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    Indecent Disbursal

    , | Georgia, USA | Language & Words

    (I am a supervisor for a cell phone support center. I am plugging into my representative’s desk to grade one of their calls when I hear the following exchange.)

    Customer: “So, put me on that plan then.”

    Rep: “All right. I just need to go over some legal info with you.”

    Customer: “Are you going to procreate me?”

    Rep: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, procreate me and I get some money back.”

    (The rep is clearly confused, so I chime in.)

    Me: “I think she means ‘prorate.’”

    Rep: “Oh! Did you mean ‘prorate?’”

    Customer: “Yeah! Procreate and get money back!”

    Rep: “Yes. We can…prorate…your account.”

    Nocturnal Provisions

    | Australia | Rude & Risque

    (I work at an all-night internet cafe. We get a few customers come in late at night to watch adult movies. One night, I get a phone call along these lines.)

    Caller: “Hi, do you have webcams I can use?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Caller: “What about tissues?”

    Me: “Sorry, what was that?”

    Caller: *muffled laughter* “Tissues. Do you guys have tissues?”

    Me: *catching on* “Yes, sir…but you have to bring your own Vaseline.”

    I Also Want Your Love And Your Revenge

    | Gold Coast, Australia | Food & Drink

    (Our bakery is situated in a large outlet mall which attracts a lot of tourists. Our chocolate croissants are labeled as “pain au choc.”)

    Me: “Hi there! Can I get you anything?”

    Customer: “Hello, can I have one choc?”

    Me: “We have a few chocolate things. What’s the full name?”

    Customer: “I want…your pain.”

    Detox, Retox

    | New Jersey, USA | Health & Body

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pest control] this is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just got medicated on Thursday and I am not due in again until next week. However, I have to work the day I am supposed to come in. Can I come in and get medicated today? I know you are closing soon I can get over there soon.”

    Me: “Um, I think you have the wrong number.”

    Customer: “Oh, this isn’t the methadone clinic?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, this is a pest control company.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *hangs up*

    The Truth Is Waaay Out There

    | Southern Missouri, USA | Bizarre

    Customer: “Do you know who wrote Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?”

    Me: “Oh yeah…it was the same guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I can show you where it is.”

    Customer: “When I first heard about this book, I was shocked! I had to sit there for a minute and see if I remembered any of my teachers mentioning that Lincoln killed vampires.”

    (I decide to remain silent while she continues.)

    Customer: “You know, the government tries to keep things like this from us. You can tell, because they never mention any of the supernatural things that happen in the news. You know…all those true exorcism and demon movies!”

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