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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Warning: IQ May Be Inversely Proportional To Wavelength

    | Milan, Italy |

    Guest: “Do you have a macrowave?”

    Me: “You mean a microwave? It’s at the–”

    Guest: “I don’t like your microwave. I need a macrowave.”

    Me: “There’s no such thing as a macrowave.”

    Guest: “Well, your microwave isn’t heating my food fast enough. I want a macrowave instead!”

    Me: “Sorry, but it’s a standard microwave. Perhaps you can check if you have it on a low setting?”

    Guest: “What?”

    Me: “There’s should a dial going from from low to high under the timer dial.”

    Guest: “It’s on low.”

    Me: “Change it to high.”

    Guest: “So, it’s macrowaves now?”

    Me: “No, but your food will now heat faster.”

    Guest: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes. Ring us again if there’s a problem.”

    My Tin Foil Hat Must Be Broken

    | Danville, VA, USA |

    (I am helping a woman out with her cellphone. The internet isn’t working properly.)

    Me: “I see the problem. Data wasn’t enabled in the settings.”

    Customer: “Oh, so it wasn’t Al Qaeda stealing my signal?”

    Me: “Haha, no, ma’am.”

    Customer: “They’re everywhere, you know!”

    That’s A Wrap On The Rap

    | Norway | Top

    (I am a receptionist at a local gym. We use radio instead of CDs–normally hip-hop/pop music radio channels. An elderly gentleman, probably in his 80s, walks up to the reception with a kind smile. He is the only member working out at this early hour.)

    Customer: “Young man, do you mind changing the radio channel?”

    Me: “No, of course not. What kind of music would you like to listen to?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t really care. I’m just tired of being told to f*** my deceased mother.”

    May Cause Belief In Humanity To Melt Away

    , | Wigan, England, UK |

    Customer: “I’d like to order a large whopper meal with a Coke, please.”

    Me: “Certainly.”

    (After serving the customer, she goes to sit outside on a rather warm, summer afternoon. Ten minutes pass, and she comes back inside looking rather annoyed.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I’d like a replacement drink.”

    Me: “May I enquire as to why, madam?”

    Customer: “The ice in this one has melted!”

    Don’t Bow Down To Your Desires

    | Little Rock, AR, USA |

    (A coworker of mine brings in a pin to put on my shirt that says, “Talk dirty to me”. The boss is okay with it, and we have a lot of cool regulars that come in.)

    Me: “I love your bow-tie! You never see anyone wear them nowadays!”

    Customer: *noticing my pin* “You wanna touch it?”

    Me: *nervous laughter*


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