Introducing Weekend Roundups: each week, we’ll be featuring some of our favorite stories from the Not Always Right archives.
Tech Support Classics! This week, we share five stories that reveal the trials, tribulations, and terrors that technical support employees endure daily.
- DE TING, DE TING!!!:
Problem: Video is blue and blue on “the thing.” You know…DE TING!!!
- Accountants And Their Blue Tape:
That’s right, kids! You too can click “Next” to discover the not-so-savory nether regions of your hard drive!
- Quantity Does Not Equal Quality:
When in doubt, just keep inserting.
- Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google:
I CAN HAZ LORD LOLCATS NAO!
- His Repair Method Doesn’t Hold Water:
For this customer, DIY stands for “Drown It Yourself.”
(Our park has a dinosaur-themed section. I am helping a family with directions in a nearby area.)
Customer: “What is there to do in [dino-area]?”
Me: “Well, there are carnival games, a playground for the kids, and there’s the dinosaur ride.”
Customer: “What’s that?”
Me: “It’s a bumpy jeep ride through the dark with dinosaurs attacking you—”
Customer: *in horror* “Real dinosaurs?”
Customer’s sister: “Think about what you just said, girl. Dinosaurs are extinct!”
(The original customer is looking at me for confirmation, still horrified.)
Me: “No, we don’t have any real dinosaurs.” *joking* “We tried to get some but it didn’t work out. The ones in the ride are robotic.”
Customer: “But do they, like, climb into the cars and attack you?”
(The sister and the rest of the family are doubled over laughing.)
Me: “No! You’re perfectly safe in the car.”
Customer: “I don’t think I want to try that ride!”
(A guy sits down at the bar and asks for a virgin bloody mary.)
Me: “One virgin mary, right away.”
(I turn around to make the drink.)
Customer: “But no fruit.”
(I turn back around to confirm the order.)
Me: “One virgin bloody mary, no fruit.”
(I turn around again to go and make the drink.)
Customer: “And not spicy.”
Me: “So, you would like a glass of tomato juice?”
Customer: “Oh, yes. A glass of tomato juice.”
(As the only opening manager of a large department store, I am in a rush when I have two no shows and one late arrival. While I’m in the office trying to call some workers in, I notice a customer waiting in line at the returns counter. I hang up the phone and run over to where she’s standing.)
Me: “Sorry, ma’am, it’s been a hectic morning.”
Customer: “You’d better be. I’ve been waiting here for over half an hour!”
Me: *puzzled* “I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s possible.”
Customer: “Yes, it is. I’ve been waiting here!”
Me: “It’s only 8:07 am. We opened at 8:00 am.”
Customer: “Over ten minutes, then!”
(I am working at the cutting table at a fabric store when a woman charges up to the table, bypassing others waiting in line.)
Customer: “You need to cut this fabric for me right now!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I am helping other customers.”
Customer: “How dare you talk back to me! You are here to serve me. You work for me! You are my servant and you need to listen to what I say!”
Me: “With all due respect, ma’am, I work for [craft store], not you. Now, please wait in line and I will help you when your turn comes.”
(The woman proceeds to throw her fabric on my head and knock down three display bolts. My manager calls the police and she is escorted out of the store, still ranting.)
Customer: *while being escorted out by the police* “You’re all my servants!”