Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, my daughter is right outside her flight but they won’t let her on. She has a pet bird she’s taking with her as her carry-on, and I KNOW we have it cleared so she can do that!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, one moment while I pull up your daughter’s flight information.”

(I look through the information, and it’s all there. She has permission to take the little pet bird onto the plane as long as she keeps it in her lap. Curious about what the issue could be, I call up the person at the desk at her flight. After a moment of talking, I return to the caller on the phone.)

Me: “Ma’am, I found out what the problem is.”

Caller: “There shouldn’t be a problem! My daughter has permission to take her bird on the plane with her!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t take a pet bird on a plane in a cookie jar…”

(Note: when checking in for a flight, customers are asked to provide the customer service agent with a 6-digit code.)

Me: “May I have your confirmation code please, ma’am?”

Customer: “Sure. It’s A as in a**h***, F as in f***, 1, 5, B as in b****, and C as in c**t.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Um, okay…thank you. I’ll just find you in the system…”

Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling **** Airlines. This is ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “How much would it cost for my dog to travel with me?”

Me: “It’s $50 per leg.”

Customer: “Oh, she only has three legs, so how much would that cost?”

Me: “…that’s $50 per leg, as in travel segments.”

Customer: “…oh. Thank you.” *hangs up*

(The captain of our aircraft had stepped off to get some paperwork as customers were boarding. One passenger looked up front and turned to our flight attendant.)

Passenger: “Why is there only one pilot up there?”

Flight attendant: “She is the first officer. The Captain will be back in a bit.”

Passenger: “Can they fly the plane with only one pilot?”

Flight attendant: “The other pilot will be back in a moment. He is taking care of some paperwork.”

Passenger: “Why are there two seats if there is only one pilot?”

Flight attendant: *gives up* “Well, sir… actually, she is just setting up the airplane and telling it where to go. In a few moments, she’ll push the start button and leave. The plane will fly us all the way there with no pilot at all.”

Passenger: “Oh! That’s neat!” sits down, apparently satisfied*

(At the security checkpoint, I observed a man walking up to the checkpoint with his luggage and a Tupperware container full of soup.)

Agent: “Sir, you can’t take that beyond this point.”

Customer: “But it’s my soup!”

Agent: “Sir, you can’t take a container bigger than 3 ounces.”

Customer: “But it’s my soup!

Agent: “I’m sorry, but you either have to eat it here or throw it away.”

Customer: “But…it’s delicious food!”

(I was flying in first class when two women sitting across the aisle from me buzzed the flight attendant.)

Flight Attendant: “What can I help you with?”

Passenger #1: “The plane seems to be shaking a lot, and I almost spilled my bottle of water.”

Passenger #2: “Yeah, and it’s also really noisy. We can barely hear each other talk.”

Flight Attendant: “Well, the shaking is the turbulence that the plane is flying through, and the noise is coming from the engines.”

Passenger #2: “Can’t you turn off the engines?”

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story

Customer: “Excuse me, when does the non-smoking sign go off?”

Me: “It doesn’t. You’re not allowed to smoke on this flight.”

Customer: “But it’s lit up! The seatbelt light turns off, and I think I need a smoke.”

Me: “You’re not allowed to smoke on an airplane.”

Customer: “I can’t just go outside and smoke, can I? *points to an emergency exit*

Me: “Er…good luck with that….”

(A man and his girlfriend are standing towards the front of the line to board an airplane. I’m a passenger who overhears their conversation.)

Airline employee: “We are now boarding numbers 1 through 30.”

(The man begins to walk away, but his girlfriend stays put.)

Girlfriend: “Where are you going?”

Man: “They called numbers 1 through 30.”

Girlfriend: “But my number is 6!”

Elderly passenger: “Can you take my bag from the overhead bin and put it in the row?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re in the exit row. It must remain clear.”

Elderly passenger: “Well, how about up front by the door?”

Me: “No, that must remain clear as well.”

Elderly passenger: “Just put it in the aisle, then.”

Me: “…”