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    How Dare You Care

    | Carlsbad, CA, USA |

    (A customer is browsing around in the store.)

    Me: “Hi, are you finding everything all right?”

    Customer: “Am I finding everything all right?! What kind of a stupid question is that?”

    Me: *speechless* “Um–”

    Customer: “You know, I’ve always hated that question! I wish I could just find the son of a b**** who started that asking that question!”

    Me: *mouth open, about to say something*

    Customer: “What you’re supposed to ask is, ‘Hello sir, is there anything I could help you find?’”

    Me: *about to do as he says*

    Customer: “‘Am I finding everything all right?!’ That’s like asking me ‘How’s my life?’ How’s your life? Found everything you’re looking for? Are you happy with your life?”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Of course not!”

    (There’s an awkward silence as I try to figure out what to say to him.)

    Customer: “Spread the word!” *exits the store*

    Me: forced smile* “Thank you, enjoy the rest of your day!”

    Totally Trashed

    | Lansing, MI, USA |

    (This takes place in a food court during my college’s homecoming game. While I am sweeping the floor, a drunk girl is about to put her trash in a machine I use to clean the floor.)

    Me: “Woah, wait! What are you doing?”

    Drunk girl: “Isn’t this a trash can?”

    Me: “No, this is a floor cleaner. The trash cans are over there.” *point behind her*

    Drunk girl: “It looks just like a trash can!”

    Me: *stares at wide, 4-wheeled, car-shaped floor cleaner* “Uh–”

    Drunk girl: “What does this thing do?”

    Me: “It cleans floors.”

    Drunk girl: “Well, it looks just like a trash can!”

    Me: “I’m sure it does.” *start to walk away*

    Drunk girl: “IT DOES!”

    The Bank Appreciates Your Donation, Part 2

    | Shoreview, MN, USA | Money

    (I work in the personnel assistance phone queue. Basically, it means I take escalated calls from angry customers.)

    Customer: “My deposit is missing.”

    Me: “Okay, was it a branch deposit or an ATM deposit?”

    Customer: “I went through the drive-through at your bank branch and made my deposit. It’s not in my flipping account yet and I need it now!”

    Me: “Okay, I’d be happy to take a look at it. What’s your account number?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t have an account with your bank…”

    Related:
    The Bank Appreciates Your Donation

    Of Dirty Mouths And Dirtier Assumptions

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout

    (I am serving a mother and her teenage daughter. There is a limited edition version of a popular type of gum. The daughter picks up a packet.)

    Customer: *looking outraged* “I’m not buying you condoms!” *slaps the gum out of her hands*

    Customer’s daughter: *embarrassed* “They’re not condoms!”

    Customer: “Or…whatever they are!”

    Customer’s daughter: “It’s gum!”

    Customer: *embarrassed*

    Customer’s daughter: *even more embarrassed and turning bright red*

    Both of them: *hurriedly pay and leave, without the gum*

    Stop And Stair, Part 4

    | New York, USA | Extra Stupid

    (A customer comes up to me. They ask for directions, which I begin to provide.)

    Me: “Take the elevators at the south end. There should be signs along the way. You’ll pass [store name] and [store name].”

    Customer: “Take what?”

    Me: “Elevator…they’re also known as lifts.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “Um, how do you normally get to higher floors?”

    Customer: “I walk up the stairs or stand on moving stairs.”

    Me: “Do you ever go inside a box and press numbers?”

    Customer: “What is that?” *looks bewildered*

    Me: “Maybe I should take you to the elevators.”

    Customer: “Okay?”

    (I take her to the elevators. They are glass.)

    Customer: “So, I get inside and press the floor number?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (At this moment, another elevator goes down at a normal speed with people inside.)

    Customer: *frightened* “No! This is a drop tower! I want the stairs.”

    Me: “Um, it’s not fast. It’s safe.”

    Customer: “No! Stairs please!”

    Related:
    Stop And Stair, Part 3
    Stop And Stair, Part 2
    Stop And Stair


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