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    SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

    | Chicagoland, IL, USA |

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

    Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

    Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

    Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

    Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

    Me: “…little people?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

    (When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)