November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Give Pizza A Chance

| Merseyside, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(A customer calls for a pizza delivery.)

Customer: “I want a large pizza with all the toppings.”

Me: “We’ve got over 30 different kind of toppings; which would you like?”

Customer: “All of them; I’m starving.”

Me: “A pizza with 30 toppings isn’t going to taste very nice.”

Customer: “I don’t care; I’m starving. I want all the toppings.”

Me: “One of the toppings is sliced banana; do you want that one?”

Customer: “Ugh! Banana? No, not on a pizza. Okay, leave that off.”

Me: “Do you like olives?”

Customer: “Er, no. None of them.”

Me: “Anchovies?”

Customer: “What are they?”

Me: “Small strips of dried, salted fish.”

Customer: “Ugh, no!”

(We repeat this for 25 more items.)

Me: “So, that’s a ham and mushroom on a thin crust, with you in 30 minutes.”

Customer: “Er, yeah. Thanks.”

Rise Above It

| OH, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I am a cashier at a buffet. I am very short and am standing next to another cashier over six feet. Our buffet guests have been standing in line for about two hours for a very popular weekend dinner. I invite the next two guests in line to come pay at my register.)

Guest: “Well, aren’t you lucky! You get to sit down while we had to stand in that line for over two hours.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Guest: “I said, you’re very lucky to get to sit down while we had to stand in that line for a very long time.”

(I glance at my co-worker, who is grinning widely at the comment.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sitting down. This is as tall as I get!”

(The guest turns bright red and starts apologizing. I can’t resist taking off my shoes, which shorten me by another two inches.)

Me: “Ma’am, without my shoes I’m only this tall.”

Guest: “Please! You’d better keep your shoes on!”

Terrified Of Baggage

| Pueblo, CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Customer: “I need help in choosing a vacuum cleaner.”

Me: “Okay, sure! Let me start by getting an idea of what kind of area you want it for. Do you have hardwood floors, carpets, or both? And do you have pets?”

Customer: “Well. I’ve already got one picked out, actually. I just have a question about it.”

(The customer leads me over to one of the floor models, a bag-less cyclone vacuum.)

Customer: “Does this vacuum need bags?”

Me: “Nope. It’s a bag-less cyclonic, meaning it collects what the vacuum sucks up into a reusable plastic bin.”

Customer: “Yes, but does it need bags?”

Me: “No, it doesn’t.”

Customer: “But can it take bags?”

Me: “No. It’s a bag-less. But if you want one with bags, this one over here can—”

Customer: “Look, all I want to know is if I need to buy bags for it or not! I don’t want to get this stupid thing home and realize it needs something else! Do I, or do I not, need to buy bags?”

Me: “Ma’am, this vacuum is a bag-less vacuum. It does not take bags, and couldn’t even if you wanted it to.”

Customer: “Well, can you show me where they are, at least?”

Me: “Where what are?”

(The customer points to the same bag-less cyclonic.)

Customer: “The bags for this vacuum.”

Me: *facepalm*

A Mini Point Makes A Large Difference

| Derby, England, UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

(Two customers have entered. Customer #1 points at me, and starts talking to his friend.)

Customer #1: “Jesus! Check out that Snooty-B**** on the till!”

Customer #2: “Dude, chill out! Have some respect!”

Customer #1: “She’s way too dumb for that! B**** needs to be put in her place!”

(The customer proceeds to harass me about my education, my appearance, and anything he can get to, before he eventually decides to order. I’ve been totally silent.)

Me: “Thank you for that. What can I get for you today?”

Customer #1: “Ha! I’ll get one of those large, mini fillets burgers; think you can manage that?”

Me: “A large mini fillet burger?”

Customer #1: “Um, duh?! I told you that you were thick as s***!”

Me: “A large mini fillet burger? So… a fillet burger, then?”

(Customer #1is speechless.)

Customer #2: “Yeah… you sure put her in her place.”

Instrumental In The Decision

| New York, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Musical Mayhem, Top

(A lot of the people around my area haven’t been coming to our local store, due to the competition of a well-known chain store having been built about two years earlier. A young teen customer comes into the store. The only other people here are the owner, and a customer who has been a regular for quite some time.)

Me: “Hello! How may I help you today?”

(The teen customer is obviously quite shy, perhaps shopping alone for the first time.)

Teen Customer: “Uh… I was looking for a specific model? It’s a Squier, if I remember…”

(Before I can ask the teen customer which model he wants, the regular scoffs.)

Regular Customer: “Really, kid? You broke or something? Can you not afford a real instrument? How sad that these kids can only get the cheap stuff.”

(The teen customer obviously takes this to heart. He frowns and turns to leave the store. Before he leaves, the owner of the shop places his hand on his shoulder. He then glares at the regular.)

Owner: “Wow, really, [Regular Customer]? That’s how you’re going to treat one of my customers? Listen, I know you’ve been coming here for over 20 years now, but the day I let you speak to anyone who steps into this store the way you just did, is the day hell freezes over! So what if he wants one of the cheaper models? We’ve all got to start somewhere; let the kid choose what he wants! Being a regular does not make you king of my store!”

Regular Customer: “What are you going to do about it, kick me out? Like you’d ever do that!”

(Without even a moment of hesitation, my boss walks over to the regular and escorts him out. The teen customer looks over at me, his jaw drops.)

Teen Customer: “Did that really just happen?”

Me: “I have no idea, little dude.”

(About a minute later, the owner strolls back in casually, and smiles at the teen customer.)

Owner: “Now, what can I get for ya’, kiddo?”

(The teen customer’s face lights up as he excitedly informs us of the exact model he wants. He tells us that he has saved up all the money that he’s gotten for doing chores around the house for over a year, just to buy the guitar. My boss throws in some strings and picks for the kid too! I love this job, and my boss!)