Police Work Is Child’s Play

(I am 26 years old. I am 5-feet 1-inches, and my boyfriend, who is also the same age, is just under 6-feet. We stop off on a road trip to our hotel, and I decide to go into a bakery. I have no makeup or formal clothes on, just jeans and a sparkly top.)

Me: “Can I have three gingerbread men, please?”

Cashier: “Sure. $3.”

(I have them in a plastic bag, and my boyfriend comes in.)

Boyfriend: “Finished, sweetie?”

(I smile, and he leans down and kisses me. We leave but I hardly notice the cashier on the phone. When I am at the hotel, and we are checking in, a police car draws up outside.)

Boyfriend: “Has anything happened?”

Receptionist: “No, not that I know of.”

Officer #1: *entering, going to my boyfriend* “Sir, is your license plate [license plate]?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah. What’s going on?”

Officer #1: “Were you at [Bakery] at 4:50 pm today?”

Me: “Yeah, we were.”

Officer #2: *to me* “Could you give me your name?”

Me: “It’s [My Name].”

Officer #1: *to my boyfriend* “Could you come down to the station, please?”

(We are very confused, and I ask why. The officer then takes me into a bathroom the manager offers him. Inside, he kneels down in front of me and looks serious.)

Officer #2: “Now, Mr. [Boyfriend] has gone to the station. We need your name, address, and parents’ telephone number, sweetie. Everything’s gonna be fine now.”

Me: “Has something happened to my parents?”

Officer #2: “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay now. Now, where did you meet [Boyfriend]?”

Me: “Two and a half years ago at my brother’s college.”

Officer #2: “And where are you from?”

(I give my address, name, and telephone number.)

Me: “Can you please tell me—”

Officer #2: “Do your parents know you’re with Mr. [Boyfriend]?”

Me: “Yes. Look, just tell me: has something happened to them?”

Officer #2: “Not that I know of.”

(Officer #2 goes to Officer #1 at the door.)

Officer #2: “She keeps asking about her parents. Apparently they know she’s with him. I don’t know if they have any idea.”

(Officer #2 comes back in to talk to me.)

Officer #2: “Now sweetie, we need to go to the station and a nice doctor will check you up. No need to be frightened. And we need your DNA. It’s going to be fine.”

Me: “Why are you talking to me like I’m a child?”

Officer #2: *surprised* “Because you are one?”

Me: “I’m 26!”

Officer #2: “Really?”

Me: “Yes! Listen, my passport is at my home. You can check it out! I promise my boyfriend hasn’t kidnapped me or raped me or whatever you think is going on, but I am NOT a child!”

(It turns out the cashier called the local police saying a man in his late 20s had kissed a girl between 11 and 14 and drove off with her. The police get my passport from home, as well as my driver’s license and car purchase papers confirming I am 26. After 40 hours since we stopped at the bakery, they let my boyfriend go from prison and drop all charges.)

Officer #1: “We are so sorry for that! It’s just we had a call about a kidnapper or pedophile in town, so we had to do what we needed, and we had to check if anything was wrong.”

Boyfriend: “I understand, officer.”

Officer #1: “Although, I have to say, she does look rather young.”

(I began wearing suits after that.)