The Absence Of The Lambs

| Dunedin, New Zealand | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

Customer: “Do you have any mutton pies?”

Me: “No, sorry we don’t.”

Customer: “I’ll have one of your mutton pies, thanks.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have any mutton pies.”

Customer: “Are your mutton pies done in the Scotch style?”

Me: “No… because we don’t have any.”

Customer: “Can I grab two of the mutton pies, then?”

Me: “No, because we haven’t got any. I don’t even think we have any lamb pies either, for that matter.”

Customer: “Well, can I get a lamb pie, then?”

Me: “I’ll check if we have any, but I don’t think we do. Hey Shaun! We got any lamb?”

Shaun: “No! Don’t have any!”

Me: “Steve, we got any—”

Steve: “NO!”

Me: “Seems we don’t have any lamb, sorry.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Shaun and Steve: *at the same time* “YES!”

Customer: “Oh, well… can I grab a couple of mutton pies, then?”

Me: “No. Because we don’t have any. And we don’t have any lamb either. No lamb or mutton pies.”

Customer: “What do you have then?”

Me: “Well we have mince.”

Customer: “I’ll take a venison pie, thanks.”

Me: “Here’s your pie. Have a nice day.”

(After the customer leaves, the next customer, who has been there through the entire conversation, steps up.)

Next Customer: “What an idiot, aye?”

Me: “Well, it takes all sorts. So, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Can I grab a lamb pie, thanks?”

It All Ends Swimmingly

| USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words

(I teach swim lessons to kids, aged 4-12. Many of the children have lisps or other slight speech impediments, and this particular child is very rambunctious and is pushing himself off the wall of the pool and moving quickly through the water.)

Child: “I pee’d you!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Child: “I PEE’D YOU!”

Me: *fearing the worst* “What do you mean by you ‘pee’d’ me?”

Child: “Look, I’ll do it again!”

(He pushes off the wall and moves quickly through the water again.)

Me: “Oh, you mean you torpedoed me!”

Child: “Yeah! What did you think I meant?”

Ink And You’ll Miss It

| Gainesville, FL, USA | Rude & Risque, School

(Our university has been around for a while. As such our mascot, Albert, has changed a bit over the years. I overhear an amusing conversation at a register next to me, the Sunday after a big win. Customer #1 is buying a shirt with the old-style Albert on it.)

Customer #2: “Man! The old style Albert is so lame looking!”

Customer #1: “Dude, what about the one on your butt?!”

Customer #2: “Oh, yeah!”

Coworker: *laughing* “Yeah, right.”

Customer #2: “Nope!”

(Customer #2 pulls down his pants just a bit, but at this time I can’t see it.)

Coworker: “I thought you were joking!”

(Customer #2 laughs and moves over to my register, as I’m now free.)

Coworker: “Wait, can I see that tattoo again?”

Customer #2: “Sure!”

(He pulls his pants down a bit again, and this time I can see the ‘old style’ Albert indeed tattooed on his butt.)

Customer #2: “Yeah, never get a tattoo while drunk.”

Less Is More, More Or Less, Part 4

| Baltimore, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

(I work in a large office supplies store that gives customers rewards coupons that act as a certain cash amount that can be spent on anything. We often send out separate coupons that expire on a Saturday, as that is when our sales change. This happens as I am working as a cashier on a closing shift on Saturday.)

Me: “Hi, did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Yeah, I think this is all I need.”

(He hands me his rewards coupons, along with another coupon for $5 off a $25 purchase.)

Me: “Oh, it looks like you’re not quite at $25, with only $17 worth of stuff. But your rewards coupons would take you down to around $3, so you’re fine!”

Customer: “What? But I really wanted to use this $5 coupon. It expires today!”

Me: “Well, you don’t have to use it, but I guess it’s up to you if you want to spend more money.”

(The customer picks up all his things with a huff and walks away to look for more things. He returns almost 20 minutes later with many more things; one of the items alone is $40.)

Me: “So, I guess you found more stuff?”

Customer: “Yeah, this is how you get us to spend more money, huh? You give us these coupons that expire to force us to buy more at a time!”

(Even with his coupons the guy spent around $30, ten times more than he would have spent originally!)

Related:
Less Is More, More Or Less, Part 3

Read Our Other 2012 Stories Of The Year!

Not Always Right | Announcements, Roundups

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