(A guest staying in the hotel calls the Front Desk at 3:30 AM.)

Me: “Front Desk.”

Guest: *slurring* “I messed my bed!”

Me: “What do you mean by ‘mess’, sir?”

Guest: “I mean I s*** my bed. You are gonna have to come clean it up!”

Me: “You are more than welcome to come down to the–”

Guest: “You are gonna come clean this up! I need new sheets!”

Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but I am not coming to your room to clean up your feces. I can give you fresh sheets at the front desk.”

Guest: “You are going to clean my s***!”

(This goes back and forth for several minutes, when I look in the computer to see that the guest is in a room with two beds.)

Me: “Sir, are you in this room by yourself?”

Guest: “Yes!”

Me: “Is the other bed broken?”

Guest: “No!”

Me: “Could you, perhaps, sleep in the other bed until housekeeping can give you fresh sheets?”

Guest: “You won’t charge me for using the other bed?”