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    The ETA Is Up In The Air

    | USA | Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Thank you for calling [airline]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “What time will flight [number] to [city] arrive?”

    (I look up the flight in the system, which shows that it’s expected to arrive right about now.)

    Me: “That flight is expected to arrive at [time].”

    Caller: “Well, I’m calling from the plane, and we’re not landing yet.”

    Me: “If you’re on the plane, you probably have more up-to-date information than I do. One of the flight attendants should be able to tell you when you’ll arrive.”

    Caller: “I have to go. The flight attendants are yelling at me for talking on my cell phone!”

    (The call abruptly ends.)

    As Helpless As A Baby

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Welcome to *** Airlines. How can I help today?”

    Caller: “I need to book a ticket for my husband for May 3rd, from Tampa to Grand Rapids, Michigan.”

    Me: “Thanks. Would he prefer morning, afternoon, or evening flights?”

    Caller: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “The morning flight leaves in the morning, at 6:45 am. The afternoon flight leaves at 1:20 pm in the afternoon. The evening flight leaves at 6:25 pm.”

    Caller: “Can he get there in time?”

    Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. That depends on where he’s leaving from, and how far he has to drive to the airport.”

    Caller: “Oh. And those are all on May 3rd?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Caller: “My doctor’s inducing my labor on May 2nd. Will he get here in time?”

    Me: “I really don’t know how long your labor will last, ma’am. That’s something you should probably consult your doctor about.”

    Caller: “But is May 2nd the same day?”

    Me: *baffled* “The same day as…?”

    Caller: “The same day as May 3rd!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. May 3rd is the day after May 2nd.”

    Caller: “But what if it’s 5 in the morning?”

    Me: “It’s either 5 in the morning on May 2nd, or 5 in the morning on May 3rd.”

    Caller: “But is it the same day?”

    Me: “Maybe you should have your husband call to book his own flight, because he’ll know how long it takes to get to the airport.”

    Caller: “That’s a good idea. Should he book it for May 2nd or May 3rd?”

    Me: “You should probably ask your doctor first.”

    Caller: “I guess. You people make it so complicated to buy a ticket!”

    Don’t Knock Exit Doors

    | Canada | Top

    (A passenger is sitting in the emergency exit row. We’re required by law to brief them on the operation of the window exit. One of the instructions is to ‘throw the exit door out’.)

    Me: “Do you have any questions for me on the operation of this door?”

    Passenger: “Yes, there’s something I’ve always wondered. When you throw the door out, where does it go?”

    Me: “It just goes outside. It doesn’t matter where it ends up. Just throw it out and get out.”

    Passenger: “Well, what if it hits somebody?”

    Me: “You’d be the first one out, so it’s not going to hit anybody.”

    Passenger: “What if there’s some guy hiking?”

    Me: “Sir, if there’s some guy hiking where we’ve just crash landed a plane, I’m sure he’s got bigger problems than a door hitting him.”

    Don’t Kick Up A Fuss If Your Heart Isn’t In It

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Top

    (We have just landed. One of the passengers has suffered a medical emergency. Paramedics are on the way, and we’ve asked the other passengers to wait until the man has been safely moved from the plane. One of the other passengers speaks up.)

    Passenger #1: “What is this? Why can’t we get off?”

    Me: “Sir, one of the passengers has just had a heart attack. We need to get him off the plane before everyone else.”

    Passenger #1: “This is s***! Why should we have to wait? I want to get off!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You’re going to have to wait like everyone else until we’ve taken care of the emergency.”

    Passenger #1: “Let us get off!”

    (Another passenger speaks up.)

    Passenger #2: “Hey! This man just had a heart attack! His life is in danger. Are you really so selfish that you can’t wait five minutes for him to get medical attention? I hope that if you ever have a heart attack on a plane, they don’t wait for you to receive medical attention. Let’s see how that works out for you.”

    (The man sheepishly sits down and the entire cabin applauds.)

    That Request Will Never Fly

    | USA |

    (We hit a bit of turbulence. The ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ light goes on, and the captain comes on the intercom to tell us all to stay seated and buckled in. Shortly after this, a woman hits her call light. I come on over.)

    Me: *bracing myself on the seat across the row* “Yes, ma’am?”

    Passenger: “Could I have a glass of water, please?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us to all stay seated for our safety.”

    Passenger: “But I wouldn’t be getting up!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us ALL to stay seated for our safety.”

    Passenger: “Oh! You too?”


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