Getting Her Knickers In A Twist

(I am in a long distance relationship with a woman who has a very low sex drive, and is rarely ever openly sexual. She has received a coupon to a large chain that specializes in underwear. She has spent the previous month hinting, and then flat-out saying that I will get to pick out what she uses it on, referring to it as my ‘early Christmas present’. The day we go, I spent the time playing pack mule through the mall before we arrive at the underwear store.)

Me: “How about these? They look pretty good to me, and they would look even better on you!”

Girlfriend: *very curtly* “No! Not those, find something else!”

(This process repeats until she lays out two pairs of ‘granny panties’ that I can pick.)

Me: “Well, not quite the selection I thought I had, but the blue ones I guess.”

Girlfriend: “Ugh! I knew you would try to pick something skimpy; you are such a perv!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But when you said we were lingerie shopping for my ‘early Christmas present’, I thought you were being flirty.”

Girlfriend: “Men can be such pigs! Ever since we started dating, all you ever wanted to do is have sex!”

Me: “I’m going to stop you there. We’ve been dating two years now. We have never even come CLOSE to having sex. You said you wanted to wait till you were married, and I’m fine with that. I have NEVER said anything to pressure you. I am not, however, fine with being insulted and called a perv every time I so much as acknowledge that sex is a thing.”

Girlfriend: “You are just such a pig!”

(She then storms out of the store with the underwear in hand, and is arrested for shoplifting. Six-months later I hear that she is pregnant, and unsure as to who the father is.)