: “Sir, you can’t take that beyond this point.”

Customer: “But it’s my soup!”

Agent: “Sir, you can’t take a container bigger than 3 ounces.”

Customer: “But it’s my soup!

Agent: “I’m sorry, but you either have to eat it here or throw it away.”

Customer: “But…it’s delicious food!”

(I was flying in first class when two women sitting across the aisle from me buzzed the flight attendant.)

Flight Attendant: “What can I help you with?”

Passenger #1: “The plane seems to be shaking a lot, and I almost spilled my bottle of water.”

Passenger #2: “Yeah, and it’s also really noisy. We can barely hear each other talk.”

Flight Attendant: “Well, the shaking is the turbulence that the plane is flying through, and the noise is coming from the engines.”

Passenger #2: “Can’t you turn off the engines?”