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  • There’s A Nut, But It’s Not In The Food

    | Leeds, UK | Food & Drink

    (We’re serving a table of 30. In each set of dishes, there’s one labelled “no nuts”. The first starter labelled no nuts is a prawn cocktail, so I don’t bother specifying one as no nuts.)

    Patron: “I ordered my prawn cocktail with no nuts. Are you sure there’s no nuts in this?”

    Me: “Positive, madam. The prawn cocktail is made without any nuts at all.”

    Patron: “I don’t believe you. Go and get it remade, and make sure there’s no nuts in it!”

    (I walk back into the kitchen and go to the chef.)

    Chef: “Is something wrong with that one?”

    Me: “No, she just wants one that doesn’t have any nuts in.”

    Chef: “But there’s no nuts in the Prawn Cocktail anyway.”

    (Not wanting to waste a perfectly good dish, I take the same cocktail back out to the customer, albeit with some extra cayenne sprinkled on top to differentiate it. Not surprisingly, she’s delighted.)

    We Will We Will Praise You

    | Ohio, USA | Family & Kids, Religion

    (I volunteer at a daycare. The daycare is very Christian, so we have a Christian radio station playing at all time. A song the teacher likes comes on. Note that it is a very slow “Praise the Lord and His angels”-type song.)

    Teacher: “I like this song!”

    Little girl #1: “Me too! Mommy has it on all the time!”

    Teacher: “What about you, [Little girl #2]? Do you know this song?”

    Little Girl #2: “No, but I know ‘We Will Rock You.’”

    Teacher: “Um—”

    Me: “Close enough.”

    Ready, Aim, Equality

    | Texas, USA | Bigotry, Top

    (Note: I work in the firearms department and am female.)

    Me: “Hi! Thank you for call—”

    Male Caller: “I told them to get me firearms, d*** it!”

    Me: “This is the firearms department. How may I—”

    Male Caller: “FIREARMS. FI-URRR-A-HARMS! Ain’t no women in guns. Mens the
    only ones who can know anything ’bout my situation!”

    (Unfortunately, I have become used to this and hand the phone to a nearby male coworker.)

    Coworker: “Yes, sir…uh huh…well, sir for that situation you would have to talk to our ATF compliance associate. Okay…I won’t put you on hold…they are standing right here.”

    (My coworker hands the phone back to me.)

    Me: “Hi, ATF Compliance!”

    Male Caller: *click*

    All You Need Is Love, Part 2

    | Michigan, USA | Awesome Customers

    (This is at the end of the conversation after explaining charges to a customer.)

    Customer: “Have I told you today that I love you?”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry…what?”

    Customer: “Have I told you today that I love you?”

    Me: “Oh, you just did.”

    Customer: “I love you!”

    Me: “Thank you? And thank you for calling [utility company]. Have a great day!”

    Related:
    All You Need Is Love

    Please Put Your Brain Back In The Driver’s Seat

    | Michigan, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I’m a receptionist in the service area of a car dealership. I am calling a customer to let him know his vehicle is ready for pickup.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! Just calling to let you know that your vehicle is all set.”

    Customer: “And do you come with the car? You sound like a pretty little thing.”

    Me: “Um, well, we’re open until 6 tonight, so if you want to come in and get your truck before then, that would be great.”

    Customer: “I’m a dirty old man.”

    Me: “Okay, then. Have a good day.” *hangs up*

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