(I work in a department that deals with mail theft, identity theft, etc.)

Customer: “This cost me $1000!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear it hasn’t arrived yet.”

Customer: “They stole it! They knew it was the ‘pleasurable things’!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “D*** them! They stole the ‘pleasurable things’ to go in my special lady parts! I want you to tell the inspectors that!”

Me: “I’ve put that in the notes.”

Customer: “Read it back to me!”

Me: *reading my notes* “She has not received a package of personal items valued at $1000.”

Customer: “That’s not right! You didn’t put in the bit about my special lady parts!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I was just summ—”

Customer: “Tell them they stole the ‘pleasurable stuff’ for my special lady parts!”

Me: “Okay, it now reads, ‘She has not received $1000 of pleasurable stuff for her special lady parts. She suspects that the postal workers were the thieves.’”

Customer: “GOOD!”