Should I Stay Or Should I Go Or Stay Or Go Or…

(Due to a series of unprecedented traffic jams, terrible bad luck, and general mishaps, I have arrive two and a half hours late for a three-and-a-half-hour class, exhausted, sweating, and dehydrated. My computer, MP3 player, and GPS are drained, but not as drained as I am. I stagger into the building and basically collapse in the hallway outside the bathroom. I decide there’s no point in entering the class so late, so I plug my electronics into the wall so I can use them on the bus ride home. While resting to regain my strength and sanity, the building’s security guard passes by me, heading for the bathroom. He does a double-take.)

Guard: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I got stuck in traffic for two hours and I’m exhausted. It’s too late to go to class, so I’m resting a bit before I go back home.”

Guard: “What you’re doing is not okay. You can’t come in here and start living in the back hallways.”

Me: “Oooo…kay. Do you want me to go upstairs to where the classes are?”

Guard: “No, it’s okay. You can stay here.”

Me: “So there’s no problem?”

Guard: “Of course there’s a problem. You can’t be here.”

Me: “So do you want me to leave?”

Guard: “No, there’s no problem.”

Me: “I don’t understand. What do you want me to do?”

Guard: “Nothing, but you can’t stay here.”

Me: “So I’ll leave.”

Guard: “No, you’re not doing anything wrong.”

Me: “What do you want from me?!”

Guard: “You can’t stay here.”

Me: “I’m not staying here! I’m just resting for a bit!”

Guard: “But you can’t stay here.”

Me: “So I’ll leave!”

Guard: “You don’t have to leave.”

(At this point my strength, patience, and sanity give out and I just decide not to answer the lunatic. He gives up and goes into the bathroom. When he comes out…)

Guard: “You can’t stay here.”

(And we go through the entire thing again. To this day I wonder if he wasn’t some sort of dehydration-induced hallucination.)