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    Survival Of The Fittest In Action

    | Schenectady, NY, USA |

    Me:¬†”Hello, this is Dr. ***’s office. Can I help you?”

    Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

    Me:¬†”I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

    Patient: “Yeah, check.¬†I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

    Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

    Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!’”

    Me: “… a guy at the bar?”

    Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills and it really helped.”

    Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

    Patient: “Yeah, it really helped and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout.¬†So is there an injection?”

    Me: “Hold, please.”

    (At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and explain to her the situation. ¬†She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

    Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

    Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

    Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

    Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

    Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

    Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

    Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

    Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

    Me: “Oh. My.¬†God.”