(A woman approaches my counter after spending an unusually long time reading the “Arrivals” and “Departures” board.)

Passenger: “What does ‘On Time’ mean?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [airline]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “What time will flight [number] to [city] arrive?”

(I look up the flight in the system, which shows that it’s expected to arrive right about now.)

Me: “That flight is expected to arrive at [time].”

Caller: “Well, I’m calling from the plane, and we’re not landing yet.”

Me: “If you’re on the plane, you probably have more up-to-date information than I do. One of the flight attendants should be able to tell you when you’ll arrive.”

Caller: “I have to go. The flight attendants are yelling at me for talking on my cell phone!”

(The call abruptly ends.)

Me: “Welcome to *** Airlines. How can I help today?”

Caller: “I need to book a ticket for my husband for May 3rd, from Tampa to Grand Rapids, Michigan.”

Me: “Thanks. Would he prefer morning, afternoon, or evening flights?”

Caller: “What does that mean?”

Me: “The morning flight leaves in the morning, at 6:45 am. The afternoon flight leaves at 1:20 pm in the afternoon. The evening flight leaves at 6:25 pm.”

Caller: “Can he get there in time?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. That depends on where he’s leaving from, and how far he has to drive to the airport.”

Caller: “Oh. And those are all on May 3rd?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “My doctor’s inducing my labor on May 2nd. Will he get here in time?”

Me: “I really don’t know how long your labor will last, ma’am. That’s something you should probably consult your doctor about.”

Caller: “But is May 2nd the same day?”

Me: *baffled* “The same day as…?”

Caller: “The same day as May 3rd!”

Me: “No, ma’am. May 3rd is the day after May 2nd.”

Caller: “But what if it’s 5 in the morning?”

Me: “It’s either 5 in the morning on May 2nd, or 5 in the morning on May 3rd.”

Caller: “But is it the same day?”

Me: “Maybe you should have your husband call to book his own flight, because he’ll know how long it takes to get to the airport.”

Caller: “That’s a good idea. Should he book it for May 2nd or May 3rd?”

Me: “You should probably ask your doctor first.”

Caller: “I guess. You people make it so complicated to buy a ticket!”

(A passenger is sitting in the emergency exit row. We’re required by law to brief them on the operation of the window exit. One of the instructions is to ‘throw the exit door out’.)

Me: “Do you have any questions for me on the operation of this door?”

Passenger: “Yes, there’s something I’ve always wondered. When you throw the door out, where does it go?”

Me: “It just goes outside. It doesn’t matter where it ends up. Just throw it out and get out.”

Passenger: “Well, what if it hits somebody?”

Me: “You’d be the first one out, so it’s not going to hit anybody.”

Passenger: “What if there’s some guy hiking?”

Me: “Sir, if there’s some guy hiking where we’ve just crash landed a plane, I’m sure he’s got bigger problems than a door hitting him.”

(We have just landed. One of the passengers has suffered a medical emergency. Paramedics are on the way, and we’ve asked the other passengers to wait until the man has been safely moved from the plane. One of the other passengers speaks up.)

Passenger #1: “What is this? Why can’t we get off?”

Me: “Sir, one of the passengers has just had a heart attack. We need to get him off the plane before everyone else.”

Passenger #1: “This is s***! Why should we have to wait? I want to get off!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You’re going to have to wait like everyone else until we’ve taken care of the emergency.”

Passenger #1: “Let us get off!”

(Another passenger speaks up.)

Passenger #2: “Hey! This man just had a heart attack! His life is in danger. Are you really so selfish that you can’t wait five minutes for him to get medical attention? I hope that if you ever have a heart attack on a plane, they don’t wait for you to receive medical attention. Let’s see how that works out for you.”

(The man sheepishly sits down and the entire cabin applauds.)

(We hit a bit of turbulence. The ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ light goes on, and the captain comes on the intercom to tell us all to stay seated and buckled in. Shortly after this, a woman hits her call light. I come on over.)

