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    That Request Will Never Fly

    , | USA | Tourists/Travel

    (We hit a bit of turbulence. The ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ light goes on, and the captain comes on the intercom to tell us all to stay seated and buckled in. Shortly after this, a woman hits her call light. I come on over.)

    Me: *bracing myself on the seat across the row* “Yes, ma’am?”

    Passenger: “Could I have a glass of water, please?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us to all stay seated for our safety.”

    Passenger: “But I wouldn’t be getting up!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us ALL to stay seated for our safety.”

    Passenger: “Oh! You too?”

    (As I turn to head back to my seat I overhear her talking to the passenger next to her.)

    Passenger: “But I’ve seen them moving around in all sorts of weather…”

    On The Red Eye For The Red Nose

    | USA |

    (It is Christmas Eve and I am stewarding an overnight flight. A mother is traveling with her two young children, both of whom are crowding around the window.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but your children will both have to take their seats shortly.”

    Mother: “Oh, it’s okay. They’re just keeping an eye out for Santa.”

    Me: “Oh how lovely!”

    Mother: “Are they looking out the right side of the plane?”

    Me: *playing along* “They might get lucky if they keep an eye out, but since we’re about to serve the evening meal, they will need to take their seats.”

    Mother: *totally serious* “No! They might miss Santa!”

    Me: “Uh… well ma’am I think you’ll be alright for the moment.”

    Mother: “But we can’t miss Santa! I want them to see the reindeer!”

    Me: “Alright, but if they want to eat their meal they will need to sit in their seats.”

    (I walk roughly two rows down the aisle when another passenger grabs my attention.)

    Passenger: “I don’t care how crazy that mother is, don’t tell them the truth! It’s the only thing that’s been keeping those brats quiet all night!”

    Not-A-Brainer Might Have Been More Apt

    | Auckland, New Zealand |

    Me: “We do have seats available on that flight, but if you were willing to leave an hour later the fare would be $200 less. Would that work for you?”

    Elderly Customer: “That’s not a brainer!”

    Me: *laughing*

    Elderly Customer: “That’s what the kids say, ‘not a brainer’. I’m going to use it on my grandson to show I’m hip with the kids.”

    Me: “I think ‘that’s a no-brainer’ might be more usual.”

    Elderly Customer: “You know what else the kids say? Go f*** yourself!”

    Economy Class Is Now In Session

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (Halfway into a three hour and forty-five minute flight, a well-dressed and seemingly educated passenger rings her call button. She is frantic.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Passenger: “I’m going to miss my connecting flight!”

    Me: “No, we’re on time. All connections will be made.”

    Passenger: “No! I’m going to miss my connection!”

    Me: “All reservations are made so as to give you plenty of time to make your connecting flights, even if we’re a little late. But we’re scheduled to arrive on time today.”

    Passenger: “Well, if we arrive on time, then I will miss my connection!”

    Me: “May I see your ticket, please?”

    Passenger: “I. Don’t. Think. You. Understand! It is a three-hour and 45-minute flight. So if we left Philadelphia at 9, then we won’t get into Denver until 12:45. MY flight leaves at noon. SO YOU SEE, I AM GOING TO MISS MY FLIGHT!”

    Me: “Oh, oh…no…Denver is on Mountain Standard Time. We arrive 10:45.”

    Passenger: “10:45?! How is that possible? Do you even know what you’re talking about?!”

    Me: “Philadelphia is on Eastern Standard Time.”

    Passenger: *blank stare*

    Me: “Philly and Denver are in different time zones. There’s a two-hour time difference.”

    Passenger: *blank stare*

    (I try to explain to this 40-something woman the concept of time zones. When that doesn’t work, I explain that it’s not the same time everywhere in the world at the exact moment of every day. She doesn’t get it until I explain that that is why we have night and day.)

    Passenger: “Oh. Whew. Thank you!”

    Just Plane Unreasonable

    | Winston-Salem, NC, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is [airline] calling to inform you that your flight as been canceled for tomorrow. I’m sorry to tell you that the next available flight we have is Monday.”

    Customer: “What! How can that be? Why are you just now canceling the flight?”

    Me: “Well, sir, due to the weather disruptions, we had to cancel your flight for the safety of the passengers and crew.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. You should have canceled this flight back in September!”

    Me: “Sir, we didn’t know the weather would be bad in September.”

    Customer: “I demand you send me your private plane to take me to Fort Lauderdale immediately!”


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