Pepperoni Paranoia

(I had two deliveries in the same area, and I had the two orders in one bag. I get to the first house, take the pizza out of the bag and go to the door.)

Me: “Hi, that will be $28.27.”

Customer: “What is this? Where’s my bag?!”

Me: “What do you mean? What bag?”

Customer: “My security bag!”

Me: “You mean heat-wave bag?”

Customer: “NO! MY SECURITY F*****G BAG!”

Me: “You know, it’s a heat bag to keep the pizza warm, and it’s held with velcro.”

Customer: “ARE YOU F*****G STUPID?! I WANT MY SECURITY FACTOR! HOW DO I KNOW YOU DIDN’T PUT ACID IN MY BAG AND TRY TO KILL ME?!”

Me: “Well… here is your pizza.” *collects money* “You may call the store with any complaints.”

(Later she called the store and told the manager she couldn’t put it in her garbage because there might be acid in it.)