Me: *bracing myself on the seat across the row* “Yes, ma’am?”

Passenger: “Could I have a glass of water, please?”

Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us to all stay seated for our safety.”

Passenger: “But I wouldn’t be getting up!”

Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us ALL to stay seated for our safety.”

Passenger: “Oh! You too?”

(We hit a bit of turbulence. The ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ light goes on, and the captain comes on the intercom to tell us all to stay seated and buckled in. Shortly after this, a woman hits her call light. I come on over.)

Me: *bracing myself on the seat across the row* “Yes, ma’am?”

Passenger: “Could I have a glass of water, please?”

Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us to all stay seated for our safety.”

Passenger: “But I wouldn’t be getting up!”

Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us ALL to stay seated for our safety.”

Passenger: “Oh! You too?”

(As I turn to head back to my seat I overhear her talking to the passenger next to her.)

Passenger: “But I’ve seen them moving around in all sorts of weather…”

(It is Christmas Eve and I am stewarding an overnight flight. A mother is traveling with her two young children, both of whom are crowding around the window.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but your children will both have to take their seats shortly.”

Mother: “Oh, it’s okay. They’re just keeping an eye out for Santa.”

Me: “Oh how lovely!”

Mother: “Are they looking out the right side of the plane?”

Me: *playing along* “They might get lucky if they keep an eye out, but since we’re about to serve the evening meal, they will need to take their seats.”

Mother: *totally serious* “No! They might miss Santa!”

Me: “Uh… well ma’am I think you’ll be alright for the moment.”

Mother: “But we can’t miss Santa! I want them to see the reindeer!”

Me: “Alright, but if they want to eat their meal they will need to sit in their seats.”

(I walk roughly two rows down the aisle when another passenger grabs my attention.)

Passenger: “I don’t care how crazy that mother is, don’t tell them the truth! It’s the only thing that’s been keeping those brats quiet all night!”

Me: “We do have seats available on that flight, but if you were willing to leave an hour later the fare would be $200 less. Would that work for you?”

Elderly Customer: “That’s not a brainer!”

Me: *laughing*

Elderly Customer: “That’s what the kids say, ‘not a brainer’. I’m going to use it on my grandson to show I’m hip with the kids.”

Me: “I think ‘that’s a no-brainer’ might be more usual.”

Elderly Customer: “You know what else the kids say? Go f*** yourself!”

(Halfway into a three hour and forty-five minute flight, a well-dressed and seemingly educated passenger rings her call button. She is frantic.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Passenger: “I’m going to miss my connecting flight!”

Me: “No, we’re on time. All connections will be made.”

Passenger: “No! I’m going to miss my connection!”

Me: “All reservations are made so as to give you plenty of time to make your connecting flights, even if we’re a little late. But we’re scheduled to arrive on time today.”

Passenger: “Well, if we arrive on time, then I will miss my connection!”

Me: “May I see your ticket, please?”

Passenger: “I. Don’t. Think. You. Understand! It is a three-hour and 45-minute flight. So if we left Philadelphia at 9, then we won’t get into Denver until 12:45. MY flight leaves at noon. SO YOU SEE, I AM GOING TO MISS MY FLIGHT!”

Me: “Oh, oh…no…Denver is on Mountain Standard Time. We arrive 10:45.”

Passenger: “10:45?! How is that possible? Do you even know what you’re talking about?!”

Me: “Philadelphia is on Eastern Standard Time.”

Passenger: *blank stare*

Me: “Philly and Denver are in different time zones. There’s a two-hour time difference.”

Passenger: *blank stare*

(I try to explain to this 40-something woman the concept of time zones. When that doesn’t work, I explain that it’s not the same time everywhere in the world at the exact moment of every day. She doesn’t get it until I explain that that is why we have night and day.)

Passenger: “Oh. Whew. Thank you!”