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    Silence Is Holy

    | Florida, USA | Religion

    (I’m a volunteer usher at smaller church. This takes place before mass and there is a man praying in one of the pews. A woman is at the back of the church talking loudly in an outdoor voice.)

    Me: “Ma’am, could you please keep your voice down or talk outside?”

    Woman: “Why, I never! I am a member of this church! You have no right to speak to me this way!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you are being too loud. There are people trying to pray.”

    Woman: “Who prays before church starts!?”

    (The pastor, hearing our conversation, walks over.)

    Pastor: “Good Catholics do. Now, please go outside.”

    Woman: “And who do you think you are?”

    Pastor: “The pastor.”

    Woman: *leaves in a huff*

    Placebo Me, Part 5

    | Boonville, MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work as a cocktail waitress and this happenes to be on a rather busy night. The customer has only taken one sip of their beer before handing it back to me.)

    Customer: “This beer is hot! Go get me one that’s cold. I can’t believe you are serving warm beer!”

    Me: “Sir, that beer has been on ice for an hour or two. It still has ice crystals on it. Are you sure it’s warm?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you think I’m lying!”

    (I apologize and take the beer back to the bar and refill my tray, never switching out said beer because it’s ice cold. I return to the customer and give him the same beer back.)

    Me: “Here you go! Sorry about that. I hope this one is colder.”

    (The customer takes the drink and tries it.)

    Customer: “This is much better! I hope you don’t have any more of those other beers back there. You should put all those in the back of the cooler!”

    Related:
    Placebo Me, Part 4
    Placebo Me, Part 3
    Placebo Me, Part 2
    Placebo Me

    Function Begets Purpose

    | Copaigue, NY, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am ringing up a couple of younger woman when one shows me an item.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Do you know if this blends?” *holds up blender*

    The Answer To Life, The Universe, And Everything

    | Arizona, USA | Bizarre, Geeks Rule

    (We greet customers as they come in and answer questions they may have. A man comes in with his wife and comes over to me.)

    Me: “Did you have a question, sir?”

    Customer: “So what have you heard about woodchucks?”

    (I’m completely confused, so I try to just play along.)

    Me: “I hear they chuck wood.”

    (The customer begins to scowl at me, actually looking offended and disgusted with my answer. He then asks me a few questions about some of our products before heading off to shop.)

    Customer: *cryptically* “And you keep thinking about those woodchucks…”

    (He returns later and I am the cashier to take care of him. He brings up the woodchuck thing again as he’s about to leave.)

    Customer: “I’ve only had one person, this old man—a veteran—answer me correctly. He told me…42.”

    The Kitchen Chainsaw Massacre

    | Toronto, Canada | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Oftentimes, customers want free advice on the phone on what to do in order to save on getting an estimate or a inspection.)

    Caller: “I need advice on something. Let’s say I have a big wall dividing the kitchen and the dinning room, but I want to open it up so I have a big room. Can I do that?”

    Me: “Well, probably, but there might be complications. For example, if you have a load bearing wall, we’d need to set it up so that the load is distributed differently. Not to mention, there are pipes and wires you need to worry about. Really, we’d need to send someone out to look it over, sir. It’s not really something we can tell you over the phone without seeing it first.”

    Caller: “No, no. I got what I needed.”

    Me: “Uh, okay.”

    (He then hangs up. One week later, he calls back.)

    Caller: “I’m going to sue you. I’m going to sue the living heck out of your business. You ruined my life.”

    Me: “What? What’s going on? Who is this?”

    Caller: “I called for advice. You said I could remove my wall in between my kitchen and dinning room. Well, I did. I cut it out with my chainsaw and everything was fine until my ceiling caved in. And you know what’s above my kitchen? The upstairs bath room. The bathtub fell through and I had to turn off the water because it damaged my pipes. Now, who’s gonna pay for that?”

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