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    Exorcisms Not Included, Part 2

    | Illinois, USA |

    (We have candy canes leftover from a holiday event sitting on a shelf above my register. A woman has just left her seven or eight year old daughter guarding a second load of purchases while she puts the rest in the car. The daughter is clutching a care-worn doll.)

    Girl: *very politely* “Excuse me, I noticed you seem to have a bowl of candy canes up there. May I have one?”

    Me: “Sure, as long as your mother says it’s alright.”

    Girl: “Well then, I guess you will have to ask her, or I will have to ask, or…” *lowers her voice* “…the doll’s soul will have to ask.”

    Me: “You know what? I can ask her. Yeah. I can totally ask her.”

    Exorcisms Not Included

    From Boob Tube To Boob Tubes

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    (In 1994, I worked at one of the first ISPs in the world. Customers have heard a lot about the internet, but in the days before Google, they sometimes had a hard time finding exactly what they wanted.)

    Female coworker: “Hey, I have a guy on line 1 who is asking to talk to a male.”

    Me: “What? That’s insane. What does he want?”

    Female coworker: “I have no idea, but he’s really insistent on talking to a guy.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take it.” *picks up phone* “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I…uh…have a question and, um…I wanted to talk to another guy about it, if ya know…”

    Me: “What is your question, sir?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m on the Internet and I’m looking for something. I can’t find it.”

    Me: “I understand. What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “Uh…well…where the h*** are the boobies?”

    It Must Have Been A New Moon, Part 2

    | Bainbridge Island, WA, USA |

    (I am a patron at the library on my day off to meet up with a friend. Another patron wearing a ‘Team Edward’ shirt approaches my coworker, who is fixing the name tag on her ‘Save the Wolves’ t-shirt that she’s wearing for the library’s animal week.)

    Patron: “You should be ashamed of yourself! You are supporting those hairy monsters!”

    Librarian: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What’s the problem?”

    Patron: “You shouldn’t be supporting the werewolves! Bella loves Edward, not some hairy dog!”

    Librarian: “No, this shirt is supporting the local wolf refuge. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

    (The patron starts screaming obscenities and raving, which is beginning to disturb other patrons. I decide to intervene at this point since I’m still waiting for my friend. Note that I am a well built girl that stands at about 5′ 9″ and am wearing my animal eye contacts for the party.)

    Me: “Pardon me ma’am, but what seems to be the problem here?”

    (The patron turns around, looks up at me, and goes white.)

    Patron: “Y-you’re one of them aren’t you?”

    Me: “Please leave my friend here alone and go about your business.”

    Patron: *runs out the door yelling* “See if I come back here with you employing her kind!”

    It Must Have Been A New Moon

    Hard On Yourself During Hard Times

    | Rhode Island, USA |

    Me: “Sir, is there a reason you write five checks to yourself every month?”

    Customer: “It’s to make the five transactions each month so I avoid your maintenance fee. It’s a hassle.”

    Me: “I see. Well, you could also just use your debit card at stores five times a month or make ATM withdrawals instead of writing the checks. Those all count as well.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “My debit card doesn’t work.”

    Me: “I can look at it for you.”

    Customer: “No, it works. It just doesn’t work the way everyone else’s does.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “My debit card only works at Gulf gas stations and nowhere else.”

    Me: “Umm…”

    Customer: “My card isn’t like anyone else’s. My card is different.”

    Me: “Sir, your card should work anywhere you present it. Why do you think it’s not the same?”

    Customer: “Because I’m a deadbeat loser on unemployment and can’t find a godd*** job!”

    Feel-up On Aisle 5

    | South Paris, ME, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I am dusting and organizing a shelf when someone comes up and punches me in the back really hard, twice. So hard, in fact, that the wind is knocked out of me. I turn around and there’s a man I’ve never seen before.)

    Customer: “Oops…sorry! Thought you were someone else!” *walks off*

    (My coworker runs over to me to see what’s going on.)

    Coworker: “Did he just hit you? What was that about?”

    Me: “Yeah…he said he thought I was someone else.”

    Coworker: “Why don’t you go sit out back for a minute and maybe have some water? I’m going to go tell [manager] what happened!”

    (I go out back for a minute or two. Suddenly, I hear people yelling and come back in. I see the manager chasing the man who had hit me out of the store and yelling that he was calling the police.)

    Me: “What is going on?”

    Coworker: “Well, I was on my way to speak to [manager] when a customer stopped me. That guy came up behind me and squeezed my left boob! Then he said, ‘Oops…sorry! Thought you were someone else!’ and walked off. I ran up to [manager] and then [coworker #2] came running up and said the same guy had just grabbed him in the crotch and had said the same thing!”

    Me: “Wow! I guess I got off easy!”

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