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    John Smith Calling On Line One

    | Helsinki, Finland | Tourists/Travel

    (I work at the frequent flyer service for an airline. A customer calls in to check his mileage balance but there are no flights registered.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but are no flights registered on your account. I’ll need to check what’s gone wrong and we’ll get the flights registered to your account.”

    Customer: “I knew this! I knew this wouldn’t work. You want everyone to be you frequent flyers so you can spam us with your ads but you won’t give anything back! Not even what you promised!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. I can assure you that’s not how we do business. If you’ll give me just a minute, I’ll figure out what has happened and we’ll get your flights registered.”

    (I scan through our booking system for flights and manage to find three bookings that clearly are his. The bookings are lacking his frequent flyer number and that’s why they haven’t been registered.)

    Me: “I think I found the reason why the flights haven’t been registered, sir. I found these three bookings but your frequent flyer number isn’t registered in the bookings. That’s why the flights weren’t registered. Did you give your frequent flyer number when booking the flights?”

    Customer: “No, I didn’t.”

    Me: “Well, then that’s the reason why the flights weren’t registered. You should always give your frequent flyer number when making a booking. But don’t worry, sir; I can register the flights right here, right now to your account.”

    Customer: “Oh boy, you’re arrogant!”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t need to give my frequent flyer number!”

    Me: “Well, without the number we cannot register the mileage.”

    Customer: “That’s bull-s***, of course you can! When I call you, you know I call you. When I make a booking, you know I make a booking. When I pay my flights, you know I pay my flights. When I check in, you know I check in. When I board the plane, you know I board the plane. You know people, you track us down, I don’t need to give you any d*** numbers to get anything registered!”

    (As he’s ranting, I’ve searched our frequent flyer records with his first and last name.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry that we haven’t been able to meet your expectations, but we sincerely do need the frequent flyer number to register your flights. We cannot use just passenger names for two reasons: firstly it’s against the privacy laws and secondly we have almost 30 frequent flyers that have exactly the same name as you do sir.”

    Customer: “30?”

    Me: “Yes sir, almost 30. And that’s just the ones that have registered as our frequent flyers, there’s even more who haven’t registered.”

    (He agreed to use his frequent flyer number after that.)

    Rolling High Doesn’t Sound Quite Right

    , | Ontario, Canada | Geography

    (I work in an airline call center where we make reservations and make changes to existing reservations such as seat/meal requests.)

    Customer: “I’d like a window seat for my return trip”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Let me check availability for you.”

    (I book the seat for her.)

    Me: “Okay, I was able to book you in 31K, which is a window seat on your return flight from Frankfurt to Seattle.”

    Customer: “What?! I’m on a PLANE? I thought I was taking a bus?!”

    Me: “Yes, I assure you it is a plane, as it is difficult to cross the Atlantic on a bus.”

    Customer: “Thanks so much. I am so excited about going on a plane!”

    It’s Been Ages Since We’ve Seen Those Words

    | USA | Tourists/Travel

    (A woman approaches my counter after spending an unusually long time reading the “Arrivals” and “Departures” board.)

    Passenger: “What does ‘On Time’ mean?”

    The ETA Is Up In The Air

    | USA | Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Thank you for calling [airline]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “What time will flight [number] to [city] arrive?”

    (I look up the flight in the system, which shows that it’s expected to arrive right about now.)

    Me: “That flight is expected to arrive at [time].”

    Caller: “Well, I’m calling from the plane, and we’re not landing yet.”

    Me: “If you’re on the plane, you probably have more up-to-date information than I do. One of the flight attendants should be able to tell you when you’ll arrive.”

    Caller: “I have to go. The flight attendants are yelling at me for talking on my cell phone!”

    (The call abruptly ends.)

    As Helpless As A Baby

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Welcome to *** Airlines. How can I help today?”

    Caller: “I need to book a ticket for my husband for May 3rd, from Tampa to Grand Rapids, Michigan.”

    Me: “Thanks. Would he prefer morning, afternoon, or evening flights?”

    Caller: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “The morning flight leaves in the morning, at 6:45 am. The afternoon flight leaves at 1:20 pm in the afternoon. The evening flight leaves at 6:25 pm.”

    Caller: “Can he get there in time?”

    Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. That depends on where he’s leaving from, and how far he has to drive to the airport.”

    Caller: “Oh. And those are all on May 3rd?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Caller: “My doctor’s inducing my labor on May 2nd. Will he get here in time?”

    Me: “I really don’t know how long your labor will last, ma’am. That’s something you should probably consult your doctor about.”

    Caller: “But is May 2nd the same day?”

    Me: *baffled* “The same day as…?”

    Caller: “The same day as May 3rd!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. May 3rd is the day after May 2nd.”

    Caller: “But what if it’s 5 in the morning?”

    Me: “It’s either 5 in the morning on May 2nd, or 5 in the morning on May 3rd.”

    Caller: “But is it the same day?”

    Me: “Maybe you should have your husband call to book his own flight, because he’ll know how long it takes to get to the airport.”

    Caller: “That’s a good idea. Should he book it for May 2nd or May 3rd?”

    Me: “You should probably ask your doctor first.”

    Caller: “I guess. You people make it so complicated to buy a ticket!”


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