Had The Key All Along

| PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Transportation

(I work as a receptionist at my local dealership answering the phones.)

Caller: “I need to have my car towed to your dealership. Do you have a service for that, or one that you can recommend?”

Me: “We do, but it’s expensive. Can you tell me more about the problem so we can try and help you before resorting to that?”

Caller: “Oh, sure! Well, I think my key remote is dead, so I can’t unlock my car. Because I can’t unlock it, I can’t get anywhere! This is my only car, and I rely on it. I need to get it unlocked as soon as possible.”

Me: “Ma’am, have you tried putting the key into the keyhole on the door?”

Caller: “What? Cars still have that? I don’t think mine does, but I’ll go check.”

(About a minute passes…)

Caller: “Oh, my God! You’re my hero! It totally worked! Thank you so much!”

Common Sense Has Checked Out

| MI, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

(I finish a customer’s order, and they ask for a pen so they can write a check.)

Me: “Oh, sure. But you don’t need to fill it out.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(The customer continues to write the check.)

Me: “You can just fill out the information you need, but you don’t need to fill out the check. You can leave it blank if you’d like to.”

Customer: “What’s the date today?”

Me: “It’s the 30th, but you don’t need to write it down, unless you need to.”

(The customer completely fills out the check. I run the check, and when the transaction’s complete, I give the customer her receipt and check back.)

Me: “There you are. Have a great night!”

Customer: *looking at the check in her hand* “Oh, you didn’t need this?”

Me: “Nope, it’s run electronically.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you say anything!?”

Refund Isn’t In The (Memory) Cards

| FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Top

(A customer comes in trying to return a camera with no receipt. After I tell her I will not be doing the refund, she demands a manager.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Your store ruined my daughter’s graduation! This camera that your employees sold me wouldn’t work! I couldn’t take any pictures!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but without a receipt we can’t refund this.”

Customer: “You are going to refund this! And the memory card too!”

Me: “Okay, tell you what: why don’t I just try to fix your camera for you? Then we’ll go from there.”

(The customer scoffs and shoves her camera at me.)

Customer: “Yeah, sure, go ahead and try. I’m telling you, you sold me a defective camera.”

(I turn the camera on. It works fine. I try to take a picture; it says it doesn’t have enough memory. I open the battery compartment to inspect the card and immediately see the problem.)

Me: “This isn’t a memory card.”

Customer: “Excuse me?! Your employees picked this card and sold it to me!”

Me: “This is an adapter, which is fine. The memory card needs to be inside of the adapter as well. Do you have something that looks like it would fit in this?”

Customer: “Oh, that little thing? I threw that away.”

(She grabs her camera and slinks away.)

They Are Tea Total, Part 2

| CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

Customer: “I’d like an iced coffee with milk, with no coffee in it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Did you want a decaffeinated iced coffee?”

Customer: “No, I just hate the taste of coffee. I want an iced coffee with milk, but hold the coffee.”

Me: “So, would you like milk and ice?”

Customer: “No, I want it without coffee. I have it all the time. It’s brown, and kind of sweet.”

Me: “Tea?”

Customer: “Yes! How did you not understand that?”

Related:
He Is Tea Total

Been To Hell(‘s Angels) And Back

| WA, USA | Awesome Customers, History, Top

(Our theatre has a lecture series where authors give presentations. One presenter is a Holocaust survivor. I am very surprised to see a large and stereotypical ‘biker’ come in. He has a leather vest, sleeveless shirt, tattoos, and a beard. As the holocaust survivor is presenting, two teenage boys are being very rowdy and whispering to each other.)

Boy #1: “God! When the f*** is this going to be over?”

Boy #2: “I don’t know. Can we just go now?”

(They stand up, and attempt to leave. The biker stands up, removes his sunglasses, and addresses the teens.)

Biker: “Listen here you little s***. This sweet little old lady has gone through more s*** then you ever will in your life. I advise you to sit your little punk-a** down, and pay her the respect she deserves.”

(The boys sit down, intimidated. The biker receives a round of applause and a hug from the lecturer. I refund his ticket, and offer him free entrance to all our lectures. He’s been to each and every one since.)

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