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    Not The Breast Of Days

    | Illinois, USA | Health & Body

    (It’s 4 am, and a customer enters the store and approaches me. By the smell of his breath, he has clearly been drinking.)

    Customer: “Do you know where I could find needle and thread?”

    Me: “That would be in the crafts department. Would you like me to show you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, thanks.”

    (As we start to walk toward the craft department, which is in the back of the store, his phone rings. He picks up and has a short conversation to which I didn’t pay much attention. I only heard him say, “I guess I’ll have to sew it back on.”)

    Customer: *hangs up* “It’s been a bad night.”

    Me: “You too, huh?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I got my nipple torn off.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I got drunk, got in a fight, and my nipple got torn halfway off.”

    (He pulls his shirt to the side to show me his nipple barely hanging on.)

    Customer: “My friends said to go to the hospital, but I don’t have insurance, so I’m just gonna have to sew it back on myself.”

    Cashier By Day, Consort By Night

    | NC, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, are you all sold out of condoms?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we’ve been out of condoms for a week. I’m sorry, but you’ll probably have to go to a [pharmacy] to find some.”

    Customer: “Can I have one from your personal stash?”

    Me: “My personal stash?”

    Customer: “Yeah, from your purse.”

    Me: “Sir, I think you have mistaken me with a different profession!”

    Yo Hablo Deutschpañol

    | Bergen, Norway |

    (A customer comes up to the counter.)

    Customer: “Where did you learn to speak English so well?”

    Me: “From school, I guess? And from watching movies and reading books–”

    Customer: “That’s good! I had Spanish in high school, and all I remember is ‘Auf wiedersehen’!”

    Through Joy And Sorrow, Sickness And Health Insurance

    | Madison, WI, USA |

    (I work for a call center for the state’s health insurance.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

    Member: “Hi, I’m calling to make sure my husband’s heath insurance is active.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have his ID number or social?”

    Member: “Well, no. I’m not sure where his card is and I don’t know his social by heart.”

    Me: “Well, is he there with you? I could get it from him.”

    Member: “He is, but he can’t really talk right now. He’s having a heart attack.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to call 911 right now, not us.”

    Member: “I will. I just want to make sure he’ll be covered when they take him to the hospital!”

    This Cheese Tastes Slippery

    | Jenks, OK, USA | Top

    (I work as the HR manager at a grocery store. We often have various specialty items on display near the registers. One day, an angry customer storms in and confronts me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! Your cheese samples made me very sick!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that ma’am, but I was unaware that we had cheese samples in the store today.”

    Customer: “You sure do! I took a sample and my mouth was foaming before I even left the store!”

    Me: “Do you mind showing me where you found the cheese sample?”

    (The customer leads me to a table filled with samples.)

    Customer: “It was these! See, a whole table filled with them. They’re not even being attended by anyone! They’re all rotten. I demand compensation!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the reason you got sick is because these are not cheese. These are bars of soap.”

    (The customer stares at wide-eyed at the table: it’s filled with unwrapped bars of specialty bath soaps which are clearly labeled as “Organic Soaps”. Realizing her mistake, she covers her mouth with her hand and runs out of the store.)


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