Preaching To The Converted

(It’s the day of our church fete. I’m helping out on a busy stall while my father (who also happens to be the vicar) finishes up at his day job. A young man and woman are hanging about at the entrance, handing out pamphlets about atheism. They don’t seem to be causing trouble, so we don’t do anything about it. As the day drags on, we start to get complaints: apparently they’ve changed tack and are starting to harass with anti-religious taunts. I approach them with my friend.)

Woman: *thrusting a pamphlet at me as I approach* “Coming out is better than going in! Break out of the delusion!”

Me: “Uh, thanks. Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but do you mind tuning it down a notch? You’re upsetting some of the parishioners.”

Man: “Ha! Typical. The vicar can’t do the job himself, so he sends a couple of brainwashed children to do it for him! Wake up and smell the lie!”

Friend: *gesturing to me*“Okay, first off she is agnostic.”

Man: “A cowardly atheist! Why the f*** are you here serving these fools? You’re only a Wikipedia page away from enlightenment!”

Me: *getting slightly irritated* “I’d rather keep studying at university, and help as many people as possible rather than holding to a belief I can’t prove. As I said though, I respect what you’re trying to do, but you’re not going to convert anyone by attacking them,”

Woman: “How dare you?! Atheism is a fact!”

(Eventually, my father arrives from his lecture, dressed in a long windbreaker. He’s forgotten to take his reading glasses off, so he still looks quite scholarly. The young man spots him as he approaches us.)

Man: “Hey, sir! You look way too smart to be here. What do you do?”

My Father: *slightly taken aback* “Dean of Physics at the university.”

Man: “Finally, an intelligent human being! Can you please tell these idiots the truth about their ‘Sky Fairy’?”

My Father: “Oh, of course!”

(He takes a step forward, then shudders, clutching at his head and turning bright purple. It’s realistic enough that everyone involved starts to panic, thinking he’s having a fit.)

My Father: “No… impossible! Reason… failing… logic… melting away! Delusions too powerful to resist! Must…convert!”

(With a dramatic gesture, he tears off his windbreaker, revealing his full vicar’s uniform, dog collar and all, beneath. The young man and woman look horrified, and begin to storm away.)

My Father: “God bless!”

Man: “F*** you!”