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  • A Quack Of All Trades

    | Springfield, MA, USA | Health & Body

    (I work at the information desk in a section of the hospital allocated for renting to private practices. It’s a pretty large building, so we get a lot of patients asking directions to a certain doctor’s office.)

    Patient: “I have an appointment at 2:00. Where do I go?”

    Me: “Well, this is a large building with a lot of doctors in it. Who did you need to see?”

    Patient: “I don’t know. Can’t you look it up? My name is [name].”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t have access to the doctors’ schedules. Do you remember what kind of doctor it was? General practitioner, cardiologist—”

    Patient: “I don’t remember.”

    Me: “What were you seeing the doctor for?”

    Patient: “My kidneys, I think…”

    (I start going through the list of doctors looking for nephrologists.)

    Me: “Does [nephrologist] sound familiar?”

    Patient: “I don’t remember! Just tell me where my appointment is!”

    Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*, Part 3

    | Maryland, USA | Top

    (I’m a waitress in a coffee shop/bakery/deli located in the middle of a small town. I walk into the dining room to see the minister from the church across the street, a police officer from the station down the block, and a lawyer from the courthouse next door sitting at the counter. I’m looking at this strange sight when my boss comes up behind me.)

    Boss: “So a priest, a cop, and a lawyer walk into a bar…”

    Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*, Part 2
    Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*

    Great State Of Confusion, Part 5

    | Missouri, USA | Geography

    Customer: “I need to know where you’re located. We want to visit the one in Quebec.”

    Me: “Okay, we actually don’t have any locations in Quebec. We do have Toronto which is in Ontario, and we have Calgary which is in Alberta.”

    Customer: “Um, I think it’s Tor—…no. I think it’s Calgary. That’s right.” *talks to someone in the background* “Wait, I guess it’s the one here in Denver!”

    The Great State Of Confusion, Part 4
    The Great State Of Confusion, Part 3
    Make Benefit Glorious Guestlogisticstan
    The Great State Of Confusion, Part 2
    The Great State Of Confusion
    The Great State Of Ignorance

    That’s (Not) One Smart Cookie

    , | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work at a university library and we sometimes get calls about our online databases not working. 90% of the time, it’s due to cookies not being enabled.)

    Me: “[Library], this is [name], how can I help you?”

    Patron: “Yeah, hi, I can’t get [database] to work.”

    Me: “All right, do you know if you have cookies enabled?”

    Patron: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, open the internet and click on—”

    (I proceed to walk her through enabling cookies. After each step, I wait for the confirming “okay” from her.)

    Me: “…and that’s it! Does the page work now?”

    Patron: “No.”

    Me: “Did you enable the cookies?”

    Patron: “No, but I did close the internet! It should work when I open it again, right?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We need to apply a setting.”

    (I proceed to explain the process a second time, this time asking if she completed the step after each one.)

    Me: “Okay, try to open the page again. Does it work?”

    Patron: “No.”

    Me: “Did you allow the cookies?”

    Patron: “No. I closed everything.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, please click—”

    Patron: “This is frustrating! It should work if I restart the internet. I need [database] for class. Why won’t it work?”

    Me: “As I’ve already said, you need to enable cookies.”

    (We go through this process a third time.)

    Patron: “I can’t do this. I need to speak to someone else. I don’t want to talk to you anymore!”

    Me: “All right, ma’am, the librarian is right here. I hope she can help. Have a nice day.”

    (I happily give the phone over to my boss, who at this point is giving me the “I will kill you for making me talk to this person” glare.)

    Starring Tom Booooohs

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (I am an assistant-manager at my movie theater and I am working at our customer service desk. Part of my job is to answer the phone and answer customer questions.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [theater]. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you tell me what the next showtime for Mission Impossible is?”

    Me: “7:30.”

    Customer: “Have you seen it yet?”

    Me: “No, sir, I haven’t.”

    Customer: “Well, do you know if it has real ghosts in it?”

    Me: “Ghosts, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, because it’s called Ghost Protocol.”

    Me: “Uh, no, sir. There are no ghosts in that movie.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you.” *hangs up*

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