(Okahoma has been getting a few earthquakes lately and apparently not everyone is used to them yet.)

Me: “911, where is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, I’d like to report that my house just shook.”

Me: “Yes, sir, that was an earthquake. Is anyone injured?”

Caller: “Oh! Is THAT what that was? Nevermind!”

Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “I’m a bad, bad boy.”

Me: “Yes, you are. I have a squad car en route to your location. Have a good day, sir.”

Me: “911, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes?! Hello! I live at [location]. My husband was stabbed by a madman! Oh, god! He’s outside my bedroom door! He’s knocking on it!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am, a police–”

Caller: “What?!”

(Suddenly, there is a lot of talking and a bit of laughing.)

Caller, to someone else: “You ****! You scared the **** out of me! A prank?! I called the **** police! I could have gone to jail!”

Caller, to me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s a false alarm.”

Me: “Um, alright.”

Caller: “Actually, send over a cop car. I’m about to murder two men.”

(I get dispatched to a call: ‘1 year old male, possibly crying’. We get on scene and the mother opens the front door with a happy and healthy baby in her arms.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Mother: “Well, my baby just looked terrible so I freaked out and called you guys.”

Me: “It’s not a problem. Can you tell me what happened?”

Mother: “Well it was right after dinner. He looked confused, turned bright red, and started crying uncontrollably.”

Me: “And when did he stop crying?”

Mother: “He just stopped right before you guys got here. I changed his diaper, and here we are.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think I know what the problem is. Your baby was just constipated.”

(At this point, the grandmother walks in the room.)

Grandmother: “You called 911? He had to poop! I told you he wasn’t ready for solid food! I’m sorry, guys. You can go back to the people who really need your help. I got this.”

Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “You have to help me! Someone has been following me all day!”

Me: “Can you give a description of the person?”

Caller: “She’s all black, taller than me, and no face.”

Me: “Ma’am…that’s your shadow.”

Caller: “A what?”

Me: “Ma’am, a shadow is seen as a reflection of yourself when the sun is at a certain angle.”

Caller: “Oh my GOD! It’s like a fairy!”

Me: “No, it–”

Caller: “OH MY GOD, EVERYONE! I HAVE A FAIRY!”

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain…stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your…brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*

(Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

911: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

911: “Did he try to bite you?”

Caller: “No.”

911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”

(The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line)

1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”

2. “My TV is out.”

3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”

4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”

5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”

6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”

7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”

8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my inlaws will be here in an hour.”

9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”

10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”

11. “Are crabs in season?”

12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”

13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”