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    Press One For Faster Service

    , | CA, USA |

    (I am taking orders on a headset while also taking money at the window. A customer drives up to my speaker.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “No hablo inglés!”

    Me: “Un momento…”

    (I take the money from the customer at the window, planning to get a Spanish speaking manager as soon as I can. After a few minutes…)

    Customer: “Okay, fine! I speak English!”

    Blocks UV-A, UV-B, And Omega-3

    | Toronto, Ontario, Canada |

    (I am standing at the cash registers when a customer approaches me with two bottles of sunscreen.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, could you tell me the difference between these two?”

    (I explain to her they are different brands, different prices, and of different SPF.)

    Customer: “Oh, okay. But is one of them fat free?”

    Readin’, Ritin’, And Retrievin’

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “Good morning, you have reached [high school]. How can I help you?”

    Parent: “My son left his cell phone at the convenience store three blocks over. Can you go get it?”

    A Dogged Request

    | Oregon, USA |

    (My boss, the groomer, does a thing called “stripping”, which is basically plucking the hairs off the body of a wiry-haired dog with a special brush. My coworker answers the phone and I’m right there listening to the conversation. It’s a man who owns an Irish Terrier.)

    Customer: “Hello, I’d like to speak to your stripper!”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I need to make an appointment with your stripper!”

    Coworker: “Um, do you mean our groomer?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what you’re saying. I need the stripper to strip my Irish dog!”

    Coworker: “All right. I’m just gonna put you on hold so I can put the…stripper…on the line.”

    Getting Shorted

    | Miami, FL, USA | Top

    (At our store, we sell individual tea bags for fifty cents each. Free hot tap water and a foam cup come with each bag sold. One customer, a man in his thirties, has been coming in and buying a single bag of tea every Sunday for two years, but he never takes the water or the cup.)

    Customer: “I’d like a refund of $50 please.”

    Me: “We don’t sell anything that expensive.”

    Customer: “Well, I bought 100 of those herbal mixes and they haven’t done a d*** thing.”

    Me: “You mean the tea you buy every week?”

    Customer: “No, the herbal mixes in the little yellow packets.”

    Me: “Yes, that’s tea.”

    Customer: “You mean it won’t make my man parts larger?”

    Me: “No, it’s a beverage.”

    Customer: “Oh. Never mind, then.”

    (He leaves, disappointed. I never saw him again.)


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