Makes You Want To Shrimp Into Your Seat

| MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

(I am out for lunch with a friend, and we have just finished ordering. Our waitress has been nothing but cheerful and friendly.)

Me: “Oh, I noticed a lot of your lunch specials have shrimp in them. Could you please make sure my food doesn’t come into contact with any shellfish?”

Waitress: “Oh, definitely!” *makes note* “So, are you just allergic to shrimp, or all shellfish?”

Me: “All shellfish.”

Waitress: “That sucks. I’m allergic to the iodine in shrimp, but I can eat crab legs and stuff. Anyway, I’ll get this right in for you!”

(As she walks away, I notice my friend is silently fuming.)

Me: “What’s wrong?”

My Friend: “What business is it of hers what you’re allergic to? She had no right to ask that!”

Me: “She was just making conversation; no big deal.”

My Friend: “No! She had no right! I’m going to talk to a manager about her behavior!”

Me: “Dude, just chill; she was just being friendly.”

(Ignoring me, my friend goes up to bar and demands to speak to a manager. The bartender promises to have one come to our table. My friend returns to the table. A couple of minutes later the manager appears.)

Manager: “I hear you wanted to speak to me. Is there anything I can help you with?”

My Friend: “Yes! Our stupid b**** waitress is rude and unprofessional! My friend here is allergic to shellfish, and when she asked that her food not touch any shellfish, your employee refused until she knew exactly what my friend was allergic to! She demanded to know! She has no right!”

(At this point I want to hide in my seat, but the manager turns to me.)

Manager: “Is this true? I sincerely apologize; I have never known her to do something like that!”

Me: “That’s because it didn’t happen. She was making conversation, and simply asked a question, after making the note about my allergy. She is a wonderful waitress; my friend here is blowing it all of proportion.”

My Friend: “No, don’t listen to her! That waitress is horrible and deserves to be fired! I demand that our bill be free!”

(The manager is looking a bit confused. Our waitress is standing nearby, looking like she’s going to cry. I’ve had enough, and turn to my friend.)

Me: “This has gone too far. I don’t know what you’re flipping out about, and if this is just some ploy to get free food, I want nothing to do with it. I’m not lying to get that poor girl in trouble, just because you’re cheap!”

(I turn to the manager.)

Me: “May I please be seated elsewhere?”

(The manager obliges and seats me across the restaurant, though he lets me keep the same waitress. My friend—who I no longer speak to—keeps making such a racket that he is removed. I have a delicious, shellfish-free lunch, and the manager even gives me a free dessert!)

Looking For A Toast To The East Coast

| WI, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Geography

(I work the night shift. We regularly get the bar crowd in trying to buy beer after the bars close. Due to a city ordinance, we can’t sell it after midnight.)

Drunk Customer: “Where is all your beer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; we can’t sell beer after midnight.”

Drunk Customer: “Well, where can I get beer?”

Me: *jokingly* “I think the bars are still open in New York City!”

Drunk Customer: “Cool, how do I get there?”

Me: “It’s over one thousand miles away.”

Drunk Customer: “No, which direction is it from here?”

Coworker: “That way.” *points east*

Drunk Customer: “Cool, well thanks.”

(He stumbles out towards his car. I turn to my coworker.)

Me: “You’d better call the police.”

Coworker: “Already on it.”

Clever Vs. Clever

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Those Taste Bad

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An Upgrade Is In Her Suite Dreams

| MI, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals

(Our hotel rules state that while pets are not allowed, we make exceptions for service animals. A blind guest checks in with his Seeing Eye dog. I ask my coworker to take care of him, as I have a slight pet allergy. Not more than an hour later, another guest comes rushing towards me at the front desk, gasping and wheezing terribly.)

Guest: “There…” *gasps* “…is …a f****** dog in the hotel!”

Me: “Yes, it belongs to a man who’s legally blind.”

Guest: *coughs* “You said on your website that you don’t allow pets! I demand to be moved! I have severe allergies!” *gasps for breath* “That d*** mutt could kill me!”

(I’m stumped by this, as the guest in front of me is in a room on the second floor, while we checked the man with the service dog in on a room on the opposite end of the third floor. Nevertheless, she looks to be in a bad state, so I do my best to help.)

Me: “Well we can certainly do that. I have another single bedroom on the fourth floor, far away from where there’ll be any—”

Guest: “No!” *coughs* “I want a suite! I deserve a free room at least for having my life endangered like this!”

(She grabs the desk and dramatically clutches her throat.)

Guest: “Merciful Jesus…” *gasp* “…can’t f****** breathe!”

Me: “Ma’am, why don’t you sit down while I call 911. Where in your room do you have your medication, so we can at least give you something to help while we wait?”

Guest: “Medication? I don’t have any medication.”

Me: “Your allergies are so severe that you’re suffering an attack, despite not even being on the same floor as the person with the dog. Yet you don’t have anything to help treat your condition?”

(The guest noticeably stops with all the coughing and gasping, and looks at me.)

Me: “I myself suffer from pet allergies, albeit minor ones. Even I had to go in the back and take something when that man came to check in with his dog.”

Guest: “So… you’re not going to give me a free suite?”

Me: “The only ones currently available are on the third floor. If anything, you’d be exposing yourself to even greater danger by being in closer proximity to the dog.”

Guest: “God f****** d*** it!”

(The guest storms out, apparently now feeling much better.)

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