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    Zombies Need Friends Too

    | Natick, MA, USA | At The Checkout

    (I’m ringing up a mother and her daughter, about 8 years old, at the register. My computer is messing up, so sometimes when I scan an item, it comes up as a different item with the wrong price.)

    Me: “I’m sorry about this. My computer seems to be acting up.”

    Girl: “Maybe it’s broken!”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s probably true.”

    Girl: *excitedly* “Or…maybe zombies got it!”

    Me: *plays along* “Oh yeah, that’s a good possibility too!”

    Girl: “Yeah, zombies are people that used to be dead, and then they came back to life!”

    Me: “Wow, that sounds pretty creepy!”

    (The girl chatters on about zombies and other stuff while I finish cashing her mother out for their purchases.)

    Me: *hands them their bags* “Alright, you have a good day, and look out for zombies!”

    Girl: “Oh, don’t worry! That only happens in nightmares. Just make sure you dream about good zombies!”

    Me: “Got it, I’ll make sure I do!”

    Related:
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    Zombies Need Retail Contractors Too
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    Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

    Smut And Sin, Just Don’t Show Skin

    | British Columbia, Canada | Religion, Rude & Risque, Top

    (We sell a variety of different magazines. The very back row is where the smut magazines are kept. Note that I’m a 16-year-old girl and very uninterested in that sort of thing.)

    Customer: “Do you know if you only sell Playboy magazines, or do you sell Playgirl magazines as well?”

    Me: “I have no idea, ma’am. I don’t, uh, pay much attention to the back row.”

    Customer: “Why? Do scantily clad girls offend you and your religion?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I’m actually not really religious. I’m just not into that sort of thing.”

    Customer: “What do you mean you’re not religious? Don’t you know that Jesus died on the cross for your sins?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t want to get into a debate about religion. I just want to help you find what you’re looking for–”

    Customer: “You’re a sinner! You sin and sell smut magazines!”

    Me: *confused* “Ma’am, weren’t you looking for Playgirl magazines?”

    (The customer turns beet red, storms out of the store, hops into her car, and drives away.)

    Grow Up Or Melt Down

    | Colorado, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Hello, [bakery], [my name] speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I have a complaint about the cake you guys made for me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. What was the problem?”

    Customer: “It melted.”

    Me: “Sir, did you purchase an ice cream cake?”

    Customer: “Yes, and it melted when I left it on my counter last night.”

    Me: “Sir, ice cream cake is made out of ice cream and will melt if you don’t keep it in the freezer.”

    Customer: “This is not acceptable. I do not baby my cakes!”

    Water You, Stupid, Part 2

    | Feasterville, PA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am a floral associate at a grocery store. It’s a very hot day and I am outside watering the outdoor plants we have on sale.)

    Customer: *storms up to me* “What the f*** do you think you’re doing?!”

    Me: “Excuse me?” *still watering*

    Customer: “Are you f***ing stupid or something?”

    Me: “No, why would you say that?”

    Customer: “You’re watering those things. Only a f***ing idiot would do that!”

    Me: “Ma’am, these plants need water. It’s very hot out today and we can’t let them die.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m right. You are a f***ing idiot. Everyone knows plants make their own water!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (The customer then storms off to her car and nearly hits another car in her rush to leave.)

    Related:
    Water You, Stupid

    You’re Dumb Enough Without Alcohol

    | Christchurch, New Zealand | Extra Stupid

    (We have a daily special where everything in the bar is $4. There are huge signs everywhere advertising this. I have this conversation at least twice a week.)

    Customer: “How much is a vodka lime?”

    Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

    Customer: “Really? So, how much is a tequila shot?”

    Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

    Customer: “Even Jäger?”

    Me: “If it’s alcohol, then it’s $4.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll have a gin.” ”

    *pause*

    Customer: “Is that $4 too?”


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