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    Bananas Explodé

    | Brussels, Belgium | Food & Drink

    (I’m preparing bananas flambé in front of several customers. Suddenly, one of them speaks up excitedly.)

    Customer: “Wow, that looks so cool! Are you using gasoline?”

    Righteous Insinuation

    | Broomfield, CO, USA |

    (A lady is looking at cross jewelry while the manager is helping her. Note that the manager is female and is a bit heavy set.)

    Customer: “Do you have a coworker that can help me?”

    Manager: “I’m afraid not. Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to be helped by someone that’s pregnant but hasn’t gotten married.”

    Manager: “Um…well…I’m a virgin.”

    Customer: *goes wide-eyed and quickly leaves*

    Buy One Euphemism, Get The Second One Free

    | Vermont, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m a rather busty female and I work in a grocery store. An elderly man walks up to my register with his cart.)

    Customer: “Well, I see you got new jugs!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “New jugs. I quite like ‘em. Better grip. Oh, yeah, much better grip.”

    Me: *stares wide-eyed*

    Customer: *places two bottles of prune juice on the counter*

    Me: *relieved* “Oh, yes. They redid the bottles on those. New jugs.”

    Customer: “Mmmm. Prune juice. I quite like it. Keeps me regular.”

    Option Overload

    | Ontario, Canada | Top

    (We’ve been experiencing an increase in calls about things customers can do on their own on our website. This results in longer wait times for customers with issues that can only be resolved by speaking with someone at the call center. Because of this, we’ve been told to promote self-serve options on our website at the beginning of each call.)

    Me: “Okay, and while we’re waiting for your account to load up, I’d just like to take this time to let you know about the self serve options on our website. You can review your invoice, make a payment, and even cancel or activate features or change your phone number.”

    Customer: “Listen, lady, I don’t want a lecture on what I can do myself. I want you to do as I tell you to. That’s what customer service is. If I wanted to do it myself, I would.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to imply that you had to do those things online. Lots of customers just aren’t aware of the options available online, so they end up waiting on hold for a representative when they don’t need to.”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

    Me: “I didn’t mean to. I was just explaining why I had mentioned our website.”

    Customer: “Stop talking about our website!”

    Me: “I-I’m sorry, sir. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Well, apparently you can’t! You want me to do all the work myself!”

    Me: “No, that’s not what I want at all. I was just letting you know—”

    Customer: “I want you to apologize.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “I want you to say you’re sorry for telling me about the website.”

    Me: “Believe me, sir, I am sorry I ever mentioned it.”

    A Hold Has Been Placed On Your Intelligence

    | Worcester, MA, USA | Money

    (I am the manager at a gas station. I am smoking a cigarette outside soon after Christmas when a customer walks up to me.)

    Customer: “Are you the manager?”

    Me: “Um, yes, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I came here the other night and your cashier said my gift card came back declined but I have the printout saying he charged me!”

    (I look at the printout, and it clearly says “pending”.

    Me: “Well, sir, if you look at the statement, it says pending. This means the money you tried to run your card for has been held and will take a few days to clear.”

    Customer: “Why did you charge me $25? She said it had been declined! When am I going to get my money back?!”

    Me: “You weren’t charged, sir. The money is on hold. It will take a few more days to clear out.”

    Customer: “I want my money back! You will give me my money!”

    Me: “I’m not giving you your money back because I never took it in the first place. Have you ever tried running a debit card at the pump?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “And you know how the bank puts a hold on your account for a certain amount of money?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, it’s exactly like that, except instead of the bank, it’s the gift card company.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not! It says here that I was charged at this location!”

    Me: “Sir, if you give it a few days you will get your money back after they release the hold. Trust me, I’ve seen this happen a lot before.”

    Customer: “Fine. But if I don’t get my money back, I’m coming back here!”

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