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    Maybe If You Watch It At 88 MPH

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Technology

    (I’m on the phone with an irate customer who feels like she has been cheated by my company after purchasing a PVR (aka a DVR, or digital video recorder). Apparently, she misunderstood the previous rep who sold it to her. We have been arguing for quite some time.)

    Customer: “I can’t get my money back? Why not? I was told that this PVR unit would let me watch shows that normally come on at 9pm whenever I wanted.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we can’t refund the item as it is past 30 days since you purchased it. Furthermore, there is no technology available that functions as you describe.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! What’s the point of buying this PVR if I can’t watch shows earlier?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the unit is called a PVR. It’s a personal video recorder, and it allows you to record programs to watch at a later time. It is not a time machine.”

    Customer: *click*

    Don’t Kick A (Half) Man When He’s Down

    | Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada | Family & Kids

    (A woman and her young daughter are browsing books.)

    Daugher: “Mom, what’s a ‘has been’?”

    Mother: “Charlie Sheen is a has been.”

    When Push Comes To Shove

    | Christiana, DE, USA | Extra Stupid, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work as a security guard at a major retailer in the mall. One of my duties is to pre-lock our store at the end of the night. We leave the middle door unlocked for customers to exit while locking the side doors. While finishing my lock up, a customer runs up and tries to exit the store.)

    Customer: “You’re not locking me in here! You’re not even closed yet!”

    Me: “Sir, we only pre-lock. If you just—”

    Customer: “No, you are a worthless, fake mall cop. Did you even graduate high school? Now, let me out!” *keeps pulling on the door*

    Me: “Sir, you just need to—”

    Customer: “I said, open the door! I want your manager!”

    Me: “No problem, sir.” *calls store manager*

    Manager: *comes up on the scene* “What seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “He won’t let me out of the building. I am a paying customer and I demand to be let out.”

    Manager: *turns to me* “What is the problem?”

    Me: “He was trying to pull open a push door.”

    Customer: *pushes open the door* “Oh, I erm, uh…” *leaves sheepishly*

    S.H.I.E.L.D. Me From This Stupidity

    | San Diego, CA | History

    (A customer walking out of the theater for “Captain America” with her two kids starts talking to me. She’s about 45 years old.)

    Customer: “My goodness, the Nazis were awful people!”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “I’m just glad that terrible Red Skull got what was coming to him.”

    Me: “Yeah, it was a pretty sweet ending.”

    Customer: “It’s funny. I don’t remember learning about him or Captain America in the history books.”

    Me: *thinking she’s joking* “Ha ha, yeah. Weird, right?”

    Customer’s son, to me: “No, dude. She’s not kidding.”

    Customer: “Kidding about what?”

    (Embarrassed, her two kids try to walk briskly away from her.)

    Customer: *chasing after her kids* “Whaaat?! What is it?!”

    In Creepiness And In Health

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (Note: This customer is a little odd and makes the entire staff nervous when he comes in.)

    Me: “Okay, here’s your receipt. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Customer: “You could marry me…”

    Me: *awkwardly laughs*

    Coworker: “Well, is there anything else you need from me today?”

    Customer, to my coworker: “You could pay for our honeymoon.”

    (Suddenly, the customer turns to me.)

    Customer, to me: “Okay, I’m just kidding. But I wasn’t kidding about you.”

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