Something New Under The Sun

Coworker: “Man, it’s such a beautiful day out today!”

Me: “No, it’s not.”

Coworker: “Yes, it is! The sun is gorgeous!”

Me: “The sun is evil.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t.”

Me: “Yes, it is. The sun makes everything worse.”

Coworker: “You’re just saying that because you’re a vampire.”

(It is well known among my coworkers that I emphatically prefer nighttime to daytime.)

Me: “My love of the night not withstanding, the sun IS a bad thing. It makes the weather worse.”

Coworker: “Not today. It’s beautiful out.”

Me: “It’s bright, and ‘glarey.’ The sun is just blinding and abrasive and it makes the weather worse. You know how they say the sun is a big ball of fire in space? That’s BS. I want to meet the quack scientist who came up with that theory.”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Me: *singsong voice* “The sun isn’t some magic ball of fire that warms our planet and whose heat we couldn’t live without!” *end singsong* “I believe in the scientific process, so check this: In summer, when it’s hot and humid and you just want it to be cold, what does the sun do?”

Coworker: “It makes things hotter.”

Me: “Exactly. BUT what about in the winter? When it’s cold and freezing and you just want it to warm up. What does the sun do then?”

Coworker: “It… makes things warm?”

Me: “No. Think back, we just got hit by that polar vortex this winter. The warmest days were cloudy and rainy, because rain is good and moderates the temperature. The COLDEST days there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Bright, shiny, glarey days that were easily colder than when a blizzard was coming through.”

Coworker: *tries to protest, but gets caught short as she thinks back and realizes this was true*

Me: “SO… in the winter, the sun just makes things even colder. The sun ISN’T some magic ball of life giving heat. The sun is the eye of a malevolent God. It gazes down upon us like a physical presence, weighing us down and making everything worse. It makes us cold in the winter, it makes us hot in the summer, it blinds us as we drive, and agitates the air around us making the air thicker and unpleasant.”

Coworker: *seems to want to argue the ‘eye of a malevolent god’ comment, but is still digesting that most of what I said reflects her experience*

Me: “And now you know. We’re only awake during the day because ‘everyone else is.’ Ignore the sun, revel in the night, don’t be another slave to the brilliance. You can thank me later.”