Problem Exists Between Caller And Afterlife

(I have been trying to help a customer solve a common and easily-fixed issue, but he has been arguing at every point, insisting that his computer is broken beyond repair and we owe him a new, free computer. This is despite the fact that he is several years out of his warranty, and I’ve already granted an exception to help him over the phone, because of the simplicity of the issue.)

Me: “I know this process can sometimes be frustrating, sir, but if you can work with me just a few minutes more, then we’ll have your computer just the way you like it again.”

Caller: “I don’t have time for this! You people broke my computer, and owe me a new one. I’m not going to jump through all these hoops just to have it break again tomorrow!”

Me: “Sir, I understand, but—”

Caller: “This is appalling customer service. You are refusing to grant me a very simple request. [Famous Founder of Company] will be very disappointed that I’m being treated like this!”

Me: “Um, sir—”

Caller: “I’m a close friend of his! In fact, we’re having lunch tomorrow—”

Me: “Sir—”

Caller: “I’m going to tell him all about this and you’re going to get fired!”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: “Not so smug now, are you?”

Me: “Sir, I regret to inform you, but [Founder] passed away a little over two years ago now.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “There was a film about it.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “I understand it’s painful, having to hear about your close friend from me, rather than the family, but I didn’t want you to be waiting for him at your lunch tomorrow.”

Caller: *click*