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    An Eye For An Eye Makes For Great Box Office Numbers

    | Westmont, NJ, USA |

    (A customer comes to the counter with the video box for “Gandhi”.)

    Customer: “Have you seen this?”

    Me: “Yes. It’s a good movie.”

    Customer: “What’s it about?”

    Me: “It’s about the peace activist Mahatma Gandhi.”

    Customer: *excited* “So there’s lots of shooting and stuff? *gestures like he’s firing a machine gun*

    Me: “No, not really.”

    Customer:*disappointed* “Oh, well…I’ll get it anyway.”

    We Try Not To Die For A Pie

    | Woodbridge, VA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’ve just finished taking a customer’s delivery order.)

    Customer: “So, if it’s not here in 30 minutes it’s free, right?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we strive to get it to you within 30 to 45 minutes, but there’s no free pizza if it’s there after 30 minutes. That used to be policy, but we stopped doing that years ago.”

    Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Why?”

    Me: “Because drivers were having to pay for late pizzas out of their paychecks. Consequently, they were driving dangerously fast, causing accidents. People were getting badly hurt, so we ended that policy.”

    Customer: “I don’t see how that’s my problem!”

    3D Or Not, Time Is Still Linear

    | California, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work in a box office at a movie theater.)

    Customer: “Is there a non-3D showing of Green Hornet at 6:45?”

    Me: “No, it’s at 8:00.”

    Customer: “When’s the next non-3D one?”

    Me: “8:00.”

    Customer: “There’s not one at 6:45?”

    Me: “No, it’s at 8:00.”

    Customer: “Oh…I looked up the 3D show instead of the regular one. So, wait, when’s the next non-3D showing of Green Hornet?”

    Me: “8:00…”

    Will Someone Please Think Of The Caviar

    | Ohio, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (A customer is calling in regarding a 5-day hold we have on his deposit of a personal check for $150,000. Note that in the 3 months he has been a customer, his account has been negative 60 times and has an average daily balance of $75.00—hence the hold.)

    Customer: “You need to give me all my money now! My family is starving. We have no money to pay for food! I am going to the local news and telling them about how you big banks are forcing us to starve to death!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we did give you $1000 of that deposit immediately. Due to the large amount of the check, you will have to wait for the hold to be lifted.”

    Customer: “But my children are starving! How can you be so cruel and starve children?!”

    Me: “Sir, we are your bank. I can see everything you have spent with your debit card, and I see you went to [upscale restaurant] and spent $250 last night on dinner.”

    Customer: “Well…the lobster was under-prepared. Do you really expect my children to be forced to eat like that?! This isn’t a third world country! What is wrong with you?? They are starving!”

    I Forgot To Remember To Forget

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (A customer hears an Elvis song playing and starts the following conversation with me.)

    Customer: “Oh, I love Elvis. He’s the best! Do you know who Elvis is?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I do.”

    Customer: “Oh, I can’t believe you don’t know who Elvis is!”

    Me: “Uh…I said I do.”

    Customer: “Oh, you kids nowadays…don’t know any good music!”

    Me: *giving up* “Yeah, I guess not.”

    (Two days later, she comes in with a huge Elvis poster and asks for me at the register.)

    Customer: “Hey, where’s that foreign girl who doesn’t know who Elvis is?”

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