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    Jacket Of All Trades

    | State College, PA, USA | Hotels & Lodging

    (For a small period of time during training for a new job, I worked 2nd shift at a chain hotel, then immediately worked 3rd shift at my new job at a four-star hotel. A guest returns to my desk a few minutes after checking in at the chain hotel.)

    Guest: “This hotel is not acceptable! My room looks nothing like I saw on the website! There’s no way I’m staying here!”

    Me: “I’m sorry we don’t meet your standards, ma’am. I would be glad to check you out at no fee.”

    Guest: “Good! I’m going to find a place to stay that’s actually acceptable!”

    (She storms off. Later that evening, I go to my 3rd shift job. All I need to do is put on a suit jacket over the shirt and tie I have on for the 1st job. Skip ahead to about 6:30 AM the next morning. The same guest approaches me at the front desk of the four-star hotel.)

    Guest: *without recognizing me* “Checking out.”

    Me: “You made the right choice, ma’am.”

    Guest: “Excuse me?”

    (I open my suit jacket a bit to show her the name tag I still have on underneath, from the first hotel, clearly displaying its logo.)

    Me: “I hope everything was better for you here instead, ma’am. I prefer it more, too.”

    Guest: *clearly embarrassed* “Oh, yeah, it was. Thanks.”

    Letting Loose

    , | Texas, USA | Health & Body

    Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Not too good. My bowel movements are very loose.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Eau de Toilet

    , | Eau Claire, WI, USA | At The Checkout

    (I am ringing up a customer. While she is waiting for me to finish, I suggest that she tries our fragrances.)

    Customer: *sprays fragrance* “This stuff smells like a toilet.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer’s friend: *laughs hysterically*

    Customer: “It’s not a bad thing, though. It smells like a clean toilet.”

    The Lonely Star State

    | Spartanburg, SC, USA | Geography

    (I’m in the middle of explaining insurance coverages to a customer when I get to her roadside service information.)

    Me: “…and you also have on here a 24/7 nationwide roadside service that will take care of your towing and any locksmith charges.”

    Customer: “What is that?”

    Me: “What part, ma’am?”

    Customer: “24/7?”

    Me: “Oh, that means 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

    Customer: “Oh, and what does nationwide mean?”

    Me: “That means all over the US, in any state.”

    Customer: “Does that include Texas?”

    Me: “Yes, Texas is part of the United States.”

    The Adults Are Naughty, The Kids Are Nice

    | Nobelsville, IN, USA | Holidays

    (Over the holidays, I work as a Santa that little kids can take pictures with. One particularly large family cames through with just one little girl. She comes to me and we take a picture. While the rest of the family is looking at the previews for the picture, I’m talking to the child.)

    Me: “And what would you like for Christmas this year?”

    Girl: *goes through a few things*

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Girl: “Crabs.”

    (I pause for a moment and look up at the family with widened eyes.)

    Me: “Did I hear her right?”

    Family member: “What did she say?”

    Girl: “I want crabs.”

    (The entire family bursts out laughing at this point. One of the family members holds off laughing just long enough to describe to me a toy crab that the girl’s been asking for.)

    Me: “Oh, whew! I didn’t know what to think!”

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