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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    No Shame, Period

    | Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Rude & Risque

    (I am working in the produce section where we sell very thick and very red cranberry juice. As I am placing some on the shelves, I drop one, which spills on the ground. To prevent it from leaking all over the place, I quickly carry it to the customer bathroom close by to empty the rest in the toilet, leaving a long trail of red liquid.)

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Someone’s had their period in the bathroom!”

    Me: “Oh, no, ma’am. I just dropped cranberry juice on the floor.”

    Customer: “Well, then, can I get a discount for the nausea?”

    A Gay A Day Keeps The Terror Away

    | Illinois, USA | Bizarre, Top

    (I’m a bank teller. I have just politely told a customer I could not cash his friend’s check without his friend present.)

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! Why would I lie? This is a good check.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I can only give the money to the person whose name is on the check. It’s nothing personal. It’s just a bank regulation to protect against fraud.”

    Customer: “Oh, I get it. All this 9/11 crap, huh?”

    Me: “Ha, yeah.”

    Customer: “You know, people say that those terrorists want to kill Americans because we have gay people here, but that’s not true.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah?”

    Customer: “Yeah, we should be blaming heterosexual people. They’re the ones giving birth to those d*** terrorists!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Well, have a good day. Try to become a lesbian…for America’s sake!”

    All Fingers And Thumbs (Well, Mostly Thumbs)

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (While working at a large chain supermarket, a regular named Joe comes in acting strangely.)

    Me: “Hey Joe, you’re not looking well, mate. Something up?”

    Joe: “Yeah, I’m not too good. I had an accident at home and I need to go to the hospital. Just got the wife to stop here first for a few things.

    Me: “Oh, sorry, man. Hope everything’s okay.”

    Joe: “Im sure I’ll be fine. Can I have a bottle of [vodka], please?”

    Me: “Sure thing. £7.99, please.”

    (Joe then reaches for his wallet. Upon pulling it out, he also drops a freshly severed thumb onto my till, covering everything in blood. I then notice his hand is taped inside a sandwich bag, which, by now, is full of blood.)

    Me: “Holy s***!

    Joe: “Yeah, that’ll teach the b**** for making me cook dinner!”

    More Than Just Your Car Needs Cleaning

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

    Me: “Hi, how are you today? Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “Here you go. Do you all do any detailing here?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t. I can recommend a place.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I just really need to get my car sodomized.”

    Me: “Sorry, what?”

    Manager: *walks in*

    Customer, to my manager: “Do you know a good sodomizer? It’s been ages since I had it done.”

    Manager: *walks out*

    79% Water, 21% Fat-Headed

    | Germany | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid

    Customer: “Do you stock world maps here?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I show the woman some maps of varying sizes.)

    Customer: “Those maps depict so much water. Don’t you have any without so much water in them?”


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