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    | Natal, Brazil |

    (It’s July 1st, so I am running the system to send the bills to all clients, as usual. I get a caller sounding very stressed.)

    Caller: “Hi there. About the bill you just send us: the due date is July 30th, but we are willing to pay this already tomorrow. Could you please change the due date for me?”

    Me: “Good morning, sir. About the due date, there’s no problem to pay it tomorrow. You have 29 days left to pay it. Feel free to do it any time before the due date.”

    Caller: “Yes, but I don’t wanna pay any taxes over this due to delays. So, could you please change the due date for tomorrow instead?”

    Me: “Sir, you can easily proceed with the payment tomorrow with no further taxes. The reason why the due date is set as the last day in the month is so that you can pay it anytime you want. So, feel free to do it any day before day 30.”

    Caller: *raised voice* “Do you just not understand? Today, it’s day 1st and your stupid financial department has set a due date that has already passed! Your company hires the stupidest people!”

    Me: “Sir, could you please tell me what month is now?”

    Caller: *long pause* “Hmm…”

    Me: “You are aware that month number 07 is July, not June?”

    Caller: *click*

    Me: “Sir?”

    You’re Hot And Your Cold You’re Yes And You’re No

    | Indiana, USA |

    (A woman comes through our drive-thru and orders an iced mocha. This happens after I hand her the drink.)

    Customer: “Um…is this an iced mocha?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    (The customer purses her lips, stares at her drink, then hands it back to me.)

    Customer: “Well, this isn’t an iced mocha. It’s supposed to be hot.”

    Me: “Oh, so you wanted a regular hot mocha?”

    Customer: “No, I want a hot iced mocha.”

    Me: “Ok, so…you would like some ice in your hot mocha?”

    Customer: “No, I want a hot iced mocha!”

    Me: “Well, an iced mocha is usually cold and has ice in it…”

    (I trail off as the woman just stares at me as if I’m insane, so I try again to figure out what “iced” means.)

    Me: “Do you mean you’d like whipped cream on it?”

    Customer: *becoming irate* “No! I want a hot iced mocha! I always get a hot iced mocha! They make it for me all the time at the other [other coffee shop].”

    Me: “Okay, we’ll make that for you. ”

    (I close the window and ask my coworker to make a regular hot mocha and give it to the woman, while I dash to the back to laugh my head off. When I return, my coworker tells me that the woman is perfectly satisfied with her hot mocha. To this day, I’m still trying to figure out what she meant by “iced.”)

    The Pot Calling The Blizzard White

    | UK |

    (I work for an online store that sells mostly shoes, bags, and other accessories. This particular Christmas, the weather conditions in the UK are so bad that almost all deliveries are delayed by several days.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “My package still hasn’t arrived. I ordered it almost five days ago. This is an outrage!”

    Me: “I apologize. All orders are currently delayed due to adverse weather conditions.”

    Caller: “Are you telling me I paid 4.50 for shipping and you can’t even deliver them to me before the 25th? This is unbelievable!”

    Me: “I apologize for the delay. We will of course refund all shipping and handling costs.”

    Caller: “You don’t understand. I want my order now! It needs to be here before Christmas! My daughter asked for those shoes specifically.”

    Me: “Your order will most likely not arrive before Christmas, but I can have a look if these particular shoes are available in any stores near you.”

    Caller: “Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to get to the store? I’m snowed in!”

    Practice What You Preach (Please)

    | Massachusetts, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (I’m serving a mother and her two children.)

    Me: “Are you ready to order?”

    Mother: “Tell the lady what you would like.”

    Son: “I’ll have the chicken fingers.”

    Mother: “Say please!”

    Son: *sheepishly* “Please.”

    Mother: “And what would you like?”

    Daughter: “A hot dog!”

    Mother: “Say please!”

    Daughter: “Please.”

    Mother: “And I’ll have the fried clams.”

    (She never did say “please”.)

    Brakes Can Drive You Crazy

    | Austin, TX, USA | Extra Stupid

    (My manager is talking to a customer about what they need fixed on their car. I often eavesdrop so I can hear from a person’s own words what is wrong. It often helps me to diagnose the problem.)

    Customer: “The truck isn’t running right. It doesn’t have power and runs rough.”

    Me: “Well, when do you notice the problem?’

    Customer: “When I’m slowing down.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t have power when braking? ”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Do you mean the brakes don’t feel right?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “What about when you get back on the gas pedal? Does it go fine?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes it has plenty of power then.”

    Me: “So, when you are on the brakes and slowing down, the truck doesn’t have power, but when you get back on the throttle it has plenty of power?”

    Customer: “Exactly.”

    Me: *speechless*

    (We take the car in and run full diagnostics. I never found anything wrong with the truck. It ran like it was brand new and had very few miles on it.)


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